Massively Effected
by KoraKendalls
Summary: A woman from present day participates in a CIA Black-Ops experiment playing with the idea of reincarnation. When it works, she wakes up to a literal sinking ship and is saved by a blue-eyed stranger that, for some reason, she trusts completely. When she finds out where and when she is, she offers to assist them in their impossible quest. What Agent doesn't want to save the world?
1. Chapter 1

I was dying.

At least I think I was because it felt like my subconscious was melting from my body, slipping away into blissful eternity. All of my pain and anguish was being left behind in the vessel I'd abandoned. That life was over and I was glad for it.

I'd lost everything, why remain?

Absorbing my surroundings, I noticed there was this light; this glowing orb that beckoned from so far away. _Is that it?_ _Is that the path forward?_ This was so new to me, so frightening. I wondered how many times I had gone through this very situation before without memory.

Then I noticed the light getting brighter, larger, as if it was approaching me. Fear of the unknown screamed at me to flee but I was trapped in the very darkness I was so comforted by. I stared at the light, looking through it, seeing the outline of what looked like a doorway…

And then it pulled me through.

XXXXXXXXXX

Burning, searing pain racked my entire being, like millions of watts of electricity were being pumped through my veins. I heard a sound, a voice? Someone was screaming, so loud that my ears hurt and my eyes felt like they were going to explode.

Wait, ears? Eyes? A vessel? No.

 _No no no no no NO!_

"Someone's in here," I heard a voice yell. Lifting my head slightly from the floor I saw a large man in some kind of military style armor stomping toward me. Instinctively I scrambled backward on all fours until my feet bumped into a wall, forcing me to sit upright in an attempt to get further away. Realizing my terror he stopped, putting up his hands and taking a half step back.

"It's alright," he said softly, his voice flowing over me like a warm blanket. I could feel him as well as hear him and there was no malice in his thoughts or actions. Suddenly an explosion rocked the building we were in, forcing a shriek from my mouth. My eyes darted around the room when I felt large arms around my waist, pulling me toward a large chest and lifting me to my feet.

I didn't fight him, just put both feet flat on the floor and tested the strength of my legs. Feeling confident that they wouldn't give out, I nodded and he released me. Another explosion and our eyes met, understanding passing between us. Run or die.

He took my hand and we sped off, moving from room to room looking for someone else, anyone else. Neither of us said a word to the other; we just searched each room, grabbing supplies as we went along. I found it odd that we seemed to be so in sync without speaking but with no time to consider I pushed it to the back of my mind and continued on. Then there was a fire fight and then we ran into more people. Two men although they did not seem to be familiar to him and things became a little clearer.

Project Lazarus was under attack and we were all that was left of its science team. I said nothing, fearing they would leave me behind being an unknown. A few more very confusing situations involving what I thought was gunfire and one of the men being killed by a mysterious woman who was supposedly in charge occurred and then we were boarding a shuttle.

The man who found me, whom I trusted completely for reasons unknown, sat beside me and the surviving man and woman sat across from us. We were all trying to catch our breath, the adrenaline wearing off when the woman turned her gaze to me.

"Dr. Martin, what do you remember?" she asked me, seemingly suspicious. I shook my head and looked down at my lap, not sure what to say since, first of all, I was certain Martin was _not_ my last name. She reached across, grabbing my chin and forcefully yanking it up to make me look her in the eye. "I asked you a _question!_ " she seethed, her eyes narrow and the tension pouring off of her. Before I could act my savior grabbed her hand and shoved it away, putting a protective arm across my lap.

"Dammit Miranda, calm down," he insisted, matching her angry gaze with one of his own. They glared at each other and everyone held their breath, apparently unsure of how the man next to me was going to react. Finally he sighed, shaking his head as he raked his free hand down his face. "Now is not the time, let's get to safety first." When 'Miranda' begrudgingly seemed to accept that he turned to face me, his blue eyes searching mine. I stared up into them, a small gasp leaving my throat that thankfully was inaudible. Those eyes were inescapable.

"Are you injured?"

"N-n-n-no," I stammered, shaking my head as I lowered it to again stare at my hands. He moved his arm from my lap to take one of my hands in his. Giving it a comforting squeeze, he turned to the man across from him who was apparently named Jacob. His hand remained and I was grateful for the contact, turning mine around to wrap my fingers around it, holding on for dear life. I felt his body huff, apparently in amusement, and realized that we were so close our legs were touching. _Shit, if he'd let me I'd sit in his lap. Clinging to a complete stranger… I must be desperate._

The two men carried on a conversation as Miranda stared at me. She was so emotional I could almost hear her thoughts, the betrayal and anger so fresh. Remembering she called me by a name I didn't recognize I looked down at my free hand, noticing it was a bit larger than I remembered my hands to be, the fingers and nails longer. _Wait, what-_ I then pulled a lock of hair forward so that I could see it and stared. _My hair is dark brown, not blonde! What the hell is going on?_

"Hey Doc," the man next to me said as he pulled the hand he'd been holding toward him, placing it on his knee and covering it with his own. I looked up into the blue eyes again, this time remembering _not_ to gasp. "What's your first name? I think you already know mine's John." He was smiling softly at me and it was infectious, making the corners of my mouth twitch upward as I felt the rest of my façade, and my insides, soften.

"Kayla Martin," Miranda not-so-helpfully interjected as she crossed her arms in front of her. "She specializes in cellular biology. She led one of the teams that worked to bring you back." She leaned forward in her seat, her nose coming within inches of mine. "I didn't peg you for a double agent, but I can rectify that easily enough." Jacob put a hand on her arm, easing her back into her chair.

"Relax, Miranda, we will get to the bottom of what happened soon enough," he assured the brunette. I was already picturing ways to set that bitch straight. _I will snap her neck the moment her back is turned._ Realizing that what Jacob was saying also meant I would have to answer questions, my grip on John's knee tightened. He huffed again, prompting me to look up at him. I must have looked like a cornered animal because his smile faded quickly.

"Kayla," he said, "did you know about the attack before it happened?" His words were slow, clear and concise, leaving no room for manipulations. I shook my head and swallowed hard.

"No, I knew nothing about it," I insisted, "I woke up and there you were. I have no idea how I even _got_ there." Realizing what I had said I clamped my mouth shut, diverting my eyes back to my lap. _Jesus! How many years with the CIA and I can't even hold up to a few questions from strangers? They aren't even armed!_ I glanced over at John who was still looking at me. _And this guy, he will be the death of me._ I tried to remove my hand from his grasp but he held it in place. Confused, I arched a brow at him and he just smirked. _So you trust me then, good to know._

"Kayla," Jacob interjected, "what is the last thing you remember before you woke up to see John?" As I looked into his eyes I could feel he was hopeful, not suspicious. He just wanted answers and I felt horrible that I wouldn't be able to give him any. Not the ones he was looking for.

"I…" I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to figure out what to say. I sighed, remembering that integrating the truth was the best way to fool someone. Part of it anyway. "I remember working on the experiment, everything was going well. Then it's fuzzy, I remember someone brushing hair away from my face…" I trailed off, shaking my head then looking at my captive audience. I could tell they were coming to accept that I was _not_ a wealth of information. "I… I'm sorry. All I can tell you is that I have no idea who or what was attacking, much less that they were even coming."

"Alright," Miranda held a hand up to stop me, "I believe you." She rolled her eyes and turned to John. "We should prepare. Before you meet with the Illusive Man we should ask a few questions to evaluate your condition."

Miranda and Jacob bantered back and forth then Jacob relented, asking my 'friend' questions about his past. There was a battle, something he got a medal for, and he seemed very upset by it. Deciding I was no longer under scrutiny, I retreated into my mind to try to figure out what the hell happened.

I remembered the lab, Dr. Charest was the head researcher I was dealing with. The project was black ops, they called it Lazarus just as Miranda said but we weren't trying to bring someone back to life. I looked around then gasped, realizing that the blackness with the little dots was not a wall. It was a window. And those spots were stars.

 _I am in fucking_ _ **space**_?!


	2. Chapter 2

I had been standing in the mess for over an hour, taking everything in, still in shock that I was actually in space even though every time I walked down the hall to one of the rec rooms and looked out the windows there they were, the massive amount of stars staring right back at me. I was in the starboard room for the third time, my jaw on the floor as I wrapped my arms around myself.

"Impressive, isn't it?" That familiar deep voice caressed my ear from the doorway. I smiled and rolled my eyes, wondering why I was still surprised he affected me so with those big blue eyes.

"It is," I responded, turning to face him with the same smile. "As are a great many things on this ship." His smile broadened as I realized how what I had said might have been taken. I laughed, shaking my head. "It's also impressive that your ego and I can fit inside such a small room." He barked out a laugh, walking toward me.

"Ego, huh?" His reply was low, his voice husky. He was so close I could see the gold flecks in his eyes. "I left that behind when I joined the N7 program. No room for that."

He reached up and touched the back of his fingers to my forehead, surprising me so I took a step back. My eyes must have shown fear because John's hands went up in the air in surrender. "I wasn't getting fresh, just checking your temp. Your face is a little flushed, are you feeling alright?" I felt like an idiot and sighed, looking at the floor.

"It's just a slight fever," I insisted, "if it gets out of control I'll go to the med bay, but really, I'm ok." I looked up at him to see that smile gone, his eyes full of concern.

"Would you take offense if I pulled rank and escorted you there?" he asked, taking one of my hands in his. "It would at least make me feel better, please." I wanted to protest but the words were lost on my lips. Instead, I shrugged and squeezed his hand.

"Alright," I said, "as long as you will leave me be afterward." I gave him a wink as he directed me toward the doorway. He chuckled.

"Promise."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Honestly I'm not sure _why_ you have a fever, Miss Martin," Dr. Chakwas said as she stared down at her notes and shook her head.

"Please Doc, call me Kayla," I insisted, "and don't worry. You aren't the only one." I dared to glance at John who was looking all but relieved. Sitting up on the gurney with my feet swinging freely I gave him a gentle nudge with my foot and winked when I had his attention. "It's only 100.1 degrees Fahrenheit, correct?"

"Yes, it's not dangerous but the puzzle is going to kill me," Dr. Chakwas said thoughtfully, tapping her stylus to her head. "I would swear you'd had a transplant of some sort, are you sure you have all your original parts?" She pulled my hair away from my face looking for what I could only assume would be incision scars.

"No, Doc, no transplants." She moved around behind me, combing through my hair slowly, examining my scalp. I giggled. "Whatcha looking for back there?"

"Your implant scar," she said softly, still inspecting a small area thoroughly. "I can't find it, how old were you when you got it?" I laughed.

"What implant?" I asked, looking at John with a 'what the heck is she talking about' look but his eyes were suddenly guarded. I instantly pulled my impassive mask over my face and waited for the response. The Doc stopped her search and came back in front of me to face me.

"Either you are playing with me or you lied on your medical background when you applied to Cerberus," she said, tapping her screen a few times then presenting the pad to me. I read through a few lines then saw 'Biotic with Implant' and the Yes box checked. _Shit._

" _Or_ , and this is _more_ likely," John interjected, "she is not who she says she is." He motioned to some men standing outside in the mess hall who then came into the med bay. "Stay here, keep her here, I'll be back." Somehow I held my mask. _Oh fuck_.

"Sheppard," Chakwas put a hand on his arm to stop him, "you said that Jacob and Miranda both knew Kayla, that her involvement in the attack was the only thing about her they questioned. Why would they not question who she is if it were a possibility?" _Ok,_ I thought, _time to come clean._

 _As clean as possible without disobeying orders anyway._

"Commander," I said, pulling everyone's attention back to me. "Could you please bring Miranda in here and the four of us can discuss this? I think I may have a solution to the puzzle." I stared into his eyes, those beautiful, expressive eyes that used to look at me with compassion and kindness.

Right then they looked like spears.

John turned to one of the guards and gesture toward Miranda's office, the guard nodded and left. The other waited to be dismissed then returned to the mess, still watching the going's on in the med bay.

I looked at Doctor Chakwas who was glaring at me as if her eyes were an x-ray machine.

"I promise, Doc, I will tell you all everything I can when Miranda gets here," I said as I put a hand over my heart, "I'm just not up for repeating myself, actually feeling a little weak right now." I dropped my head into my hands and rubbed my temples, feeling a headache coming on. I heard the door to the med bay open and looked up to see Miranda. John dismissed the guard and turned to face me.

"Apparently _Doctor Martin_ has something she wants to confess," he said, crossing his muscled arms over his chest. The look he was giving me was uncomfortable to say the least; I could see this was the Commander Sheppard I was in the presence of at the moment. I swallowed and took a breath.

"I will tell you all as much as I can," I said, looking around the room. "First I will admit that I am not Doctor Kayla Martin. Not mentally anyway." I stopped, wondering where the hell to go from there without revealing too much when Miranda got in my face.

"I knew you were lying about something," she growled, glaring into my eyes. I held my mask and kept my tone level.

"Brilliant observation," I replied and turned to look at John, "anyway I work for a government agency on Earth that I need to report back to as soon as possible."

I felt a hand crack across my cheek so I instinctively grabbed Miranda by her throat, flipping us around to pin her on the gurney. Her hands came up to grab the one that had her pinned but my other hand was too fast, grabbing her wrists and pinning them above her head then jumping on top of her to straddle her. Hooking my ankles under her knees, she was completely helpless. Nose to nose, she spat in my face.

"Fucking _traitor_ ," she hissed, "if you think I'm going to just let you go to report back to whomever you claim to work for about Cerberus activities you are-"

"I don't give a _fuck_ about Cerberus activities," I growled, looking her dead in the eye. I huffed out a small laugh, shaking my head at her. "This is so much bigger than your little resuscitation project, you have no idea _what_ is looking you in the eye right now…" I stopped myself, clamping my lips between my teeth to prevent any more details spilling forth. Inhaling deeply through my nose, I closed my eyes and slowly released her throat, then her hands as I jumped off the gurney.

I looked around the room and noticed that both Doc's and John's jaws were on the floor. _Well this didn't go as planned, damn you Miranda._

"As I was saying," I continued as I approached John whose eyes were showing an obvious state of shock. Unable to stop myself, I put a hand on his arm and softened my expression. "I need to get back to Earth, is that possible?" I turned to look at Miranda again, who had sat up on the gurney and was currently rubbing her throat. "I will divulge nothing of Cerberus activities or any details that I picked up while there, you have my word." She just glared at me so I closed my eyes and sighed. "Believe me, they will not even ask after I report in. That will be the _last_ thing that will attract their attention."

"What is it about you that they will find so much more interesting than Cerberus?" Doc spoke up, obviously trying to keep the mayhem to a minimum. I gave her a small smile.

"It's like I said, Doc," I replied as I shrugged my shoulders, tapping my head at the temple, "this mind is not Kayla Martin… but the body is hers."


	3. Chapter 3

"This makes _no sense whatsoever_ ," Miranda mumbled as she paced the Communications Room briskly. "How does someone just _pop_ into someone else's body? Was she alive when it happened? Dead? And how is it that the scar from her implant is just _gone_?" She stopped to glare at me once again. I restrained the sigh that threatened to bubble up and shook my head.

"One more time," I replied, keeping that even tone from earlier, "I have no idea, I was a volunteer." I raked my hand through my hair, trying to remember any details that may get Miranda off my back but coming up empty. "Bottom line, I am here, she is not and I need to get back to Earth."

"That's not possible at the moment," John interjected as he typed something into the console in front of him. A holographic image appeared in thin air over it and John used his hand to whip the image around, pointing to what appeared to be a planet... kind of. "We need to set a heading to here, hopefully to pick up a little back up. You're not afraid of aliens, are you?" My gut wrenched. Not only was I in a different time but now I was going to confront aliens? _FUCK, what did I get myself into?_

"Commander," the man named Jacob spoke up, glancing at me, "maybe we leave the rookie behind? This may not be up her alley." I gave him an appreciative smile and he nodded back. John turned to look at me, almost appraisingly.

"Just how long ago were you involved in this project?" he asked, leveling his gaze at me. _Ok, here it goes._

"I can't tell you," I replied. Knowing that wouldn't be good enough, I held a hand up to stop the rebuttal he was opening his mouth to express. "I am under strict orders not to divulge certain details, that being one of them." John rested his hands on the console in front of him, leaning slightly toward me with an annoyed huff.

"Fine, then let's get this out of the way now," he said with a hint of sarcasm, "What _exactly_ are your orders?" I stood at attention, lifted my chin and stared straight ahead.

"I cannot divulge my affiliation, name, or rank.

"I cannot divulge any of my personal details including the date of my birth, nor any people or places I have come into contact with prior to the experiment.

"I cannot divulge the date of the experiment itself nor any details I may be privy to about said experiment.

"I cannot divulge personal details about any of those involved in the experiment.

"I _can_ discuss what has happened since awakening until I report in and have been cleared by a senior officer."

I nodded to confirm I was done and looked back at John. He was standing up straight, looking at me again with those blue eyes, appraising and apparently approving of some part of what I said or maybe how I said it, who knew.

He returned the nod and sighed.

"Alright," he breathed out, "now that's out of the way let's get to the important part. What to do with you until we can get you back to Earth." He looked at Miranda who huffed disapprovingly.

"I say we lock her up, she's an unknown and a liability." Jacob laughed out loud at that.

"Miranda, seriously, chill," he replied, folding his arms across his chest. "I heard what she did in the med bay, if she wanted to she could have snapped your neck right then. Obviously that is not a part of her agenda, if she even has one." He looked at me for a few moments, as if trying to read me. I held back my grin at that, I trained for too long to let something so simple get through but I had to give him something.

"My only agenda, if you could call it that, would be to return to Earth. That's it," I said. Unsure of where to go next, I sighed then threw a hand up. "What do your protocols dictate?" I looked to John as I was not about to take Miranda's word on anything at that point.

"If this were the Alliance you would be detained in a cell somewhere at our next stop then dealt with later," he said simply, "but this _isn't_ the Alliance so I guess it's my call." He rubbed his forehead for a few moments then looked back at me. "Can you tell me what _kind_ of training you have?" He knew I couldn't tell him much but I could see he was trying. Then a thought occurred to me.

"I can't _tell_ you," I said, a sly smile crossing my face, "but I can show you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I can't believe you talked me into this," John almost whimpered from the floor mat. I'd pinned him down, _again_ , with my forearm across his neck, one arm under my knee and the other secured by my free hand. His lower body held in place with mine, we were a tangle of limbs, our faces not even an inch apart. Jacob laughed, slapping his leg as Miranda looked on, shaking her head with a small smile creeping in.

"I must say Shepard," she said, "She took you down pretty easily. I think you've lost your touch." John laughed as I released him, standing up and offering him a hand.

"I blame you since you were the one who was supposed to put me back together," he said with a wink as he took my hand, pulling himself up and walking past her to get to the water bottles. Tossing me one he opened his and downed it as the elevator door opened.

"Well, guess I missed everything," a male voice said from the opened door. I turned to face him and nodded, he smiled. "I love seeing Shepard getting his ass kicked, just makes my day!" He stopped short of entering the room and sent a salute to the Commander. John shook his head.

"Sorry to disappoint, Joker," he replied as he tossed the empty bottle into a receptacle and walked over to the man, shaking his hand. "Are we in orbit around Omega?"

"Yes sir, ready to go," Joker confirmed, turning around and getting back into the elevator. John turned to face me, the gears grinding behind his blue eyes.

"Ok, I don't think you're quite ready for Omega," he conceded, "but I definitely think you will be useful in a fight. I'll have Kelly put together a dossier on the different species we encounter, you up for some reading?" I nodded. "Good, go see her in the CIC when you're cleaned up."

He turned to face Jacob and Miranda. "You two get ready, we're heading out." Both nodded and grabbed weapons, heading for the shuttle.

I picked up on a little something in his tone, almost as if going to Omega was not his idea and he wasn't happy about it. I tucked that little bit of info away for later.

I was beginning to think John and these others were _not exactly_ on the same side…


	4. Chapter 4

_**I wanted to add that I couldn't have gotten through this chapter or the next without the assistance of two amazing writers and one reviewer.**_

 _ **Amyress, your knowledge of the ME world and instincts on character development helped immensely, thank you!**_

 _ **Kira Tamarion, your insight was of great help. As always, thank you!**_

 _ **BJ Hanssen, you challenge me and encourage me, giving me the nudges that are what keep my writing constantly developing. Thank you!**_

The communal shower was decent enough. It was clean and the water was hot, just short-lived. I towel-dried my hair and reached for the uniform provided. Dressing, I let my mind go over every detail of the last few hours to be sure everything was catalogued.

With no way to write anything down I had to rely on my memory. Names, faces, rank, everything had to be put in order before I moved on to the dossiers. I couldn't ask any questions, even though I _really_ wanted to know what fucking _year_ it was, because Miranda would be on me like white on rice so I had to rely on my deduction abilities to come to any conclusions.

I slipped on the boots and sighed, closing my eyes to try to center myself. A few minutes of meditation would help me to keep everything straight and the shower was quiet enough so I decided to give it a try. With everything that I learned in just the last few minutes before John left I knew I needed some serious help, especially to keep my sanity.

Seriously, _aliens?_

I took a few minutes, did some different breathing exercises then went to find this CIC and Kelly. I didn't know how long John would be gone so I figured I may as well do my homework. The more prepared to go out there the better.

Maybe he'd even let me off the ship for a little while.

I wandered around the level I was on, found a maintenance area at the far end of a hallway and even walked in on Miranda at one point in her office/bedroom. She was annoyed (shocking) so I just waved an apology and moved along. I finally found the elevator and saw there was a button that said CIC. Feeling like a complete noob I pushed it and the doors closed.

When they opened again I saw what appeared to be a bridge complete with a bunch of control panels surrounding what appeared to be a holographic map of the galaxy. Trying not to look overwhelmed, I looked around and saw a young woman standing off to the right, appearing to be very interested in the console in front of her.

"Excuse me," I said, walking toward her. She turned and smiled wide at me, her bright green eyes almost dancing. She was an attractive girl, short red hair and creamy skin, though she seemed young to be on a mission like this. "I don't suppose you're Kelly?" She gave me a quick nod and turned to grab a data pad from her console.

"You must be Kayla," she said, handing me the tablet. "Commander Shepard wanted me to put this together for you, details on the different species we deal with regularly in this galaxy." She stood at attention as I perused the first few pages, looking at me expectantly. I smiled at her, tucking the tablet under my arm.

"Thank you so much," I said. She continued to look at me so I waited but she said nothing. "Is there something I can help you with, Miss Chambers?" I asked, giving her my most welcoming smile. She flushed a little and bit her bottom lip.

"I apologize," she began, ringing her hands a bit behind her back, "I'm a naturally curious person so when I only get tid bits of info I tend to want to ask more but Commander Shepard made it clear I wasn't to ask you any questions so I won't." She seemed unsure at first but then apparently made up her mind and nodded stiffly. I couldn't help the amused look that came over my face as I reached out to put a hand on her arm.

"Don't worry," I assured her, "You're not the only one." I gave her arm a little squeeze and dropped it to my side. "Thanks for the info, would you mind if I came to you with any questions I might have?" She seemed pleasantly surprised and started to relax.

"Oh yes, of course, please feel free to stop by and ask anything." She was so perky and those eyes… almost neon green they were so bright. I had a difficult time tearing mine away but did so with a small wave.

"See you later, Kelly," I said as I walked back into the elevator.

"I'll be here if you need anything."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I found the perfect spot in the lower deck, a room at the far end of the hall opposite Zaeed's space, to read through the _novel_ Kelly had handed me. The hum of the engines helping me to focus, I leaned up against the inner wall and looked out the window at the stars.

"I will never get used to that," I whispered as I shook my head and dug into the data pad.

A few hours later I dropped the pad to the floor and sighed, raking my hands through my hair. My gut was in knots so I stood and started pacing the small room, trying to focus on ingesting the information and categorizing it without letting the content overwhelm me. I decided on repeating the different species' names to myself to commit them to memory.

 _Asari, Batarians, Collectors, Drell, Elcor, Geth, Hanar, Humans, Krogan, Protheans, Quarians, Rachni, Reapers, Salarians, Turians, Volus, Vorcha and Yahg._

 _And these things are all over the galaxy. I am pretty much guaranteed to run into at least one every time I leave this ship and those Vorcha travel in packs._

 _Focus!_

I took a breath, shaking out my arms and legs to get the nervous energy out.

 _This is training, act like it!_ Nodding, I took another breath.

 _Ok, vital details: appearance, strength and weakness._

I went over all the info in my head, anything I couldn't recall I would look up on the pad, repeat it then move on. Going through the list again, making sure to emphasize those I'd missed the first time then one more time using visualization and speaking out loud. Once completed, I was confident I'd absorbed everything I would need. I was uncomfortable with the information but I knew it was necessary.

 _Krogan have multiple organs and can regenerate? Lucky bastards._

There was still the tension in my chest, the kind that had gotten me into big trouble before. This tension made me doubt myself and that was never good.

 _No, I will not let that in. I am here, I am focused and I am ready._ I looked down at my hands, watching with dread as they shook like autumn leaves.

 _I'm fucked._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You, my dear, need to take it easy."

Dr. Chakwas wrapped the knuckles on my right hand one more time with the healing tape before moving on to the left as John walked into the med bay. Confusion flashed over his features before he crossed his arms, giving me the Commander look once again. I gave him my best sheepish expression and shrugged.

"I can _explain_?" I said, more of a question as to whether or not he'd listen. He blinked and I took that as an opening. "I, uh, well… I got a little carried away with the punching bag and..." I wriggled my free hand at him like a wave but John remained still, waiting. I sighed. "Ok, so I read the dossiers and…"

The floor became very interesting at that moment. I couldn't believe I lost it over learning about the other life forms in the galaxy. When I was a kid it was all I dreamed about! I looked back up at him. He still had his arms crossed but his eyes were curious.

 _You have no idea how badly I want to tell you._

I sighed and shook my head, looking back down to the floor. "I feel like I don't even know myself anymore." His feet came into view so I looked up and into those eyes.

"If you're referring to fear, that's something we all have experienced," he said, uncrossing his arms and resting his hands on his hips.

He was thoughtful for a moment and I watched the gears grinding behind his eyes. I had to hold back my smile; it delighted me that he put so much thought into what he said to me. His eyes softened, eliciting a flutter in my lower abdomen.

"This is all new to you so you can't beat yourself up over it. It has to be a lot." I huffed out a small laugh and shook my head.

"My CO would disagree," I smiled, "I was picked because of my ability to adapt then I was trained extensively…" I bit down on my lip to stop myself. I smiled, shaking my head. "You have a knack, Commander." John smirked at me, sending an unexpected but pleasant lurch through my stomach.

"A knack, huh?" he asked, his eyes never leaving mine. "For what, may I ask?"

"For getting in my way, Commander," Dr. Chakwas spoke up, cutting the excess tape from my left hand and turning to put the roll away. She looked back at us and shook her head.

"I'll leave you to whatever it is that's going on here." She walked out the med bay doors, still shaking her head. We both smiled and looked back at each other. Electing to change the subject, I remembered their mission.

"How did it go on Omega?" I asked, looking down at my hands, pretending to check the bandage. When he didn't answer right away I looked up at him to see his eyes focused on my hand as well. I gave it a flex and cleared my throat, bringing him out of his daze.

"Omega, yeah, everything went great," he replied. "Recruited the scientist but we will have to go back to get the other guy." He looked at me with that appraising look again then nodded as if coming to a decision. "Have you looked through _all_ of the dossiers?"

"Yes," I nodded, "but I find that being thrown in head first is better for me. Learn by doing." His smile grew, coaxing mine out of hiding.

"Well then, let's get you suited up."


	5. Chapter 5

**Still going, thank you again Amyress, Kira Tamarion and BJ Hanssen!**

Staying behind the others, I kept my mouth shut and eyes forward. The air was stagnant and stale but breathable and the whole place reminded me of a silicone plant near my childhood home. Pipes along the walls and strange smells greeted me as we walked down the hallway that served as the entrance into the station. I was on high alert, every movement and noise accounted for as we continued forward.

The armor was very comfortable and surprisingly light-weight so I moved freely although the steel gray color would have told me otherwise. Its construction had me questioning whether or not it would be adequate protection against hand held weaponry but realized I would find out soon enough. Jacob explained to me on the way to the meeting spot that the person we were looking for was trapped in a district that had been cut off from the rest of the station. Apparently he'd pissed off the wrong people and they were hiring thugs to flush him out. Enter us.

The plan was good, even if it meant we were going to piss off the wrong people as well. It was dangerous and most definitely had the potential to be a suicide mission but I reminded myself I was good with a gun no matter what it used for bullets and I had yet to meet someone I couldn't best at hand to hand combat. I was fast, strong, flexible and had an inhuman amount of stamina; after all I was trained by the best to _be_ the best but there was a hang up.

I wasn't in _my body_.

Another concern was working as a team. I had trained with teams but once I was sent out in the field my handler would give me assignments but I saw them through their progression to completion on my own. I would have to use a large part of my concentration to ensure my team didn't get in my way and I didn't get in theirs.

Shrugging off the doubts, I followed, listened and paid attention to my surroundings. My instincts had always gotten me through before, I was determined that they would again.

That and the fact that I was coiled so tight one thing would send me into full Rambo mode… I felt like my chances of survival were pretty good.

We met the guard and rode in a vehicle that flew through the air like a plane (so _cool,_ it distracted me for a moment when I had to hold back my nerdy squeal) to the boulevard that led to our quarry. The same industrial look flowed through the entire station much to my surprise. People lived there, aliens and humans alike, and it made me wonder just how bad things had gotten for humanity.

Our guide then told us the plan, distract Archangel so the infiltration team could sneak up behind him and take him out. Easy enough for us but the reason we were needed was the earlier attempts were for naught. Archangel was a superb sniper and took out previous distraction teams with ease. _Keep an eye out and stay in cover as much as possible, check._

I wanted to ask John if this Archangel was a friendly, if he knew we were coming and who we were but there were too many mercs around that might overhear. Instead I 'accidentally' bumped into him and when I caught his eye gave him a questioning look. He seemed to understand and sent back a 'maybe?' kind of look followed by 'We got this' and a wink.

 _And the coil tightens…_

As we made our way to the front line I noticed the other guy we had with us, Zaeed, was very much at ease around these alleged thugs. John spoke to a few of the leaders, all cowering in rooms off the boulevard. He was asking questions to get a feel for their mind set then moved on as fast as possible but when we met up with a human woman she knew Zaeed and allowed us access into a room with one of the higher ups. I was so focused on the fact that we were surrounded and could be discovered at any moment that I only heard parts of what was said and just followed along when John left.

Another small room had a large robot with guns for hands that Zaeed explained to me was called a 'mech'. John looked it over and decided to reprogram it to attack friendlies so we felt our chances were improving. We also found the mechanic for the gunship and when he called for the attack to begin everyone filtered out…

Except us.

When the guy returned to work on the gunship John grabbed a wrench of the work station behind the Batarian and moved toward him.

"You're working too hard," he said and jammed the wrench into the back of the mechanic's armor, somehow electrocuting him. The smell of burnt flesh filled my nose as I turned toward the gunship.

"Anything else we can do to tip the scales?" I asked, looking over the large drone-like machine, thinking _how the hell does that thing fly with someone in it?_

"Not that I can think of," John responded, looking toward Zaeed. The apparent merc shook his head and grunted then nodded toward the exit.

"Let's move, don't want to be caught in here," he said so we went to find our new partner.

I watched as the last of the distraction team headed across the bridge. We hung back to allow them to take the brunt but suddenly John stepped into the line of fire, cracking his knuckles.

"Come on," he said, motioning for us to follow, "We'll give these guys a surprise of our own."

As we advanced we took out each line in front of us. Apparently picking up on our intent, Archangel laid down fire to keep the heat off of us. At one point I saw John take a sniper shot in the shoulder, apparently from Archangel, but he brushed it off and kept moving.

The mercs finally figured out we weren't on their team and turned on us but Archangel had a great line of site and helped us clean them out. When we reached the upper platform where he had entrenched himself there was someone trying to break the door open but John took them out as it opened.

We entered cautiously, guns drawn. There was furniture scattered throughout the room, oddly shaped and seemingly of some kind of leather or maybe plastic. It was a sniper's paradise, bay windows all around so as long as that ship stayed grounded and he kept the boulevard clear he was good.

His back was to us as he aimed at someone still down below. I watched the body language of the stranger and scanned my peripheral for any movement, keeping my gun trained on the back of his head. John called out to him but was silenced by a backward wave, the armored man obviously not ready to give up his target. He took the shot then relaxed.

Our possible ally used the rifle to stand then he put it down and removed his helmet. I held in my gasp when he revealed a very insect-like face with what I assumed was blue paint or tattooing along the bridge of his nose and across his cheeks. Sitting casually on the arm of a nearby couch, he appeared cocky and at ease in our presence. I held back my smirk, sensing that this one was familiar with John in some way.

He was way too chill.

"Shepard," he said, propping his feet up and leveling his gaze at John. "I thought you were dead?" My suspicions confirmed, I relaxed my stance but kept my eyes on him just in case. John stepped toward him with a smile.

"Garrus!" he exclaimed, "What are you doing here?" The insect-guy barely moved.

"Just keeping my skills sharp," he replied. "A little target practice." I liked the guy more each minute.

"You ok?" John asked, more as a confirmation than affirmation.

"Been better but it sure is good to see a friendly face." He sighed. "Killing mercs is hard work, especially on my own." John stepped closer and the two started formulating a plan to get everyone out safely.

I let them all talk amongst themselves and checked out the room. There was plenty of furniture for cover but the windows would pose a problem. _If that gunship gets up and running we will be sitting ducks._ I overheard Garrus' plan to hold the fort until we spotted an opening and sighed; I could hear the next wave coming at us.

The new guy stayed upstairs, picking them off as they came into range while we finished off any that got through him and into the foyer. Changing the thermal clips was similar to ammo clips so it was easy to get used to, and luckily I was a careful shot so I didn't have to do it often.

And then they sent out the mech.

I couldn't stop the peal of laughter when they turned that hulking thing on and it turned on their forces. The screams were priceless as we helped their mech clean out the remaining mercs. Apparently we took out one of the leaders, someone named Jareth, and Garrus was practically giddy (from what I could read, for him it was giddy). As he and John chatted I scanned the areas surrounding us below, waiting for the next shoe to drop.

And then there was an explosion.

"What was that?" I asked Garrus, pointing my gun toward the open doorway.

"Dammit!" He spat, "They breeched the lower level. Well, they had to use their brains eventually." I looked at John.

"We need to shut the back door," I said, motioning to the stairs. He nodded.

"Jacob, you and Zaeed give Garrus some backup," he said, looking to the two men who nodded. John turned to me and grinned. "Let's go say hi." I gave him a nod and followed.

We ran for the lower level entrance behind the stairs. As we got to the bottom Garrus shouted instructions over comms for us to close the shutters before the invading mercs got through. A flashing green light outside what I assumed were the shutters he was referring to seemed the best option.

The coast was clear so I made a run for the controls, slamming my hand down on the button. A digital voice confirmed the shutdown was starting but suddenly another door opened and four aliens came at me, one I recognized immediately as a Krogan. The dossiers were complete, don't get me wrong, but the reality… this guy was about 10 feet tall _and_ wide and let out this growl/shout that scared the shit out of me.

The ever-tightening coil snapped.

I started shooting and kept shooting, killing anything and everything while we fought for our lives. Every time we closed a shutter or even tried to another door opened releasing more strange beasts eager and willing to kill us. Facing down humans, no problem, I'd been in my share of gun fights and stand offs with the agency, even went through some military exercises with a group of very gifted Marines, but this…

The dossiers couldn't have prepared me no matter what they said.

The infiltration team was made up of Vorcha, Krogan, Batarian, Turian and these dog-like things that gave me goose bumps. There may have been others, I finally stopped trying to identify them and just kept shooting anything that wasn't John until it stopped moving but there seemed to be no end of them. I overheated the Avenger a few times, nearly burning myself through the gauntlets I wore so I used the gun as a melee weapon instead, bashing in heads and keeping jaws from tearing me in two.

When the third overhead door slammed shut and the last Vorcha was dead on the ground I scanned the area, looking for more. Waiting, listening, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears…

Something touched my shoulder and I turned quickly to face it, gun pointed and finger on the trigger.

"Hey!" John exclaimed, hands in the air. "Relax, it's over." The gun I held was shaking and I felt like I couldn't breathe, my eyes still scanning for threats.

"The Krogan," I demanded, "They can regenerate, are you sure-"

"Kayla," John said softly as he took off his helmet and put his hand on the barrel of my gun, pushing down it slowly until it pointed at the ground. "It's over."

I gripped the gun even tighter, putting my trigger finger on the outside of the grip but unsure as to whether or not I wanted to relinquish it. John dropped his helmet and reached over, cupping my hand on the grip and giving it a gentle squeeze. He smiled softly at me.

"It's ok, I'm here," he spoke softly, calming me as he gently tugged on the gun, finally pulling it from my death-grip. I took a breath in, held it then released, trying to let go of the anxiety unsuccessfully.

"I…" I couldn't speak, didn't know what to say. John reloaded my thermal clip and put the gun down.

"I know," he said, moving toward me. He put his hands on either side of my helmet then unclipped it, setting it down on one of the dividers. My hair spilled out onto my shoulders and in my face. I lifted my hands to brush it away and I froze, realizing they were still shaking. He brushed the hair away and took me into his arms.

"I know," he said again, "it will be ok." My hands rested against his chest and I felt him lean his cheek against my forehead. A wave of relief washed over me and I finally took a long, calm breath, leaning into the embrace.

"You'll be fine, I promise."


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you to my beta, Amyress, for the support and input. Always welcome and greatly appreciated!**

 **And thank you to BJHanssen, my best critic.** **J**

 _Breathe_ , I told myself. In through my nose and out through my mouth, I concentrated on clearing my head and slowing my heart rate. John still held me but when my breathing evened out he gave me another squeeze before letting go.

"Better?" he asked. I nodded. "Good, take another minute and-"

"Get back here Shepard," Garrus' voice came across the comms, "they're coming in through the door!" I raised my eyebrows then narrowed my eyes at John.

"Let's go," I said, turning to look for my helmet. Finding it, I scooped it up off the floor and slipped it back on, checking that the area was still clear. John grabbed his and we took off running.

We got to the foyer and started shooting, taking out a few while they were unaware then fighting our way back upstairs to the others. Of course when we got upstairs there was a giant red Krogan with a huge gun between us and them. More shooting and eventually that went down too.

Scanning the area everything was calm so I rested my Avenger on my hip as Garrus came out from cover and approached John.

"Thanks Shepard," he said, obviously relieved, "they hardly got through to me. And we took out Garm and his Blood Pack! This day just gets better and better." The two men chatted some more as I checked my gun then the bridge, feeling more confident every moment.

"Only the Blue Suns are left," I heard John point out, "I say we take our chances and fight our way out." Garrus agreed, confirming they were nothing they hadn't faced before when suddenly I caught sight of the gunship approaching.

" _Get down!_ " I shouted, jumping to cover and grabbing John on the way. We landed with a thud as I spun around to face the new threat.

"They're offloading troops!" Garrus shouted, "Watch your backs!"

The battle raged on and I took a few hits but the armor held up nicely. Feeling far more confident, I leapt from cover a few times to get better positioning.

Once the last one was taken down Garrus confirmed more troops were on the way so I grabbed a few more thermal clips and reloaded, digging in for the next strike. This time they landed downstairs so it was like shooting fish in a barrel from the many windows while Zaeed and Jacob rushed them.

A few slipped through but John got them as they came down the hall then left to join the others downstairs. A few minutes later he called clear and I moved to check the bridge once again, just in time to see the gunship come across, its weapons pointed right at me.

"Fuck _."_

Being the only ones still upstairs Garrus and I opened fire, moving to stand together to increase our advantage as we backed up to find cover. Some of the bullets found purchase, hitting the weak spots of my armor and piercing the skin. I grunted in pain and fell to the floor, blessedly out of the gun's range for a moment. Looking around I caught sight of Garrus on the ground as well, reaching for me. I grabbed his arm and he tried to pull me to cover.

I heard an explosion and everything went black.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Voices.

Lots of voices, men, women, but none I could recognize. They all sounded so far away I could barely _hear_ them, much less what they were saying. Some got louder, panic maybe, but most were soft, demanding but calmer.

I felt pain. Searing pain, burning then electrifying, almost like before but… _grounded_? I wasn't comforted by the darkness surrounding me.

I wanted _out._

 _Breathe_. I could breathe, felt the air go in and out through my nose. Inhale, exhale, at least I knew I was still alive.

Then the smells, I inhaled again and smelled an antiseptic of some kind and a hint of something, something burnt?

 _Fuck it, just sleep._

And I slowly drifted away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"She should wake up shortly," I heard Dr Chakwas say, " _That_ is why I took the breathing tube out, Shepard."

"I…" John's voice was strange but unmistakably his. "I'm sorry Doc, I'm just…"

"I know," she replied and I opened my eyes to see her turn and look at me. She smiled. "Our patient is awake." John appeared in my blurry field of vision and Dr. Chakwas moved aside as he reached for my hand. I tried to smile but realized I was really tired, even that movement was difficult. I closed my eyes and swallowed but my throat was dry.

"Water," I croaked out, John nodded and picked something up from the nearby med-station. Lifting my head, he helped me to take a few sips then rested it back on the pillow. He put the cup back down and pushed my hair away from my face.

"You and I are going to have a _long_ talk about priorities," he whispered, squeezing my hand. I smiled faintly.

"I'm alive," I whispered. He huffed, shaking his head.

"Almost not," he whispered. He looked at me curiously, opening his mouth to say something else but stopping as the door to the med bay opened.

"Is she awake?" I heard Garrus ask, his two-toned voice unmistakable. John glanced over at him, nodding then giving my hand a squeeze before releasing it.

"I'll be back," he promised as he disappeared from sight, replaced by Garrus. He took my hand into his talon, another reassuring squeeze and what I thought was a smile.

"You ok?" I asked as I noticed some of the exoskeleton on his face was damaged. He caught on, touching it with his other talon and shrugging.

"Eh, I'll live," he replied, attempting to be unaffected. Understanding the inclination, I nodded.

"Glad to hear it," I said, squeezing his talon back. I nodded toward my lower body. "How bad is it?" He glanced at my legs then shrugged.

"I don't know, you humans being all squishy and such," he said with a wink. I narrowed my eyes at him and he laughed. "Doc says you'll be alright, it's amazing what they can do with prosthetics these days…"

" _Garrus_ ," Dr. Chakwas called from the other side of the room in her mommy-tone. I heard a few steps and she appeared just behind him. I smirked at him as he cowered slightly away from the older woman. "You will be fine, Kayla, no _prosthetics_ required but you _do_ need your _rest,_ take a walk Vakarian." He nodded as Doc walked away. Looking back at me, he gave my hand another squeeze.

"Do me a favor," he said, leaning a little closer. "Next time you get the idea to jump in front of a gunship, please don't." He looked to see if anyone was near then looked down at me. "I've known Shepard for a long time and I can say this with all honesty. When he caught sight of you on the floor…" He shook his head.

"That's the first time I've ever seen fear in his eyes."


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you Amyress, my beta and my encouragement!**

 **And BJ Hanssen, my new friend and still my best critic!**

Slightly enthusiastic at the fact that I was wearing pants and a shirt instead of the awful scrubs I'd been living in while the med-bay was my temporary home, I sat on the gurney closest to the door swinging my legs like a kid in a chair too tall for them. As I stared intently at the mechanism that controlled the way to my freedom Dr. Chakwas stood between it and me, facing me and fiddling with the small, hand-held machine she had put a vial of my blood in. Sighing, I looked at her expectantly but she shook her head.

"I don't understand," she mumbled, staring at the machine's small screen as she bit her lip. "This anomaly is unheard of." I didn't remember her saying the word 'anomaly' before so boredom became concern.

"What's up Doc?" I asked, almost slapping myself for the cartoon reference. She shook her head again as she turned so I could see the screen as well.

"This," she said, pointing to a series of letters and numbers grouped at the top of the screen, " _should_ be identical to _this_." She pointed to another group of letters and numbers at the bottom of the screen that were a bit different. Concern was bordering on confusion.

"Ok, what's the one on top represent?" I asked, trying to break it down in my head.

"That is an overlay of your genetic reading frames," she said, "It was derived from the sample you gave when you joined Cerberus." Then she pointed at the one below it. " _This_ one is from a sample I took while you were unconscious." I bit my lip to keep from asking questions I already knew the answers to. I chose my next words carefully.

"Knowing you like I do," I said, "I'm sure you took multiple samples and tested them all." She looked at me and smiled.

"You know me so well," she said, looking back at the screen. "Well, there's only one solution, no matter how _outrageous_ it may sound." She put the machine down next to me and looked me in the eye. "Somehow, some way, your _psyche's_ DNA is taking over Dr. _Martin's_ DNA. You are, essentially, re-writing her genetic code, possibly to match yours from your original body." She looked into my eyes then narrowed hers, looking closer. "What the-"

"Hey there," John beamed as he entered the room wearing his black civvies, similar to the doctor's. Realizing both the Doc and I were not as happy to see him as he was to see us he stopped in his tracks, his smile fading. "What happened?"

"Nothing," I quickly responded, looking at Doc and shaking my head. "Just science-y stuff." I smiled warmly at him. "What's got you so bubbly today?" His smile returned but it was shyer.

"I… was… just happy to see you upright," he said, gesturing toward me. I nodded.

"It's nice to _be_ upright," I agreed, easing myself to the floor. "How long do you think I'll be down, Doc?" She shook her head then looked at me, forcing a demure smile.

"Another week, maybe more, I won't be sure until I get the results from a few more tests," she said as she moved closer to me, looking _at_ my eyes instead of into them once again. She shook her head again, mumbled something then went back to her desk. My eyes followed her until she sat then quickly moved to John who was looking at me with far more scrutiny than before.

"So, are you allowed to leave the med-bay at least?" he asked, taking a few more steps toward me. I gave him a questioning look. "We're heading to Illium. It's a beautiful planet and I thought you might enjoy seeing it."

Feeling the older woman's eyes on him, he turned to Dr. Chakwas. "No fighting, I promise," he assured her, waiting for her response. She nodded and he smiled, looking back at me.

"There's a place… to eat, a restaurant that I'd like you to see. It has an amazing view of the capital city." Keeping my expression from going into full-on shock was increasingly difficult as my heart made its way into my throat. _Is he… asking me out? On a date?_ I took a breath and swallowed my heart back down, speechless for a minute or so then smiling and nodding.

"Uh… yeah, I'd love to… see the view… from the restaurant. With… you." The words stumbled from my lips clumsily. _Shit, someone shoot me!_ He clapped his hands together and nodded.

"Great, we should be there in a few hours so get ready," he said. Taking a few more steps to be less than a foot away from me, he looked closely at my eyes and squinted. "Kayla, your eyes…"

"I saw that too," Dr. Chakwas said as she rushed over to us, looking again at whatever interested her the first time. "I thought it was my imagination, but now…"

"Ok, what now," I mumbled, putting out a hand. "Do you have a mirror?" Doc turned around, grabbing a small one from another table and shoved it into my hands. I quickly brought it to my face, looking for whatever it was they were concerned about.

"What about my eyes?" I asked, looking closer, "they're… blue." John took the mirror from me and cradled my chin, looking at both eyes again.

"Yes, but they _were_ brown."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After another hour of fussing Doc finally let me out, insisting that John and I promise to record any other changes that we notice. We agreed and John walked me to my newly assigned quarters in Port Observation.

Looking around the room I saw it had the same look as the starboard side but with less seating, plus a queen size bed in the right corner of the room with drawers built into the bottom. As I glanced further to the right I smiled at the stainless steel built-in wet bar and looked back at him.

"Is it my birthday?" I asked with a wink. He laughed, briefly reaching out to brush my cheek with his thumb. Suddenly I felt alive, as if he'd sent electricity through me with that single touch.

"Kind of," he agreed softly. He cleared his throat and nodded toward the bed. "Get ready. There are some civvies in the drawers under the bed, some of the female crew members contributed until we get to a civilized system."

Not willing to take anything for granted just yet I stared at him, trying to get a read. _Why, why are you being so open? What's your motive, what do you get out of it?_ Apparently I stared a little longer than I should have because he gave me a knowing smirk and shook his head. "Dress nice." And he walked out, the door shutting fast behind him.

Taking a minute to clear my head, I decided to play along. _No sense in alienating him just yet, he is your ride to Earth after all._ I shook my head; just the idea of that sentence being accurate was still disturbing.

I dove into the drawers looking for something 'nice' to wear.

I found leggings and shirts, a bunch of different colors and styles. _Dress nice he says, how?_ I thought until I spotted a deep blue satin-like cloth at the bottom of the drawer. Gently I pulled it out and stood, holding it up at the shoulders and gasped.

It was a floor length curve-clinging dress with squared off shoulders and a high neck. The body was a deep royal blue with navy blue arms and a blood red 3" stripe going from the neckline straight down to the hem. The cloth felt luxurious between my fingers and it looked to be about my size. _Whoever gave this up, I have to thank them!_ I thought then, getting a whiff of myself, I realized I smelled like antiseptic.

I went to the community shower and cleaned up then wrapped myself in a towel, returning to my room.

Pulling on the dress, I let the amazingly soft material slide over my skin and checked myself out in the mirror. I smiled, feeling more like a woman than I had in a long time. Mussing up my shoulder length sandy blonde hair, I parted it on the left and combed it with my fingers to give it a just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

I found what I realized was a make-up kit in another small drawer and went to work on my face, going with smoky eyes and red lips. Satisfied with my appearance, I found a pair of flats in another drawer and slipped them on as I rushed out the door, hair still slightly damp.

"Well," I heard Miranda's snarky tone as I waited for the elevator. Suppressing the impulse to roll my eyes I forced a smile and turned to look at her.

"Hello Miranda," I said, then turned back to look at the elevator door. She huffed out a laugh that _could_ have been mistaken for a grunt.

"You look… nice," she forced out. Slipping my mask on, I looked back at her impassively.

"Thank you," I responded with a nod and turned back to the door. When it finally opened I heard her sigh.

"What's the occasion?" she asked as we entered. I pushed the button for the CIC and the doors shut.

"I'm going down to the planet," I said, choosing my words carefully.

"By yourself?" I could tell by her tone she knew that couldn't be true but, not sure what she was up to, I kept my answer short.

"No, with John."

Silence.

The doors opened to the CIC and I stepped off, heading toward the cockpit. I spotted Kelly at her normal post and caught her eye, pointing to the dress I wore with a questioning look. She smiled and nodded to which I responded with a mouthed 'thank you' and continued toward the bridge.

I could hear Miranda's steps keeping up with me as John came into view, waiting by the exit door while he chatted with Joker. He was wearing what appeared to be a dress uniform, mostly black with some white accents. The following footsteps stopped just as I entered the short hallway leading to the front of the ship.

"You know what pisses me off?" I could hear Joker going off. "Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges, Asari have cockpits. Oh wait, no they don't," he said with a chuckle. John shook his head with a grin as he turned to see me. His jaw slackened a little as he took the 'dress nice' me in.

"Wow," he subtly mouthed, quickly bringing his eyes back up to mine with a renewed smile. "You look amazing." I felt a blush as I smiled, glancing at the floor.

"Thank you," I breathed out. "Ready?" He nodded, pushing the large red button to open the door and reaching for my hand. I reached out as I got closer, giving it to him and he tucked it into the crook of his arm.

"Right this way."


	8. Chapter 8

_Thanks again to my peeps on An Archive of Our Own and here on FanFiction! My beta, Amyress, and my constant companion BJ Hanssen, thank you too!_

 _Comments and followers keep me going!_

The Asari were… beautiful. As if someone took a woman from your imagination and tailored her just for you. And so many of them looked so much alike, it was difficult to tell who I'd already seen and who I hadn't. Clothing was helpful, as well as the different hues of blue skin tone. Some had what I could only assume was make-up in different patterns on their faces which also set them apart. _None of this shit was in the dossiers…_

"You look like a lost puppy," John smiled at me as we made our way through a market area. "I thought you were going to lose it when you saw the concierge but now I'm worried you may hide under a table." I shook my head, a small smile creeping in.

"Oh ha ha," I spoke softly so no passerby could hear. "I'm reading the area, gauging the people before I attempt interaction. I don't know about you but I'm not really in the mood for an intergalactic incident because I stuck my foot in my mouth."

I pulled to a stop and looked up at him. "You know, we can spare a few minutes, you should probably thank your friend for paying for our docking and such. Didn't the concierge say her office was up those stairs?" I motioned to a small alcove to our right and his smile dropped. He'd instantly become uncomfortable, his free hand finding its way to the back of his neck.

"Yeah, maybe later," he rushed out, his eyes darting from one side to the other as if looking for a place to hide. Feeling the tension roll off of him I sighed, knowing there was a story and not patient enough to wait for it.

"Ok, fess up," I demanded, taking my hand from him and crossing my arms. Apparently taken off guard, his eyes flew back to meet mine. "What's the deal with the two of you?" His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed; something I hadn't seen him do before.

Was he actually _afraid_?

"Uh," he started, looking around again. "Well…" His eye returned to mine with a sigh. "Liara, she's… kind of my ex." Steady blue eyes looked back at me as I absorbed the surprise information. _No wonder he's uncomfortable._

I nodded. "Alright, I'll wait here." I looked around for a place to sit. Finding one a few steps away, I got comfortable and smiled up at him. His eyes were searching mine for … something. I sighed.

"John, go say thank you. I'll be right here when you get back," I pushed. "No need to be rude. Go!" I laughed as I swatted at his hand. Sitting back, I draped an arm along the back of the bench and crossed my legs casually. He took a few steps then looked back at me. I gave him a wink and a nod, smirking at him. He returned the smirk and wink then turned to walk up the stairs.

"You will be the death of me Commander Shepard," I mumbled, reaching to play with a strand of my hair and looking around. People watching wasn't really my thing but if it passed the time…

"Yes, they're red sand dealers. Big operation out of The Eternity Lounge and they need to be stopped," I heard a woman's voice from my right say. My interest peaked so I looked over and saw an Asari speaking with a human man in armor with 'N7' on the chestplate in red. I averted my eyes but kept listening to the conversation, unsure as to what this 'red sand' was.

"Really," he responded, his armor clicking as he adjusted his stance. "How do you know?"

"I'm an undercover cop," she stated, bringing a small smirk to my face. _Sure you are, honey. And I'm a Krogan._

"Really?" This guy was getting excited. _Too_ excited, as if he was going to do something…

"How can I help?"

I rolled my eyes and looked in the opposite direction from them. _None of your business, stay out of it. Doesn't matter if you can see where this is going._

"What I really need is the deed to the place," the Asari whispered. My hearing picked it up anyway, she whispered like an Irishman.

Anger flooded my veins. I despised liars, manipulators of the naïve even more. It was a big part of my motivation to go into law enforcement, to protect innocents from shit like this. This man was obviously trying to do something good and this asshole was taking full advantage of that.

Not bothering to listen to the rest I clenched and unclenched my fists, trying to get my temper under control. I focused on my breathing, in and out, until I saw the guy rush past me as if on a mission. I sighed and shook my head.

"Oh for the love of… I hope I don't ruin this dress," I said to myself as I shot John a quick message to meet me at the bar and followed the poor unfortunate soul.

Thankfully the place wasn't far and my quarry wasn't that observant so I kept up with him without being noticed. When he walked into the place he approached the first person he saw, the bartender, and demanded the deed. The bartender was less than accommodating.

I bellied up to the bar and subtly waved her over, her relief plain on her face.

"Thanks, not sure how much more I could take," she whispered. I smiled and shook my head.

"Just a heads up, someone put him up to it, said something about this place dealing in 'red sand'," I explained, filling her in on the Asari from the kiosk by Liara's office. I could have sworn her face showed a hint of purple then she nodded, moving back toward the misguided man.

"Listen, crap for brains, first, we don't sell red sand. Second, red sand is _legal_ on Illium! You just need a license!" she snorted and walked away just as Shepard strolled up to the scene.

"Conrad? What are _you_ doing here?" he asked, obviously concerned about the guy's presence. The man turned and faced John with a gasp.

"Commander Shepard?" Conrad sputtered out. The bartender perked up at that.

"Hey, if you know this idiot can you rein him in before I slap his ass with a singularity?" she spat, waving her hand as if at a fly. Conrad didn't seem to hear her as he continued to gape at John.

"Shepard, Shepard is that you?" he said quietly. "It's me, Conrad Verner!" He obviously missed the part where Shepard had already recognized him. "We met on the Citadel? I wanted to become a Spectre? Oh, uh, and then you shoved a gun in my face, you showed me what it meant to be truly _extreme…_ " I couldn't take it anymore, I put myself between Conrad and John and put up my hands.

"Ok, that's it," I said firmly, "Enough. _You_!" I poked Conrad in his armored chest. "Stop. Now." He looked at me mystified then went to open his mouth again but I put my hand in front of it. "AH! No. Shut it." I glared at him and waited to be sure he was going to be quiet then turned to John.

"Conrad was told that this place was a red sand operation, which is apparently _legal_ here if you have the proper permits," I turned to glare at the offending party again then returned to Shepard, "by an Asari at the kiosk near where I was sitting."

I took a breath, allowing my annoyance to drain away. "In his very flimsy defense she claimed she was an undercover cop and needed the deed to this place to shut down the operation. A blatant _lie_ but there it is." I turned to face Conrad again and saw the pitiful look he had on his face. I instantly felt terrible for him. John must have too.

"Alright," he said, placing a hand around my waist as he stood next to me to face Verner. "I'll go talk to this 'undercover cop' and figure out what's going on."

"Thank you," the bartender said from behind her attacker, "If I kill annoying customers it usually causes property damage." She shook her head in disgust. " _That_ comes out of my pay." Verner looked at me then at John.

"Just let me know if you need any help Shepard," he mumbled as he walked away. I turned to look up at John who smiled down at me, his arm still around my waist.

"The bitch at the kiosk tried to take advantage of the guy," I said, nodding toward where Conrad stood. "I couldn't let it happen so I followed him to keep an eye on him."

With his free hand he pushed a strand of hair away from my face, a gentle look in his eye. "You are… huh." I cocked an eyebrow at him.

"What?" I asked, "Nosey? Intrusive?" He laughed, shaking his head.

"I was going to say compassionate," he whispered as he gently brushed his lips against my forehead. "Come on, I've got an idea on how to handle this 'undercover cop'."

John's idea was to convince her everything was cool for her to go to the bar to demand the deed and off she went, as gleefully as could be. When John and I arrived a few minutes later she was already in cuffs. I held my hand over my mouth to subdue my laughter, without success. She shouted a few obscenities at us, claiming that her predicament was somehow our fault as the authorities dragged her away. Conrad was in the same spot as when we'd left, looking at the scene with confusion as we approached him.

"What happened? The undercover cop from the weapon's kiosk just got arrested!" he exclaimed. I slipped my mask into place and waited for John to explain.

"She wasn't a cop, she was a deep cover operative from a terrorist cell," he said, not missing a beat. It took some effort but I kept my face blank as he continued. "I'd never have found her if not for you." Conrad's eye widened.

"Really?" he whimpered. His tone pulled at my heart strings. He must have been starved for any kind of attention, much less the positive kind.

"Really," John insisted, "you did a great job Conrad. Now please go home. Let me take it from here." Verner's face went stern as he gave a stiff nod.

"Can do Shepard, and thanks. It's really good to have you back." And off he went. I shook my head as I watched him walk away.

"Whatcha thinkin'?" John's whisper in my ear jolted my out of my thoughts, making me step away from him and my breath hitch slightly. Shaking my head at him, I rested a hand on my chest.

"Shit, don't do that," I said then dropped my hand and glanced back in the 'hero's' direction. "Some would say what you just did was cruel, that the truth would have been kinder." As I looked back at him he shifted his stance and crossed his arms.

"What would _you_ say?" he asked, eyeing me closely. Holding my blank expression, I stepped toward him. We were practically nose to nose when I grinned slyly.

"That it was an act of compassion," I whispered, giving him a light peck on the tip of his nose and walking away.

"Weren't you taking me out to _dinner_? I'm _starving_ Shepard!"


	9. Chapter 9

**_Thank you thank you thank YOU! I love the kudos and the reviews, please feel free to continue!_**

 ** _And thanks ever so much to my beta Amyress and my encouragement BJHanssen!_**

"You are shitting me," I'd almost spat out my wine, shaking my head. "What the hell possessed him to do that?"

John shook his head, his shoulders still shaking slightly from laughter. "I have yet to get an honest answer." Finally regaining control he picked up his wine glass and took a quick sip. "I will say this though, it took balls."

"Yeah, definitely more balls than brains at work there." I put my empty glass down with a sigh. "It's getting late, where is the waitress? I'm hungry." Sitting up in my chair I looked around and, spotting an Asari standing at another table, gave her a wave and a smile that she returned.

Turning back to John I caught him giving me a look I couldn't readily identify, somewhere between curiosity and… lust maybe? I sat back in my chair and arched a brow at him. "Thoughts?" Apparently unaware of his expression it quickly changed to that charming smile of his as he brought his glass to his lips again.

"Heh, not a chance," he mumbled, putting his now empty glass down. Saving him from explaining, the waitress approached our table and handed us both digital menus then bowed before leaving. I looked it over and realized I had no idea what the hell any of it was.

I shot John a brilliant smile and batted my eye lashes a bit. "Would you mind terribly ordering for me?" I looked back down at the menu and wrinkled my nose. "I am clueless on Asari cuisine." I heard a rumble of laughter come from across the table so I shot him a playful glare. "I live to amuse, Commander."

"Stop, don't worry," he tried to assure me. "Do you like steak, seafood or chicken?"

"I like it all but I could really go for a good steak," I hummed, my mouth watering at the thought. His smile got bigger as he scanned the menu and nodded.

"No worries," he said as he waved the waitress back over. "I got this."

Not understanding what he was ordering I didn't really pay attention, instead I scanned the rest of the open air dining area. There were a few other tables, maybe five or six, all with seating for two. All the tables were occupied, most with Asari but there were also a few Salarians and even a Krogan. Although the Krogan wasn't sitting so maybe he was muscle. When I looked back at our table the wine glasses were full and the waitress was gone.

"So," John breathed out, looking around then resting his eyes back on me. "I understand you have orders so I will only ask one question. What can you tell me about yourself?" He sat back and rested his arms on his chair, the look of a patient listener taking over his face. I took a breath and sat upright in my chair, looking down at my lap thoughtfully then back up, meeting John's eyes.

Those beautiful blue eyes… argh, focus!

I swallowed and nodded. "Ok, well I can tell you about my training, what I am capable of since you will need to know those things to utilize me to the fullest." I saw one side of his lips tug up so I briefly narrowed my eyes. "Easy killer. I can also tell you I was an only child, grew up in a suburb and graduated from college with honors." His eyebrows lifted at that.

"Really," he replied, more interest than surprise, "what did you study?" I paused, thinking through the conversation to see if it could lead somewhere I couldn't go. He put up a hand and shook his head. "No worries, you don't have to answer."

"No, I want to, I just want to be sure it isn't something I shouldn't tell you," I rushed out then bit my lower lip, looking him in the eye. "Oddly enough I want to tell you everything."

As soon as the words left my lips I wanted to suck them back in. It was too much too soon, I knew that but if I was being completely honest it was true. From the moment he lifted me off the floor at the Cerberus base I trusted the man, completely. No doubt, no forethought, it was as if deep down I knew him…

But I didn't, there was no way I could have known him. I was born in the late 1900's, almost 200 years before he was, it just wasn't possible…

Unless… no, I'm not going there. Snap out of it, woman! He is dead and this is…

So lost in my own thoughts I didn't notice that John had leaned forward on the table and taken my hand in his. Rubbing the back of it with his thumb, he waited for me to speak. Pushing away all other thoughts I huffed out a relenting laugh.

"I'm an idiot." I shook my head and looked down at the table. "I need to level with you," I lifted my head and looked into his eyes, those eyes that were so alluring, so familiar, "as to why I trust you like I do. Why this is so easy for me." I slowly pulled my hand away, trying to collect myself and clear my head. John's expression changed from confusion to suspicion as he retracted his hand, resting it in his lap.

"Alright," he said with a nod. "I'm listening." I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly to focus.

"Alright, I'm not sure where to start so I'll blurt it all out and pick up the pieces after. Sound good?" I pulled my lips between my teeth, waiting for his response. He nodded and I let loose the breath I had no idea I was holding. "Ok, good. So you remind me of someone. Someone I was very close to and I trusted implicitly. That's saying something because I trust no one." Breathe, you'll pass out if you keep this up.

"It's your eyes mostly," I explained, softly smiling at him as the tears welled up. Feeling the lump in my throat return I swallowed again. "He had blue eyes too, same color and everything. I used to tease him saying he was his mother's worst nightmare." A tear fell and I quickly brushed it away. "I… we were close."

John watched me closely. I could see him mentally collecting all of the information and assessing the validity. I was sure he had questioned my honestly before, I was a stranger and a potential threat, but this time it was personal. It wasn't about the mission or keeping his people safe…

It was his heart. His heart that you are fucking with.

This is wrong.

"I want to apologize," I jutted out my chin, physically accepting full responsibility for the situation as my gut fell to the floor, "I should not have acted on those feelings. It would be akin to replacing him with you and that's not fair. Not to either of you." I stood, slowly and deliberately to ensure my legs' stability. He sat there dumbly, the confusion returning to his face as he stood as well.

"Kayla…" The sound of her name on his lips tore my heart in half. Reigning in my emotions I nodded at him as I turned to leave, stopping only long enough to say a few words.

"This was a mistake and I am the only one to blame. I hope you can forgive me." I glanced back at him, avoiding his eyes for fear of what may lie there. "Good night Commander, I'll see you back on the ship."

I walked calmly at an unhurried pace, acutely aware of my surroundings and the attention I would garner from a speedy retreat. The last thing I wanted to do was attract attention to the situation, possibly embarrassing John. Listening for footsteps behind me, I hoped against hope he would not follow which he did not…

But someone approached him.

As I came to the exit I turned to allow my peripheral vision one final glance at the man I was leaving behind and had to swallow my heart back down at the sight.

There stood John being consoled by an Asari I did not remember seeing in the restaurant before. My head turned toward them and I froze, confusion and rage mingling in my chest as I watched this woman nuzzle into his neck, his head dropping to meet hers, arms encircling her easily as close as they were…

You have no right, he is not yours, I chastised. Swallowing again to secure my heart in my chest I brushed the few tears away that had escaped and just started walking.

He is not YOUR John.

Unconcerned with my whereabouts I just kept going, trying to walk off the tension in my body. Tension that YOU caused, dumbass. I ran a hand through my hair and stopped, steadying my breathing. As my heart rate slowed closer to normal I took in my surroundings.

"Great, you ass," my head spun around, searching for anything familiar but coming up empty. "You're lost. As if tonight couldn't' get any worse."

"Are you alright?" A voice with a slight vibration to it asked from a few feet to my right. I turned to see two large, dark eyes staring back, the hint of smaller green irises hiding in their shadows. I recognized his species as Drell, a people who were humanoid but scaled like lizards. His expression was noticeably blank, as was his body language, save the hint of something deeper in his stance.

His shoulders were squared perfectly even though they appeared to be relaxed, as were his hips except for the slight angling of his right foot. It was as if he was ready to leap at a moment's notice. But was it to leap from something…

Or maybe toward?

"Hello," I smiled, "I am alright, thank you, just utterly and completely lost." I looked around like a lost child then looked back at him. "I don't suppose you know the way to the docking bay?" I gave him my best wide-eyed and innocent smile to which he… smirked?

"If you head back that way," he nodded to the area I had just vacated, "and head left when you reach the end of the hall just keep going straight. When it ends, head left again and you will see the concierge desk." Before I thought better of it I reached for his arm to give it a thankful squeeze. I stopped myself just inches from contact and curled my hand into a fist before dropping it back to my side. You've no idea of their customs, maybe they don't like to be touched.

"Thank you so much," I smiled again, giving him a nod in thanks and turning to leave. Surprising me, he reached for me before I'd turned away, taking my hands in his as he smiled and pulled me closer. Something in his eyes and deep down told me not to be alarmed, that if he wished me harm it would not happen with so many witnesses. His gaze flicked behind me. Before I could pull my hands away he squeezed them gently.

"I believe you are being followed," he whispered, leaning toward me enough to keep the words between us. Feeling the tension in my body escalate I relaxed my stance so it wouldn't be noticed.

"Human male? Short dark hair?" I asked. He shook his head with a grin and gently tucked one of my hands into the crook of his arm, leading me away from my stalker.

"Asari, Eclipse by the look of her," he continued to whisper as we strolled along. Reminding myself that I was a stranger here more so than anyone I decided to play along, giving him a toothy smile and a throaty laugh that my tag along would surely hear. It also gave me the opportunity to turn my head enough to get a glance in my peripheral.

"I don't recognize her." Breathing into his ear I gave him a nudge with my nose. "It's possible she is interested in my companions more so than myself. In any case, I need to get back to my ship." I pulled us to a stop in front of a large window, looking out at the skyline then back at him. "Any help would be greatly appreciated." He nodded.

"I have an idea…"


	10. Chapter 10

_**Thank you to my beta, Amyress, who nags me and inspires me.**_

 _ **And thank you to BJHanssen, who without his feedback this fic would not be nearly as good!**_

As we walked through the merchant district Thane pointed to random things, feigning giving me a tour. Our conversation was far detached from our surroundings.

"The only contact you've had with the local citizenry is the disturbance in The Eternity Lounge?" he asked, keeping his face close to mine to ensure privacy. I nodded and smiled at him, turning my head enough to catch a glimpse of our stalker continuing to follow. "Hm. I don't see that being of interest to anyone important. And that particular kiosk is not highly profitable so they would not have the financial capability to hire this caliber of thug, I doubt it's related."

"That's why I think it has something to do with my companions," I whispered, barely moving my mouth. "If I can get back to my ship I think I'll be safe enough. Then I can fill them in and let them take the investigation from there." I gave him a toothy grin and batted my eyelashes. "This shit is outside of my pay grade." He smirked and nodded.

"This way, it will take a bit longer than a direct approach but I think it's best if we do not let on that we are aware of our tail." Silence followed as we pretended to take in our surroundings. Well, he may have been pretending but I was definitely not.

There were a few 'open-air' areas around the city but for the most part everything was enclosed with metallic, dome-like structuring and automatic doors sliding at your approach. Neon-esque signs popped up out of thin air, some with advertisements and others just showing the names of the places they appeared in front of. It was something out of a sci-fi movie.

Yeah, a movie with killer effects. Completely life-like. Wonderful.

We slowly made our way through the city, so much of it in fact it started to all look the same. Tiring of the silence I wondered if my companion would be interested in idle chit chat. I was definitely getting bored out of my mind.

"So Thane," I said as we continued, "I've read a bit about your species but have never come in contact with any before you. I have to say the reading material does you no justice." I gave his arm a gentle squeeze and he replied with a polite nod. "Can you tell me some things about your world? I love a good biased point of view." I felt him more than heard him sigh, a nostalgic look came over his face.

"Depending on how much you read you may know that the planet I called home was not in fact our native world." A gentle tug on my arm signaled me to stop as he raised his arm with the glowing bracelet that I'd recently learned was a portable computer called an Omni-Tool. He released my arm to punch something into the air and a picture came up. "This is the Drell home world."

"It's a dessert world," I gasped, taking in the golden landscape of sand and rock. The atmosphere was a pale blue, similar to Earth's which made me smile. Thane shifted his stance sideways, holding his left arm out in front of me to allow me better access to the images.

"Rakhana," he breathed into my ear.

Not realizing how close we were, the warmth sent an unexpected flutter down my body and a tiny gasp escaped my lips before I could stop it. His chest rumbled against my arm, drawing my eyes to his to see what I thought was amusement. His lips then curled slightly telling me I was correct so I returned the smile.

"Heh," I sighed, dragging a hand through my hair and reaching up with the other to scroll through the remaining pictures. "It's lovely, but your species lives on Kahje now? Did I pronounce that correctly?" Attempting to shake off the aftershocks of his closeness, I took the conversation as an opportunity to step away, if only half a step. Breathe woman.

"That is correct," he said as he closed down his Omni-Tool. I waited, expecting him to continue but he closed his mouth, his eyes hinting not to pry so instead I gave him a smile.

"Well, Rakhana is beautiful," I said and looked around casually, seeing our tail still in place and eyeing us. "She really doesn't seem to be concerned about being made. Isn't that odd?" I asked, turning back to meet his eyes. From that close, the green was obvious and a stark contrast to the black eyelids that protected it. They glittered like emeralds. My birthstone.

"It is not on this world," he explained, "only because it is not illegal to follow someone. There are many personal freedoms taken for granted on other planets that are not enjoyed here. If we move through there," he pointed to another doorway, "we will arrive at the docking bay and your ship." He turned and extended his arm to me again. "If I may?"

I smiled genuinely and took his arm. "You may." He nodded and led me through the passage. Seeing the Normandy not 50 feet away I sighed in relief. "Never thought I'd be so happy to see that hunk of metal." We continued on and stopped at the ramp leading to the ship.

Thane turned to face me, releasing my arm but holding my hand. "It was a pleasure," he whispered and nodded before turning to walk away. Not thinking of who would see, I reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Wait," I cautiously pulled him closer and he obliged. "Will I see you again? You are probably the first friend I've made that didn't have to be nice to me." Expectantly my eyes flitted back and forth between his, hoping he would say yes. Silence was his response so I tried sincerity. "I truly enjoyed my evening, the end anyway, and I would like us to be friends. Here," I released his arm and pulled up my Omni-Tool, taking my contact info and swiping it to him like Garrus had shown me. "If you get bored, give me a call." He checked his and noted he received the info.

"I would like that, Kayla." That one sentence brought something out of me that I hadn't felt in ages, that feeling of genuine friendship. I'd surrounded myself in my work, mostly handling things on my own, but in that moment I'd finally found someone that wanted to be my friend, not who felt they had to be friendly to get what they wanted from me.

I grinned and gave him a quick hug. "Wonderful, I'll talk to you soon." Nodding to each other once more, I turned to board the ship...

Coming face to face with a seemingly unhappy John.

"Hello John," I deadpanned, unsure of how to approach him. He nodded, glancing at Thane's retreating form.

"Who's your friend?" His voice was gravelly, a tone I wasn't familiar with from him. Inside I huffed, I never liked the jealous look on a man but on the outside I turned to face him and lifted my chin ever so slightly.

"He helped me find my way back to the ship." I kept my tone even, not a hint of the turmoil that was going on inside. "I got turned around and then discovered I had a tail. He took pity on me."

He stared at me, most likely looking for a hint of deception. Back to this again, I seethed. Men are so predictable when they don't get their way, and territorial. I held my vacant expression and waited for him to either say what was on his mind or relent, either way a decision would be made.

His shoulders suddenly sagged and he let out a sigh, looking at the ground then back at me. His expression became apologetic, sad even. "I don't like how we left things." He held out a hand for me to take.

I stared at that hand. It had so many meanings. It could mean I'm sorry and let's be friends or I'm sorry and let's forget tonight ever happened, maybe even taking it would mean I would be the one apologizing. Only one of those would be acceptable and I needed clarification.

I looked back into his eyes, allowing the sadness to come through my facade. "There is only one way this can go." I waited, watching the emotions ghost over his face as his arm dropped to his side. Our eyes locked and for a few moments we were both looking for something in the other's eyes, something that might not have been there.

Finally John sighed, shaking his head and smirking. "Come on," he reached out his hand again.

"Let's have a drink and really talk."


	11. Chapter 11

_**Chapter 11**_

 _ **Thank you to my wonderful BETA Amyress, who gives me incredible advice.**_

 _ **And thank you to BJHanssen, whose encouragement keeps me going.**_

 _ **And Seabo76, who apparently is a marathon reader like me.**_

 _ **J**_

Sitting side by side at the bar that just happened to be in my room, John and I stared straight ahead, our drinks forgotten in front of us. The tiled wall was as good a distraction as any as I tried to choose my words. _It's a bad idea, that alone should be enough._ He sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands.

"I can accept that I am too much of a reminder for you to be comfortable," he blurted out, startling me as my eyes flew to him. He glanced over and shook his head. "But for you to think I'm not capable of making my own decisions…"

"That is not what I said," I interrupted, almost laughing at his inaccurate translation of my 'it's not you it's me' excuse. _REASON. Whatever._ "I said it wouldn't be fair to either of you for me to pursue anything with you." He laughed, shaking his head.

"Again, I can't make my own decisions," he summarized bluntly. I rolled my eyes and shrugged.

"Fine, then what are your thoughts on fraternization among crew members?" I asked, putting emphasis on the _fraternization_ part. He looked directly at me, narrowing his eyes. _Well that got your attention._

"That's low," he grumbled. I shook my head.

"It's direct." Taking a long pull from my beverage I tilted my glass at him before putting it back down. "Rebuttal?" He shook his head and finished his drink in one gulp, setting the glass down heavily with a deep sigh. His eyes bored into me, making my back straighten and my shoulders stiffen. _Hello Commander._

"Are you my subordinate?" The question took me off guard but I considered it carefully before answering.

"Yes and no." He lifted an eyebrow at me but didn't miss a beat.

"Elaborate," he deadpanned. I nodded.

"When out in the field you are my CO. Otherwise…" I clamped my mouth shut, knowing I had just left an opening and he smirked. _Shit._

"So if we use your definition, when you are on this ship I'm not your commanding officer and when this mission is over I will no longer be your commanding officer in any way which would mean you are not a subordinate _now._ Therefore fraternization does not apply." He sat back, obviously pleased with himself. "So as long as you can keep it professional in the field there shouldn't be any issues." I glared at him. Twisting my words to negate my feelings on the matter was low but insinuating I would have trouble remaining professional just pushed the _wrong_ button.

"Why are you pushing this?" I demanded heatedly. "Is it about you being wrong? About being turned down? What?" His smirk turned to a scowl almost instantly.

"You think this is about my ego?" He couldn't hide the disbelief in his voice, lowering it to practically a whisper. He shook his head and stood, pointing at me. "You know what, never mind. You win."

And he walked out.

"What the fuck just happened?" I gaped at the now closed door, trying to process his reaction when panic set in. "Shit, now he's going to throw me off the ship and leave me to my own devices. I am such an asshole and now I'm _fucked!_ " I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled, trying to use the pain to clear my head. "What do I do now, what do I do?"

"Everything alright?" Garrus interrupted my tirade from the door, making me jump in surprise.

" _Fuck Garrus!_ " I breathed out. "You scared the _shit_ out of me."

"Sorry, unintentional. I saw Shepard leave and, well, he looked…" He wrung his talons together thoughtfully. "Stressed." Taking a few deep breaths to calm down I nodded.

"Yeah." I looked down, winding a lock of hair around my finger. "My fault, of course. I have a tendency to piss people off. I'm..." I faced the window, trying to pull myself together but failing miserably. A relenting sigh escaped me. "Ugh, I don't know what I am."

"Look," Garrus responded, walking further into my room to allow the door to shut. "I've known Shepard for a while and, barring anything Cerberus related, he's a reasonable guy." He moved behind the bar, pouring himself a drink. "He's the type to 'take action', not overly emotional. He'll think things through and make a rational decision." Sitting at the bar, he motioned to the stool next to him that I approached.

"But what would be a _rational decision_ when it comes to me?" I questioned, looking for an objective opinion as I sat. He appeared to give his answer some thought.

"Probably to go straight to Earth and drop you off, never looking back. But that's just my opinion." He took a sip from the tumbler in his hand and looked back at me. "You are a distraction." I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Distraction?" I shook my head. "For whom?" I heard what I thought was a chuckle come from the Turian.

"Are we pretending that we are oblivious or _blind_?" He turned to face me fully. "If you don't know that man has it bad for you then you are either dumb or ignorant, two things I never pegged you for." Grabbing the glass in front of him, he drained the rest of his drink and placed it back on the bar. "Do us all a favor, open those beautiful blue eyes and, as you humans say, face the music." He stood, making his way to the door.

"You two are made for each other."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Still smarting from the argument as well as Garrus' _bullshit_ insight, I decided to stay in my quarters outside of meals and showers. If Garrus was right the best thing I could do for John was to stay out of sight. There were a few times I spotted him either talking to Miranda or Garrus but I would look straight ahead and keep moving, hoping he wouldn't notice me. I needed space as much as he did, to hopefully cool down and maybe let our disagreement go. God knew I wanted to pretend it never happened.

A week or so later Dr. C had released me and we had a new crew member, an Asari named Samara. I was reluctant to approach her, she was so intimidating and _tall,_ so I would just smile politely and nod when we crossed paths. Thankfully she seemed content with that, returning the gesture so we maintained our comfortable silence. After a few days of that I was cleaning my plate from lunch when I heard John clear his throat behind me.

"Kayla," his voice was low and gravelly, sending a warm shiver up my spine. _Focus!_ I swallowed and squeezed my eyes shut, taking a breath and turning to face him with a forced smile.

"Commander," I replied, slipping on my 'good soldier' mask to hide my trepidation. _Please don't tell me you're dropping me off on Ilium, or anywhere else for that matter!_

"Feel like helping me with an op?" he asked, a look of hope in his eyes. I controlled the relieved sigh and nodded.

"Whatever you need." He nodded, a small smile gracing his lips as he gestured toward the lift.

"Follow me, I'm doing the brief now."

We walked into the Communications Room together where Miranda, Jacob and Garrus were waiting. I saw the grimace on the other woman's face and couldn't hide my smirk.

Not that I tried.

"Alright, let's get started," John said as he moved to the head of the console. I stood at parade rest at the opposite end as he typed some info into the console and swiped, bringing up a picture of a very familiar-looking Drell. "Miranda?"

"Thane Krios," she began, glancing at John as she swiped the picture, bringing up some data. "A Drell assassin, rumored to be the most skilled in the galaxy. Unlike most assassins who prefer to snipe their targets from a distance, the Drell prefers to get up close and kill his targets personally. He uses a combination of stealth, firearms, hand to hand combat and biotics and it just so happens he is currently on Ilium. Lucky for us," she concluded, smiling at Shepard. He nodded, keeping his stoic expression and looked at the rest of us.

"Any questions?" I held my mask in place. _Is John so blind that he doesn't realize who that is?_

"Do we expect resistance?" I asked, glancing back and forth between Miranda and John. Miranda dropped the smile and glanced at me before looking back to John.

"Unknown." I nodded and looked at John.

"Do we know where he is on the planet?" He nodded.

"I have a friend in information brokering, she's given us a lead." I nodded acceptance and, taking the hint that the meeting was over I looked at Garrus.

"So, for this mission, you finally gonna break down and get a real gun or what?"

"You mean like that Avenger Alliance personnel have been rocking for the last hundred years? Please, my baby is an elegant weapon. She has style." I shook my head.

"Yeah, and a slower reload than my grandmother's break action."

"Wait, what's a 'break action'?"

"Alright," John interrupted with a shake of his head and a grin. "Enough you two. Suit up and meet me in the CIC in 30."


	12. Chapter 12

_**Thank you Miss Amyress, for keeping me honest.**_

 _ **Hey BJ, I expect the white glove treatment as always. )**_

 _ **And Seabo76, you're so violent! Are we related? Lol**_

"I am _not_ liking this planet anymore Shepard!" I yelled over the shooting, keeping my head down as the mechs laid down fire on my position. I was kneeling behind some kind of a crate, wrestling with my Avenger and burning my hands in the process. " _Fuck._ I take it back Garrus, this thing's a piece of shit." The Turian laughed over the comms.

"My girl's not so bad now, is she?" he said as he took out one of the dog-like robots creeping up behind me. Instinct took over and I jumped, rolling to the next closest cover and bumping shoulders with Shepard. He grabbed the Avenger from my hands and replaced it with his Predator, throwing the white hot gun to the ground and readying his shotgun. I nodded a thank you and shoved a thermal clip into the new pistol, turning to face the onslaught.

A few more fell and we were blissfully alone.

"Are you alright?" Shepard asked as we stood, his eyes scanning me for what I could only assume were injuries. The concern in his eyes was… well, it made me swallow hard and probably turn three shades of red beneath my helmet. _Thank you full face._

"I'm good." I threw up my hands to prove it, did a little spin then took a bow. His helmet only let me see his eyes but the crinkle at their corners told me he was laughing as he shook his head and picked up the Avenger. Clipping it to his back he looked over toward Garrus.

"Garrus, you good?" Shepard's voice went over the comms.

"Yeah, let's get moving before more of those four legged things show up." Garrus secured his rifle to his back and we started down the hall toward the elevators.

I heard a shuffling and pulled the Predator back out, looking around for the source when I spotted him; a salarian lying on the ground and badly injured. I slapped John's chest plate and pointed to him then walked over slowly to see if I could help, securing the area as I went. Kneeling next to him on the ground, I put the gun away and opened my omni tool, giving him a dose of medi-gel.

"Ahhh… thank you," he sighed, a small smile coming over his face. I took off my helmet and smiled back.

"It should take the edge off, at least so you can get to safety," I said as I checked his injuries, pulling bandages out of my pack to cover any open wounds.

"Thanks again," he said. Shepard stepped toward us.

"Who did this to you? And why?" he asked, obviously concerned that we'd stepped in something much larger than we'd originally thought. The man's response was full of terror.

"We are just night workers. Nassana sent them after us." His confusion at the situation only fueling his fear. "She sent the mechs to round us up but we didn't hear… they just started shooting!" Shepard's jaw clenched.

"They just attacked you?" His voice was laced with barely contained anger. I could relate.

"Yes, we were too slow. It was horrible, everyone was screaming…" The salarian took a deep breath, obviously tiring from reliving the terrible incident. "The mercs said there was no time, Nassana wanted us out of the way. Immediately." He started coughing. A little blood came up prompting me to reach for my omni tool again but John knelt down and put a hand on my arm, stopping me as he administered a dose of medi-gel from his supply. The salarian nodded his thanks and continued. "Then the dogs… just find the other workers, please. Help them." I looked at Shepard, hoping that was exactly what we were going to do. The look in his eyes told me I was right.

"We need to get to the penthouse, any suggestions?" John asked. He nodded.

"Take the service elevator to the upper floors. The bridge between the towers isn't finished, but if you're careful… watch out for the mercs."

"Any idea how many?" I asked. The salarian turned to me.

"A lot, dozens of them were wandering around here all day." He nodded to the other room where the elevator waited. "You'll find more the further up you go." Suddenly, like a punch to the gut the reality of the situation hit me.

"Why the hell would Nassana kill her own workers?" I was practically shouting and I knew it, just couldn't contain the confusion and rage. Our injured friend huffed out a laugh.

"To her we're expendable, but… I didn't realize she was that ruthless." He shook his head in confusion. "My friends, coworkers, slaughtered…" His anger bubbled over. "They were jumping off ledges to escape the dogs!" My hands became fists as I clenched my teeth, taking a few breaths to try to calm down.

"This place is a fucking shit hole," I whispered as I stood and took a few steps away to focus. The blood in my veins was pumping so hard I could feel it in my ears. John said something I didn't catch and helped the worker to his feet. He then gestured toward the way we came for him to escape, the injured man taking the opportunity gratefully. Once he was gone John turned to look at me.

He must have realized what was going on in my head because he removed his helmet, dropping it on the floor near mine and stepped toward me, giving me a knowing look.

"I know," he whispered, his eyes glinting with rage. "Believe me, I know."

"You know _what_ exactly?" It was out of my mouth before I could stop it, my temper taking over as it sometimes did. "You know this is _wrong_? You know I'm _pissed_? What do you _know_ because _I_ obviously know absolutely _nothing_!" I raged as I punched a nearby wall, jarring my elbow but good. " _Fuck_!" I flexed the injured elbow, cursing to myself as I stomped around the room, shaking my head as I continued.

"All I _do_ know is in _your_ time, people are _fucked up_! And people from mine bitched about the atrocities people faced, what we dealt with is child's play compared to this." I finally looked up at John whose expression was unreadable, probably because I was just so damned angry. "What the _fuck_ John?"

He approached me carefully, likely because he wasn't sure if I would hit him. Removing his gloves, he reached for my face with both hands and wiped my cheeks with his thumbs as he looked into my eyes. I realized my face was wet and I blushed, I hadn't even noticed the tears.

"I know you're angry, I'm angry too." He pushed a few stray locks of hair out of my face. "I know that this is wrong. I _also_ know that things like this happen every day on this planet as well as others and there is nothing we can do about it.

"What we _can_ do, right here and right now, is make sure this stops for _these_ people. We can stay on mission and clean this mess up before it gets worse." He dropped his hands from my face and took a step back, straightening his shoulders and narrowing his eyes. "We have a mission that must be completed or none of this matters. _You know_ what's at stake." Taking a breath to regain control, I came to the conclusion that I needed to push aside the inner turmoil and focus on the objective. Letting my training take over, I straightened my shoulders and cleared my head.

"You're right, I do know what's at stake," I nodded, walking over to pick up our helmets and offering him his, which he took with a nod. Pushing my hair back I slid my helmet into place and secured it, looking back at John. "And you're right about something else.

"Stopping all the atrocities in the galaxy won't matter if we all end up dead."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Another long firefight and we were on our way. As we rounded a corner I thought I heard voices so, Predator out, I moved toward the sound and saw a large cylindrical duct going straight up. The voices seemed to be coming from it.

"Well, go get him," I heard a woman's voice say.

"You go!" A man responded. He sounded a bit trepidatious.

"Get your ass in there," the woman commanded. "Nassana's not paying you to stand around."

"Fine. But I…" A grunt followed by clattering metal and suddenly a body fell from the duct, landing right in front of me with a sickening crunch.

"What the… Oh, gross!" I squawked, jumping back in case the other would be joining him. John appeared at my side.

"Where the hell did _he_ come from?" He asked, looking up the duct. I laughed.

"I think our friendly neighborhood assassin took him out." I winked my approval and motioned to our right where I could hear a lot of movement. "We have more pressing issues at the moment."

Turning to face the oncoming threat we walked head-on into another firefight. Then another. Hoping to catch our breath, we took a break from pushing forward and wandered around searching for thermal clips or signs of life. Shepard came upon a locked door and decided it was a good idea to open it. _Apparently sating his curiosity is more important than breathing._ Guns ready Garrus and I flanked him when it opened.

There were four or five salarians cowering in the corner with their hands up, begging for mercy. Why they had been locked in that room was a mystery but, suddenly cautious, John pointed his gun at them. Probably in case they weren't what they seemed to be. I refrained from rolling my eyes at the irony.

"Please, don't kill us! We'll go… we'll go," one of them insisted as another approached us.

"Hey look, they're not Eclipse." He gestured toward Shepard with a hopeful grin. "So you're here to help us, right?" Shepard huffed a laugh into the comms and lowered his gun.

"It's one reason I'm here. Come on out, it's safe enough." He waved for them to leave the room which they did with relief.

"Thank you," the first one said. "We are in your debt."

"Maybe you can help me," John said as he put his gun in its holster. "I'm looking for someone. Not a merc… he's on his own." The salarian hummed.

"Well, whoever sealed us in here…" He put a finger to his chin then, thoughtfully, he continued. "When he found us, I thought we were dead. But he just closed the door and locked us in." I cocked an eyebrow at Garrus who returned my confused look.

"An assassin who doesn't kill… kinda doesn't make sense," I whispered, biting my lip. Garrus nodded.

"Yeah, sounds like he was trying to keep them safe."

"Assassin?" The other salarian piped up, almost excited. "Here for Nassana I bet, she's got it coming. You treat people like this, it always comes back to bite you in the ass." I smirked in agreement.

John asked them how to get to our goal and they confirmed what we already knew, get up to the top and cross the bridge. John asked the men why they worked for Nassana if they didn't like her and they admitted they were under contract. I felt for them, obviously they had no idea what they were signing up for. Still curious, I wondered if it was Thane that locked them in there.

"One thing," I stepped toward them and stood next to John. "The man who locked you in there, what can you tell us about him?" The second one spoke up again, apparently enjoying the fact that he could speak freely for probably the first time since taking the job.

"He's no salarian, I can tell you that. But I've no idea where he went. Sorry." I nodded, realizing the men were so frightened they probably wouldn't have been too attentive to detail anyway.

"If he's after Nassana," the first one offered, "he'll be heading to the upper levels." I nodded again and John asked if there were more workers. They weren't sure so he told them to get out of the building.

"And tell your assassin to aim for her head," the second one stopped to tell John, "cause she doesn't have a _heart_!" I sputtered a laugh and a vibration came over the comms from Garrus as the salarian stomped away. John turned to face us and gestured with his head to follow him to the elevator bay which, oddly enough, was readying to stop on our floor. I looked at Garrus and back handed his chest plate playfully.

"1,000 credits says there's 10 mercs in there," I joked. I heard him hum in thought.

" _2,000_ says there's 10 mercs _and_ 10 _mechs_ ," he replied. I looked back at the door and readied the Predator, slapping a new thermal clip in it and ducking behind cover just in time to see the door open and the bullets start flying. Once everything got quiet I looked at the bodies scattered across the room and laughed out loud.

"HA! All mercs, I win!" I chided as I walked toward Garrus, hand out. "Pay up Vakarian!" He mumbled something that may not have been very nice and pulled up his omni-tool, swiping something toward me. Mine chimed and I opened it to see a transfer had been made to me for 2,000 credits. I smiled politely at him and nodded. "Pleasure doing business."

"If you two are done," John interjected from the elevator. Taking the hint, Garrus and I jogged over to him as he closed the door, the lift taking us up. Once there, the door opened and at the end of the corridor we saw a fully armored merc talking to someone over comms. We took Shepard's lead and slowly made our way toward him.

He was saying something about missing teams but his team was ready and he didn't know where 'he' was yet. Then he assured the other person everything was under control and that he would take care of it. Realizing this was one of the assholes in charge I didn't flinch when John pulled his gun.

"Turn around very slowly," he growled, to which the merc complied, uttering a curse. "Have you seen the assassin?" The man seemed confused as he backed away from John, moving toward a floor-to-ceiling glass window that lead to a very long drop.

"Why are you looking for him? You're not one of Nassana's mercs, who are you?" The tremor in his voice made me smile. _Freaking son of a bitch deserves to die in terror._ John backed the man all the way up to the window.

"Answer my questions and I'll let you go," he purred, trying to play good cop. The merc however wasn't cooperating.

"Look pal, even if I knew where he was I wouldn't tell you." John got in the guy's face.

"Not the answer I was looking for." Knowing we weren't going to get anything from the jackass without some violence, I stepped in front of John and grabbed the neck of the merc's chest plate. In one swift motion I shoved him back hard enough to break the window and held him at a 25 degree angle out of it, just enough that if he tried to right himself he would fall to his death. Removing my helmet with my free hand and dropping it to the ground, I smiled wickedly at the bastard.

"Please, give me a reason," I snarled. His helmet hid his face completely but his voice told me all I needed to know.

"W-w-w-wait! I-I'm just a merc for fuck's sake! What are you _doing_?" he squealed as I adjusted my grip. My lips twitched, knowing I had him right where I wanted him.

"The assassin," I deadpanned, "what do you _know_?"

"Ok ok! Last I heard the assassin was down on the mezzanine but the teams on the bridge think they might have spotted him! Nobody knows for sure, now please!" Listening to him beg for his life brought up the mental image of salarians running and jumping out windows to get away from vicious mechanical dogs that were trying to tear them apart. I clenched my teeth. Feeling the feral smile fall away it was replaced by an enraged glare. I was ready to let him fall, totally fine with watching him go splat just like all of those defenseless people when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Kayla." John's voice was low and soft, like it had been when he talked me down after my breakdown on Omega. "He's not worth it. Pull him in and let's go." _You know he's right. Breathe!_ My conscience spoke to me for the first time in over a year, since before... It totally took me off guard.

But I listened.

One deep breath and I pulled him back in. I held onto his collar for another few seconds just to watch him squirm. Noticing he was shaking like a leaf, my smile renewed as I released him. _Good._

"Go." It was barely a whisper, more of a guttural growl but he took it and ran to the elevator as we watched, punching some buttons and sighing with relief as the door closed. I turned back to stare out the window. Feeling the wind blow through my hair I closed my eyes, trying to find my center. _Breathe in, pool the rage in your gut, then blow it all away._ Two breaths and my eyes opened. One more to steady myself and I bent over to pick up my helmet but John had beaten me to it.

He stood motionless with my helmet in one hand and his in the other, arms hanging at his sides. His eyes bored into mine, penetrating my very soul, his complete understanding and acceptance of myself and my actions flowing through me like a shot of bourbon warming its way through my veins. It was more calming than any breathing exercise and brought me back from the brink of self destruction once again. A deep sigh left me as I felt my lips form a gentle smile. Being with him, being near him, it felt like…

Home.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you again to my beta, Miss Amyress, for keeping me sane.**

"Get back. Get _back!_ " the Salarian shouted as he shoved a gun toward us. "I'll shoot!" I could tell by his body language and his voice that he was terrified, definitely not thinking clearly.

"It's alright," I cooed, putting my borrowed pistol back into its holster and putting up my hands. "We're not here to hurt you." Garrus and Shepard followed suit, shouldering their guns as well. "See? We're all good." I held my calm stance as his hand shook harder, his finger flexing on the trigger.

"I don't want to hurt you… but I will. I said get _back_! I'll do it!" His tone changed in that moment, as if exhaustion, both mental and physical, were setting in. "Please… don't make me do it." Something akin to defeat flashed in his eyes as he dropped them to the ground.

His terror tore at my heart, the man had already been through God knew what and now more strangers armed to the teeth were in his face… My hands still up, I used one to slowly remove my helmet.

"Hey," I said softly, my face and eyes exuding calm and empathy, "we're not the bad guys here." I slowly put my helmet on the floor and dropped my hands to my sides. "What's your name?"

He seemed to hesitate. "I'm… I'm Telon." I took a step toward him and his defenses went back up. "Don't… don't come any closer." He waved the gun again but I noticed it was never aimed at me. _Ok, time for the negotiator to take over._

"Hello Telon," I nodded and closed my eyes for a moment, a move that, in my experience, put people at ease. If you don't show fear they are less likely to hold onto theirs. "My name is Kayla. This is Commander Shepard," I gestured to John with a smile, "and this is Garrus." The Turian gave the same nod I did and I continued. "We don't work with the mercs, we are here to help." Waiting was always the hard part, so many things could happen, go wrong. A merc could show up and blow it all to hell or one of his buddies could voice his mistrust and undo all my work. I held my smile and blinked slowly. _Easy buddy, calm…_

"I… alright." He breathed out and took his finger off the trigger, handing the gun to me. "Here. I… don't feel so-" and down he went. I stifled a giggle as I knelt next to him. When I saw his chest was still moving I nodded to John and stood as another Salarian rushed over to him.

"Telon!" He shouted as his hands roamed over his face and arms then looked up at us. "He's my brother. Good, he's alright." He looked at John. "Are you the ones who shot the merc?"

John looked over to where the Salarian gestured to see a man in the same armor as the last one we had a 'conversation' with and shook his head. "It wasn't us. Your brother didn't do it?"

"No, Telon was standing here with me," he insisted.

"What happened exactly?" John asked as he relaxed. I smirked. _He will learn to trust me eventually._

"The merc found us and shouted at us to move. We panicked and he shouted more. I thought he was going to kill us… then… his head just exploded! Telon picked up the merc's gun but we were afraid to leave. Then you showed up." He was definitely calmer than the others we'd encountered, I was grateful for that. I looked at John to see him glance at the bridge outside then back at the Salarian.

"How safe is that bridge out there?" he asked, gesturing toward the window.

"The bridge is stable but the wind's your _real_ problem. If _it_ doesn't throw you off the mercs will certainly try. There's a lot of them out there." Most likely encouraged by this one's clarity, John pressed him for info.

"We're looking for someone, probably the guy who killed this merc." The Salarian nodded.

"Telon thought he saw someone following us, but he's been a bit... on edge," he admitted. "But I haven't seen anyone but the mercs." John nodded and gestured to the window again.

"Is the bridge the only way to the penthouse in the other tower?" he asked. I could see the wheels in his head turning, concocting a plan. The Salarian confirmed our suspicions and reiterated the threat the mercs posed. John nodded and told him to get to safety. That was when his brother started to come around so he pulled him to his feet.

"Can we go home now?" Telon asked. I felt a pang in my chest as the two made their way to the elevator. _We saved them, at least._

A very bracing trip across what felt like a suspended bridge with no railing and people shooting at us wasn't enough, when we finally got to Nassana's office she was flanked by even more mercs. I shook my head.

"Jesus, they breed like bunnies," my voice went over the coms. Garrus' vibration and a huff from John told me they were thinking the same thing. As we approached the group the Asari I assumed was Nassana turned to face us.

"Wait," she held up a hand to signal the mercs to hold. "Before you kill me, just tell me who hired you." _Wow, you must be a real asshole if you can't pinpoint who wants you dead._

John stepped forward. "I'm not an assassin Nassana, but I _am_ looking for one." I noticed he'd put his gun away and gripped mine tighter as the Asari started toward him, practically snarling.

"You break in here and decimate my security just to find the person that's here to kill me? What are you playing at Shepard?" So caught up in her own speech, she didn't notice the rumble of movement above her head.

But her people did.

"What?!" Nassana demanded as another Asari standing next to her, fully armed and armored, tried to get her attention.

"I heard something," she insisted, seemingly confused. Nassana shook her head.

"Dammit, check the other entrances!" As the merc walked away she turned to us, pointing. "You… stay put." A flash of green behind one of the remaining mercs told me this was about to get interesting so I kept my gun pointed at the group and waited for him to strike.

And strike is _definitely_ the word I would use for what happened next.

As Nassana was uttering some kind of threat to John, Thane snapped the neck of one merc, punched another in the throat and shot the third in the chest, leaving Nassana for last. She spun around to figure out what was going on as he grabbed her arm, yanking her toward him to shove a gun into her abdomen.

I grinned like a little kid on Christmas.

When the pistol went off it was a quiet popping sound followed by Nassana slowly falling into Thane's arms. He cradled her head to keep it from falling back and rested her dying body on a nearby console, folding her arms over her chest and steepling his hands in…

Prayer?

His head bent down, he mumbled something to himself I could not hear. I was mesmerized by the scene, unable to stop staring until I saw John walking toward him out of the corner of my eye.

"I was hoping to talk to you," he said, prompting Garrus and I to put away our weapons and relax. Thane glanced up at him.

"I apologize, but prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken." His eyes down again, he returned to his quiet mumbling. John cocked his head to the side.

"Do you really think she deserves it?" he asked, obviously confused by Thane's act. The Drell, still looking down, creased his eyebrows momentarily as if in physical pain, then replied.

"Not for her. For me."

Something in the way he said that made my heart crack. What could this man have done that was so horrible to feel as if he needed forgiveness from his God for killing this _thing_ that called itself a person? This monster who slaughtered who knows how many innocent people in a few hours, made them so desperate that they jumped out of 100 story windows to avoid being mauled or _worse?_

 _That bitch didn't deserve to live, much less die as peacefully as she did._

"Thane," his name came out a little quieter than I expected but it got his attention, as well as John's and Garrus' who looked at me in surprise. The assassin looked up as he dropped his hands and smiled.

"Hello Kayla," his vibrato hummed through the room. I smiled back and nodded.

"It's good to see you again," I continued as I took off my helmet and stepped toward him. His stance was guarded but calm, as it was the night we met so I was confident it was safe to approach him.

"It is good to see you as well," he hummed as he met me halfway then stopped and cocked an eyebrow at me, "although, I am confused as to why." He turned to face John and continued.

"I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me," he said, nodding to Shepard. "Well... here I am."

Taking in the Drell as he stood facing Shepard I realized this was not he man I'd met almost two weeks ago. His face showed experience, dominance, maybe even a little bit of a challenge toward John. His shoulders were straight and his jaw jutted out just slightly but enough to give him a stern facade. _Well, this could end badly._ Luckily the Commander took it in stride and smiled pleasantly.

"I'd like to talk to you, but how did you know I was here?" His conversational tone lightened the tension in the room slightly and Thane seemed to accept it, if not allow it as he gave John a small smirk.

"Gunfire and explosions," he replied. "I prefer to work quietly. If I have to fight through guards I've made a mistake." He dropped the smirk and stood at parade rest, folding his hands behind his back to put weight behind his next words. "I rarely make mistakes." He then looked at me and a small smile returned. "You disrupted my plan but your distraction eventually proved valuable." He nodded his thanks which I returned.

"Glad we could help," I smiled, glancing at John. His expression had changed from conversational to…

Almost aggressive.

"Let's cut to the chase," he interjected, making Thane's head turn enough to see him out of the corner of his eye. "I need you for a mission."

Not moving, Thane replied, his voice stoic. "Indeed." _Is he doing what I think he's doing?_

"You're familiar with the Collectors?" John's question seemed to peak Thane's interest as he turned to face him again, his hands still folded behind his back. Then he turned to walk across the room, facing the window. _He is, he's provoking John. But why?_

"By reputation," he replied, still revealing nothing nothing of his interest. John's frustration threatened to bubble over as he folded his arms across his chest.

"They're abducting entire human colonies, Freedom's Progress was their handiwork." As the Commander's words sunk in Thane dropped his head, shaking it slightly.

"I see," he whispered.

"We're going after them." John's words sparked something in Thane as he whirled around, giving John a look of grim disbelief.

"Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega 4 Relay. No ship has ever returned from doing so." John smirked at Thane's response.

"They told me it was impossible to get to Ilos too."

"A fair point," Thane relented as John approached him. The Drell turned back to the window. "You've built a career on performing the impossible." I approached the men, standing on the other side of Thane from John and turning so I could see his face. He glanced at me then closed his eyes, a soft sigh escaping his lips.

"This was to be my last job." The silence in the room was deafening as we waited for him to continue. I knew whatever he was going to say would be insightful but I never expected…

"I'm dying."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Once Thane explained his illness and the fact that it was non-communicable he and John shook hands, the assassin officially joining the mission. He left to grab his things and told us he would meet us back at the ship so Garrus hitched us a ride back to the docks.

Back on the ship, the three of us met with Miranda and Jacob, giving them a debrief of the action.

"Damn, Kayla," Jacob blurted out as he looked at me in shock. "You have certainly come out of your shell. You ok after all that?" I smiled, a little embarrassed at the attention so I dropped my gaze to the console for a moment before responding.

"Yeah," I replied, glancing at John then looking Jacob in the eye. "I am." Apparently he didn't expect the simplistic answer so there was a small uncomfortable silence before John saved me.

"We'll brief Thane more thoroughly when he arrives, in the meantime I need to head down to the planet. Liara needs... " He stopped dead.

His gaze went straight to me and it became intense, as if he was carefully weighing his words. I didn't flinch, just stared right back at him, trying to see what was going on behind those blue eyes but he quickly looked away, glancing at Miranda.

"We need to thank our information broker for her assistance and pay her, I assume you hold the purse strings?" Miranda nodded and motioned for Jacob to follow as the three left the room without another word. Still looking at the place where he stood, I tried to ignore the giant knots that had formed unbidden in my stomach and throat. _Did he just...lie?_

"Before you go all negative..." Garrus' voice broke the silence. I looked at him, arching a brow as he held up one of his hands to stop me. "He brought back-up." He waited for that to sink in, which it did, but there were too many other voices in my head to let him have the only say in the matter.

"Miranda holds the purse strings… and yet he is _also_ going," I replied then shook my head. "Come on Garrus, give me some credit. Like I couldn't tell..." I took a breath and looked away. "Doesn't matter. It _shouldn't_ matter... No, it…" Squeezing my eyes shut, I laughed at myself, at how easily those silly words had fallen from my mouth. I shook my head then dragged a hand through my hair before looking up at the Turian, his face the picture of smugness. "You, sir, are an ass." We turned to leave the room as I heard his vibration of a laugh.

"Like I said, _made for eachother_."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Garrus had dragged me into the Weapons Locker under the guise of choosing a pistol to add to my gear but I knew he was just trying to distract me. I allowed it, feeling like a kid in a candy store with all the cool guns to pick from. I was drooling over the Phalanx as I ran my fingers over it.

"Oh I like very much," I said, looking over every detail of the rather elegant weapon. Picking it up, I aimed at the door leading to the CIC and hit the sight button. The laser was a bit jumpy but manageable.

"No surprise there," Garrus leaned back against the work table, crossing his arms. "The damage and accuracy are off the charts, plus it holds a decent amount of ammo so it's perfect for you." I pulled the weapon back to examine it yet again and looked up at Garrus, grinning like a maniac.

"Can I have it?" I asked, practically begging as I batted my eyelashes. His vibration told me yes and once he'd turned around to start cleaning up the table I let loose a little victory jump then quickly locked it away with my Revenant.

Realizing I hadn't seen John come through to drop his stuff off I looked at my omni tool and saw a few hours had passed since they'd left. I pulled my lips between my teeth to keep from saying anything but Garrus said it for me.

"It's been a while since they left, right?" he mumbled more to himself than me, pulling up his omni tool and plucking a few virtual keys. A tiny gasp from him had me crossing the room in a heartbeat.

It was a news feed showing the front of Liara's office, talking about an attempt on her life. Scanning through it I didn't see anything about John or the others being involved or injured but it didn't stop my imagination from running wild. I realized too late my breathing had sped up and so had Garrus. He closed the tool and took me by the shoulders.

"We know nothing," he stated flatly. I nodded but broke his hold, flying through the door to the CIC and heading straight for Joker. _No, but I'm going to find out._

"Where are they?" I asked as the pilot jumped, my tone startling him but brokering no hesitation. Reading my mind, he rapidly started punching keys in the air.

"Looks like they're in a car, moving-no, stopping in the Dracon Trade Center," he rapid-fired as he continued to work the virtual panel. "Not sure what- _shit!_ " He withdrew his hands like they'd been burned.

"Bringing up the video," EDI stated as a movie feed flashed into view in place of Joker's keyboard. My eyes were glued to the scene as my jaw dropped.

"What the-?"

It looked like a building had exploded, smoke and rubble everywhere. My heart jumped up into my throat.

"No," I breathed out, slowly backing away and out of the cockpit. Confirming no one was paying attention I turned and ran back to the Weapons Locker, grabbed my new pistol and snuck back up toward the crowd that had gathered. I watched the back of Garrus' head, waiting for him to turn around and look for me but he didn't. Finally sure he was distracted, I secured the Phalanx in the back waistband of my pants, opened the docking bay door and slipped out, making a run for the concierge.

 _Someone is going to tell me what the fuck is going on._


	14. Chapter 14

**_Thank you Amyress, my beta and encouragement._**

 ** _Thank you BJHanssen, my conscience and best critic._**

Careena was pleasant but not very helpful, she was just as disturbed by the situations as I was. I thanked her for her time and asked her for a cab to take me to the Dracon Trade Center. While I waited I saw a certain Drell walking toward me with a duffle bag flung across his back.

"Kayla," Thane greeted me with a pleasant look and a nod as he moved to walk past me and board the ship. He must have picked up on my tension because his face became serious as he dropped his bag and faced me. "What's wrong?" I didn't hesitate.

"John and two others from the crew left the ship to check in with an old friend of his," I began, taking a breath to focus. "A few hours later we discovered there was an attempt on this friend's life but no body was recovered. When John and the others went to another location, seemingly to locate her, the building exploded. That's the last I've heard so I'm waiting for a cab to take me to the scene." Realizing that every emotion I was feeling poured into each word I'd just said I dropped my arms to my sides and looked at Thane apologetically. He grasped my forearm and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"It's alright," he assured me, then bent over to dig through his bag. Retrieving a sniper rifle and a pistol, he strapped them to his person and tossed the bag onto the Normandy's platform. He then stood beside me again and clasped his hands behind his back.

"I'm with you."

By the time we arrived at the Trade Center John, Liara, and Miranda were climbing into a sky car, leaving Jacob behind. Panic took over and I bolted across the open-air platform, headed straight for them.

"John!" I shouted above the noise from the still-crumbling building, jumping over obstacles to get to him. About to shut the door his eyes shot to mine and widened.

"Kayla?" He started to get out of the car when Liara grabbed his arm.

"We have to go _now!_ " she practically growled, to which John shot her a nasty look. Shaking his head he looked back at me.

"Get back to the Normandy, I'll be there soon." I knew he was trying to sound reassuring as he slammed the door shut and took off like a rocket but it did nothing to stop my pounding heart. I skidded to a stop as I watched the small ship disappear. _Why did he leave? I can't protect him if I'm not with him!_ A hand on my shoulder broke my train of thought as I turned to see Jacob's brown eyes looking into mine, conveying understanding.

"Come on," he gestured to a transportation terminal. "Commander's orders." I watched him walk away but I was frozen to the spot. Confused, I ran a hand through my hair and stared at the ground. _Shit. What do I do now? There has to be something..._

The feeling was very new to me, control and focus had become old friends and to not have a direction was disorienting to say the least. And then it dawned on me, the one place where all of this confusion and tumult was coming from. Shaking my head, a small laugh escaped my lips.

I'd never been left behind before.

I was always at the front, always the one to make the difficult decisions, to bear the brunt and all of the blame but John had taken that away from me. He took the responsibility and shouldered it, accepted the burden and didn't think twice or even flinch. I'd never felt so lost around someone…

Or so in awe of them.

"Kayla, you comin'?" Jacob's voice traveled through the cloud that had surrounded me. I shot a look in his direction, seeing Thane had joined him, and gave them a nod. _Focus._

"On my way."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Waiting. Blech.

I was never good at waiting. Patience was not my strong suit and it didn't take long for everyone on the ship to figure that out. I paced the CIC. When I realized I was getting strange looks I moved to the mess. Got some stranger looks there, even a few sympathetic ones from Garrus so I went down into Engineering.

The long span of the walkway was perfect for my mindless striding and before I knew it I was out of breath. Coming to a stop by the elevator I huffed out in my frustration and ran my fingers through my hair, gripping it and tugging at the roots. _Argh, why do I feel so caged? So helpless?_

 _Because you love him._

The voice came unbidden, an involuntary response that burned through me to my very soul. _This can't be happening, it isn't happening!_ I pulled harder on my blonde mop, using the pain to help me focus when suddenly it all clicked.

My reaction to Garrus' assessment of our argument. How I avoided him afterward. My heart jumping into my throat when he finally cornered me to ask me to assist with an op…

And then the merc I almost killed.

All of those things alone would have made any dummy realize they were in love but not me. No, I was completely in denial, convincing myself I was keeping him at arm's length for his own good. My heart sunk down into the pit of my stomach.

 _And now you may never..._

A gravelly laugh came from one end of the hall and I dropped my hands to my sides, turning to face my audience.

"You have about as much patience for this shit as I do," Zaeed's crooked smile was genuine as he subtly gestured for me to join him. Grateful for the diversion, I breathed out a small laugh and shook my head.

"I can guarantee I am terrible company right now," I replied. He disappeared into his room for a moment then came back into view with a familiar looking bottle in hand, waving it at me.

"Something tells me this will _make you_ good company," he smirked and headed back in. Laughing, I walked down the hall and into the large room the aging merc had made his own.

The bottle was a bourbon I was familiar with, one of my favorites actually, and he poured each of us three fingers as we chatted. The memorabilia he'd scattered around the room drew my attention, each one with a story that he was happy to tell and honestly I was happy to listen. We were bent over an old Avenger when Joker interrupted us.

"Hey Kayla," he teased, "guess who's back." I breathed a sigh of relief as I turned to Zaeed.

"Thank you for the distraction," I smiled and nodded, handing him my empty glass and getting a nod and a smirk from him before heading for the door.

In the elevator I was tapping my foot and rubbing my fingers together. Suddenly I stopped, stomping a few times and shaking out my hands. _Since when do you let your nerves get the best of you, Reid. Cut the shit and focus._ I squeezed my eyes shut and took a long deep breath, exhaling the tension as the door opened to the CIC.

Not seeing John, I rounded the corner and and entered the weapons locker. No one was in there either so I moved to the Briefing Room. When I walked in everyone turned to look at me, halting the conversation.

John was at his usual spot at the opposite side of the room, Miranda to his left and Liara to his right. Jacob had joined them, looking over Miranda's shoulder at something on her omni tool. He looked up shortly after and saw everyone staring at me. Apparently unwilling to add to my embarrassment he refrained. _Well, this was not thought through at all._

"Apologies," I nodded to John, "I'm intruding. I'll speak with you later." I spun on my heel and calmly left the room. As the doors shut behind me I stood in the hall and berated myself.

I never could get the hierarchy of the Agency through my head. I always stepped on other people's toes and asserted myself into situations that were outside of my 'pay-grade', it would be pure ignorance to think this place and time would be any different. Annoyed with myself, I took a step to the left to go into the weapons locker when the door behind me opened and someone took my arm.

"Good, you didn't go far," John's voice whispered into my ear, raising the little hairs on the back of my neck as the door slid shut behind him. I turned quickly to face him, his hand still holding my arm gently. Looking up into his eyes I felt like my body was melting and adjusted my stance to be sure my legs wouldn't give out. His mouth moved but I didn't hear what he said, I was so mesmerized by those eyes, his proximity…

 _Is he wearing cologne?_

"Sorry, what?" I exhaled, finding it mildly difficult to breathe. He didn't move, didn't avert his eyes, he didn't even crack a grin at my obvious distraction. He just stared, his eyes seemingly locked on mine.

"I'm sorry I sent you away," he whispered. _WOW my heart is pounding! Breathe!_

"It's-no, it's... fine," I stumbled for words but still couldn't look away. I felt his chest brush against me and his breath on my face, both sensations sending a jolt through my body. His free hand brushed the hair away from my face then rested on my cheek.

"No," he shook his head slowly, never breaking eye contact. "No it's not. And once this mission is complete I will never do it again. I promise." My hands were on his chest, elbows bending ever so slightly to allow him closer. His head bent down and my heart broke into a run, closing my eyes in anticipation...

And then the door opened behind him.

An unfamiliar female voice let out a startled "Oh!" and my eyes popped open. John's face was a breath away, frustration slowly taking over his perfectly sculpted features as he rested his forehead on mine and let out a silent huff.

"Did you need something Liara?" His annoyance was barely contained but he managed to sound polite as he slowly slid his hand down my cheek, trailing his fingers down my neck then reluctantly dropping the appendage to his side. His eyes opened and caught mine, an apology and a promise lurking deep within them as he took a small step back.

"N-n-no, sorry!" she stuttered, rushing away and into Mordin's lab. I glanced at her retreating form. _At least she had the decency to be embarrassed._ Looking back up at John I saw a small smile gracing his lips. The moment passing and the shock wearing off, I couldn't help but let out a giggle prompting his smile to broaden.

"I can't win, can I?" he asked, releasing his grip on me to run his hand gently up and down my arm. I smiled shyly and cleared my throat. _Time to get off_ that _subject._

"So what are you all planning in there?" I asked, gesturing to the door he'd just come from. He glanced back at it and let out a strained breath.

"I'll fill you in later," he said, then looking back at me he forced a smile. "Right now I have to handle this." He stuck a thumb toward Mordin's door, shaking his head. I gave him a quick smile and lowered my gaze, turning toward the Locker door.

"Later then," I replied. Eager to get the hell out of there, the door opened in front of me so I moved to go through it... and bumped head first into Garrus. "Ow!" I cried, backing away and rubbing my head where we'd made contact. He took my chin and raised it, looking over the affected area thoughtfully.

"Eh, you'll live," he remarked with a smirk. Looking back and forth between John and I, his facade went from amusement to what I thought was suspicion as he dropped his talon to his side. "Did I interrupt something?" I coughed, surprise overtaking me for a moment before I started shaking my head.

"Not at all," John insisted, maybe a bit _too_ emphatically. I looked at the Turian closely. _Nope, not buying it._

"I need to borrow her," Garrus said, his amusement at the scene in front of him clear. "That is, if you are done with her." I felt the blush coming on, my whole face slowly turning beet red so I faced John, trying to hide it from the Turian. The Commander looked over at me and, seeing my expression, gave me the sweetest smile that made my heart do a little jump in my chest.

"I'll see you later," he said then turned to enter Mordin's lab, glancing back at Garrus. "All yours!" he said as the door closed. I shook my head at the door and turned to glare at Garrus.

"Seriously?" I asked. The Turian held up his hands in surrender and shook his head.

"How was I supposed to know you were making nice with the commander in the hall?" As I sputtered, starting to object he dropped his hands. "We'll talk about that later, right now I need to talk to you. In private." I could tell by the set of his mandibles whatever was on his mind it was serious. Dropping my protests for the moment, I nodded and gestured to the door behind him.

"After you."


	15. Chapter 15

_**In case you read the old version of the last chapter (I reposted it on 05/16) please skim the ending again to be sure you caught the change.**_

 _ **Thank you Miss Amyress for the encouragement and fact finding, it's always very helpful and informative!**_

 _ **Thanks to BJHanssen who, as always, helps to keep my writing on the up and up. As best he can anyway.**_ _**I'm a pain**_ **.** _ **:)**_

"Shit," I gasped, sitting cross legged on my bed facing Garrus at the bar. As he unfolded his story he glared at that damned tiled wall, unwilling or unable to look me in the eye. Curious as to why, I cocked an eyebrow at him. "You don't think it's somehow your fault, do you?"

A flash of something crossed his face before he shot an annoyed glance at me and took a long drink from his glass. "That bastard betrayed _all_ of us, and got good men killed," he responded heatedly. "What's that saying you humans have, an eye for an eye, a life for a life?" He turned to face me fully, the gleam in his eyes unmistakeable. "He owes me 10 lives and I plan to collect."

Still confused, I rubbed my face with my hands and exhaled, "But _why?_ Why did he betray the location of the base? Did they have something on him? Was it for money?"

Garrus' glare, if possible, became more intense. "It doesn't matter." The deadpan of his voice was almost chilling. I unfolded my legs and tried to stand, a stiffness in my spine forcing me to move slower than I liked. He noticed and gave me a concerned look. "You ok?" he asked as I rubbed my lower back with both hands, trying to relax the muscles enough to decompress my angry vertebrae.

"I don't know, my bones have been uncooperative all day. Shit, I feel like I'm 90." I bent over with a grunt to touch my toes, trying desperately to stretch when a spasm shot up my back, making me scream and sending me straight to the floor. Garrus flew to my side, trying to right me but my whimpers and screeches of agony must have made him give up.

White hot pain was the only way I could describe it. It blinded me until the wave passed but another was only seconds behind. I let out another scream and felt small hands on my face.

"Kayla?" I heard Dr. Chakwas whisper. "What's going on, how can I help?" I looked up at her briefly, the concern in her eyes obvious.

I shook my head and looked away, gritting my teeth and grunting, "I don't know."

I think I heard her whispering to someone as another spasm shot through me but I couldn't focus, the pain vibrating in my eyes and ears like the Liberty Bell was being rung right next to my head.

Clenching my teeth, I ground out an explanation, "I feel like my body is rejecting itself... Hot, like fire in my veins and my bones and my muscles are screaming!" I let out another howl then I heard Doc sigh with relief.

"We need to get her to the med bay," she instructed someone. I couldn't even open my eyes at that point, every muscle was clamped down tight. I felt Garrus' hard talons grab me under my arms and someone else take my legs.

"Hey, you're gonna be ok," Jacob's voice gently insisted as he and Garrus hauled me out of my room and into the med-bay, onto one of the gurneys. Sweat-soaked hair was stuck to my face as I struggled to stay as still as possible to let the machine do it's work. A cold hand on the side of my face shocked me enough to open my eyes.

Doc was smiling down at me, pity in her eyes. "I'm sedating you until I can figure this out."

Before I could object everything went black.

"What happened?" John asked, his arms crossed, brows furrowed and his forehead creased with worry as his eyes raked over Kayla's prone form. His mind immediately went to that dark place, expecting the worst. _She looks so… helpless._

Dr. Chakwas moved to stand beside him and looked down at the motionless figure in her care. "I can only speculate at this point, Shepard." She took a breath and continued. "From the readings I _think_ her dna is taking over fully. Here, look at her hands." She took one in her own and turned it over. "It's only been a few hours but they are smaller now, the fingers more petite. And there's her height." She released the extremity and touched the screen that kept track of Kayla's vitals and anatomy. "She's almost an inch _taller_. Her waist slimmer but her hips widening… Look at her face!" The older woman shook her head, crossed her arms and looked back down at the wonder before her. "I am way out of my element here."

John shook his head and sighed, moving closer to get a better look at Kayla's facade. Her cheek bones were higher, more prominent, and her face seemed longer, more oval. His heart did a little jump. _Beautiful._ Swallowing it back down, he cleared his throat and reigned himself in. "You and me both, Doc. Keep me posted." The woman nodded and Shepard quickly left the room.

Stopping just outside the med-bay, he felt the panic swelling. He sighed and gave his face a good scrubbing with both hands. _She's alive, take what you can get._

"Shepard," Miranda approached him with a nod. "Do you have a minute? I'd like to discuss the remaining recruits."

John could feel his blood pressure go up, the Cerberus exec's complete lack of compassion for the woman barely clinging to life in the med-bay was threatening to push him over the edge. Luckily for her his training kicked in and professionalism took over. "Yeah, give me 30. I need a shower." _Cool off, it's not her fault._

When Miranda nodded and walked away John turned toward the elevator but gave the med-bay door one more look. He felt his heart jump up into his throat. His jaw clenched, he swallowed it back down hard in defiance. _Don't you dare die on me._

"Shepard," Garrus' voice startled him, his eyes shooting over to see his old friend approach. The Turian then gestured to the door the Commander had just exited. "How is she?"

The concern in his voice touched John, making him glad to know there was someone else on the ship that cared about her. "She's stable for the moment," Shepard responded, the panic settling itself deep in his gut. He pushed it down further, unwilling to let it loose. "Dr. Chakwas is monitoring her closely."

Garrus turned to look at the door. "I heard that people in comas can hear what's going on around them, feel things, know if someone is there..." He paused thoughtfully then seemed to make a decision as he nodded. "Yeah, I'm gonna sit with her, just in case. Unless you need me for anything?" Garrus turned to face his human friend, questioning.

John instantly felt a pang of guilt. Here he was running away as fast as he could to avoid feeling anything and here was Garrus running straight into the med-bay in hopes of giving her some small amount of comfort. _I am such an ass._ "No, go ahead. I'm gonna shower then meet with Miranda on our next move." Shepard turned to stare at that door again. _No, I can't. Not yet._ "I'll check in with you later." And with a nod he was on the elevator heading up to his quarters.

Shepard tried to steady his breathing, slow in, hold then slow out trying to calm his anxiety. Just when he thought it may take over something popped into his head. _She's too damned stubborn to let this take her out._ Feeling a smile come across his lips, he huffed out a chuckle and exited the elevator, walking into his room and letting the small hope settle in.

 _She'll get through it. She's a survivor._

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The corridor was quiet and dark as John made his way to the med-bay. Two recruitments and a few injuries later it had been almost two weeks since Kayla fell ill. He had spoken to Garrus on several occasions but the Turian could not provide anything encouraging. He'd even sat with her a few times when Chakwas needed a break, telling her about Jack and the Krogan they'd picked up but it didn't ease the guilt.

He was getting antsy and guilt once again forced his legs to carry him to the door of her prison. Just before reaching it, he froze. _What am I doing here? It's the middle of the third shift for Christ's sake, Chakwas isn't even in there to answer any questions. What am I going to do, sit there and stare at her? That's not creepy at all._ He shook his head and took a deep breath, resting his forehead on the cold metal in front of him. _Shit. Why the hell do I feel so nervous?_

 _You're not nervous, you're helpless._

An obvious observation and yet he still fought admitting it. He was a soldier, a fighter, a leader. He was never _helpless!_

Except when it came to her.

He remembered the first moment he laid eyes on her. She was on the floor, battered and bruised but ready to fight bare handed if need-be to survive. The fear in her eyes as she scurried away from him was almost intimidating, the intensity behind them screaming ' _Do not fuck with me, I_ will _kill you'_ louder than all of the explosions going on around them.

Yet she still let him put his arms around her and lift her to her feet. Once she was steady he let go and had to swallow his heart back down, the vulnerability and fire she revealed to him was so raw and unhindered by pride or appearances he was in awe. There she was, laid bare and she didn't even flinch. It was completely and utterly her and it took his breath away.

And they worked well together. He hadn't said a word but she moved as if reading his mind, collecting supplies and searching for other survivors right alongside him. He didn't even have to look around to be sure where she was, he just knew. It was almost as if he could feel her, even sense her presence.

In the shuttle he couldn't stop himself from protecting her when Miranda started her shit. He'd saved her; well, she _let him_ save her and he'd be damned if he was going to let her be strung up by a Cerberus lackey. Especially with _their_ reputation, Cerberus had zero moral high-ground to stand on as far as he was concerned.

Back in the present, he tried without success to swallow his heart back down and raised his head back up, coming eye to eye with that door again. A heavy sigh escaped his lips. _How did I not see this before?_

He should have at least seen it _coming_. He'd seen it with Liara but he was looking for it, as flirtatiously shy as she was, he knew she was attracted to him from the beginning. However with Kayla it was different. Strong and fast, like a punch to the gut that knocks the wind out of you. _Just like her,_ he smiled softly. Her expressions, her body language, he knew it all by heart and could even predict it most times. He knew that even with her own limbs and features he would still recognize her anywhere just by the way she moved.

Pressing his palm flat against the door, he closed his eyes. The stress was building and he knew he had to let it out or it would consume him. Taking a deep breath he exhaled, and with that he let loose all of his emotions, letting them flow through him for the first time in a long time. Fear, anger, desperation, helplessness, love…

 _Love?_ His eyes popped open as the word jumped to the front of his mind. _Really? It's been what, a few months, and already that word is surfacing?_ His hands scrubbed his face, trying to clear his head but the thoughts wouldn't leave him. _What the fuck did Cerberus do to you? Turn you into a lovesick puppy?_ Dropping his hands to his sides, anger took over. An anger directed completely at himself for not maintaining the discipline and control he trained for many years to wield.

 _Space._ He clenched his teeth and walked back over to the elevator. _I just need some space. Time to think. Breathe..._

But he stopped, as if some invisible force grabbed his ankles, anchoring him to the spot. He closed his eyes, all he could see were her light-blue orbs and his heart swelled. He realized in that moment how much she really meant to him, and not just for her utility. She was strong, independent, focused, vigilant, fiercely protective, intelligent, funny, great with a firearm and downright sexy in armor.

Slowly his eyes opened and he made the decision. "You've had _plenty_ of space for the last two weeks," he spoke into the air, swallowing the pride that had bubbled up and turning back toward the med-bay door. "Time to own it."


	16. Chapter 16

_**Thank you Miss Amyress for all of your help, I honestly don't know how you put up with me.**_

 _ **Thank you BJHanssen, for your assistance, encouragement and your criticism. ALWAYS appreciated!**_

 _ **Seabo76, welcome back! I have to disappoint this chapter but I promise to make up for it in the next.**_

A breath in, a breath out. Another breath in, and out again. No pain. _That's… encouraging._ I inhaled deeper, hearing and feeling the air move through my nostrils and into my lungs. Holding it a moment, I pushed it back out through my mouth, hearing the wooshing sound as it passed through my lips. A small smile crept over them as I slowly opened my eyes.

I was surrounded by the scanner, the top covered in a metal apparatus that I assumed was the mechanics of it and the sides transparent. Turning my head, I felt the stiffness in my muscles and joints resisting but I pushed until I saw a person sitting in a chair next to my makeshift tomb. My heart swelled.

"John." It came out a whisper but disturbed the sleeping form enough to open his eyes. Drowsily he fought to focus on my face and when he did his expression became shock mixed with something intense, something I couldn't pin down. He leaned forward, placing a hand on the barrier between us and giving me a soft yet brilliant smile that took my breath away. I tried to raise my hand to meet his but white-hot pain shot down my arm before I could, forcing a hiss through my teeth as I clamped my jaw tight to keep from screaming. The beeping of buttons being pushed on the machine above me signaled something was going on, but what?

I looked over at John again and saw he was standing next to Doc, the two whispering heatedly, apparently arguing. John shook his head but Karen grabbed him by the shoulders and gave him a shake, insisting she was right. He must have relented because she returned to the screen to enter more data. John looked down at me and gave me his attempt at a reassuring smile.

"I won't lie, this is going to hurt," he admitted, "but it will bring your nervous system back online, fully operational. Your muscles and the rest will take a little time but we can deal with all that later. Right now the most important thing is to make sure your nerves are properly connected to each other and to your brain." He winced, looking at Chakwas one more time before nodding at me. "Ready?"

I laughed, though scared out of my mind, "It's gonna feel like a thousand volts going through my body, isn't it?" I saw the worry in his eyes as his jaw clenched and took that as a yes. Nodding my head, I took a deep breath and looked back up at the thing that was going to essentially electrocute me.

"Do it."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I woke to a tapping sound coming from my left, the same direction I had found John slumbering in that chair. Noticing I was exposed to open air, I took a deep breath and let out an audible sigh.

"Must you?" I croaked. I turned to see Garrus in the chair, tapping his talon on a datapad he was working on. His eyes immediately flew to me and his face slowly followed.

"It woke you up, didn't it?" he smirked, dropping the pad on a nearby table before standing. Two steps and he was leaning over me, taking my hand in his talon and brushing his 'lips' across my forehead. Rearing back, he held my eyes with his for a few moments then sighed. "Good to have you back, Kayla."

I smiled uncomfortably at the name but replied politely, "Thanks Garrus." He gave me a confused look and I shook my head. "I think her name is getting to me. I really need to figure something else out." Pulling the chair closer to my bedside, he sat back down and smiled.

"I'm sure I could come up with a few names for you," his smirk returned, his vibration full of humor. "Like - "

My hand flew up to stop him. "Garrus, don't," I giggled but the laugh turned into a cough, one I was unable to stop. I rolled over onto my side to keep myself from choking when I felt large hands on my shoulders, pulling me upright.

"Here," John's voice whispered in my ear, "drink this." I felt hard plastic on my bottom lip and opened my mouth, letting the cool liquid run down my throat. I took a few swallows and nodded, catching my breath as he put the cup down behind me. "Better?'

I nodded, glancing at Garrus. "Just tell the Turian to keep the jokes to a minimum." They both smiled and nodded.

"I can take a hint," Garrus said, picking the datapad back up and saluting toward me with it. "I will see _you_ later, miss." And with that he walked out the door.

Shaking my head, I looked around for Doctor Chakwas. "Where's Karen?" John moved around the table to stand beside my dangling legs. Sitting down next to me, he took one of my hands in his, turning it over and over as if examining it.

"She's on the Citadel," he said, still looking over my hand, "we're docked there." Apparently satisfied, he released it and looked up into my eyes.

I waited for an explanation, a reason we were there or some small talk to pass the time but he was silent. He just stared at my face and into my eyes. Feeling my heart pound in my ears, I laughed and shook my head, breaking the silence.

"The Citadel," I forced the words out and took a breath. "Isn't that where your Ambassador friend is?" Never taking his eyes off mine, he smiled and nodded.

"I was hoping you were feeling better, I wanted to take you on a tour." He eventually broke eye contact, looking back down at my hand in my lap.

Finally curiosity got the better of me, "OK, why are you staring at me like that?"

His eyes met mine again, confusion behind them then understanding. "You don't know…"

"Know _what_ exactly?" I could feel the frustration bubbling up but I tried to keep it contained as I waited for a response. When I was met with more silence it dawned on me that I didn't know how much time had passed. "John," I spoke slowly and carefully, "how long have I been out?"

I could tell he was uncomfortable with the question which meant I probably wasn't going to like the answer. Adjusting my seating position I took a breath to calm myself and tried to smile as I nodded for him to speak.

He shook his head and sighed, "Almost a month, but Kay-" he stopped himself, then continued, "but that's not the most unbelievable part." He stood up and made his way to the desk, grabbing something off of it and coming back over to stand next to me. He held out the object, a mirror, but when I went to take it he held tight.

"John?" I cocked my eyebrow at him but his expression remained full of warning.

"You should know, you don't look the same." His expression went blank as he released the mirror.

I looked down and held tight to it but didn't bring it to my face. The mirror, the cryptic wording, his features becoming vacant, the whole thing set me on edge.

"What does that even mean?" I spat, still looking down at the mirror now resting in my lap, face down. Terrified, I couldn't bring myself to look back up at him but his hand found my chin, pulling it upward to see the sympathy in his eyes.

"Doc said she thinks your DNA took over," he explained, "so she thinks you look like the old you now. But we don't know for sure since we don't know what the old you looked like so…" he gently took the mirror from my grasp and held it up to my face.

Slowly I allowed my eyes to wander toward the looking glass, taking in each detail as meticulously as possible. I still had the blonde hair but my roots had started to grow in the dark auburn I'd inherited from my mother. The skin on my face had darkened slightly and my cheekbones were more defined, displaying the twice-removed Native American heritage of my father. My nose was long and straight, chin and jawline more prominent, my lips fuller, more pink than pale…

When I eventually worked up the nerve to look at my face in its entirety I closed my eyes and held up the mirror. When I opened them I couldn't help but smile.

"It's me," I whispered, unable to tear my eyes away for fear of it being a dream. I moved the mirror up and down, right and left to get every angle possible into view. The size of my ear lobes, the slant of my hairline, everything was as I remembered. My eyes roamed over my hands then down my arms, obsessing over every inch. "No scars… but…" Curious as to how much of me there really was, I grasped the right side of my shirt, lifting it slightly to see a dark spot in the shape of an eye had formed on my skin. I smirked in slight dismay. "Figures."

John tilted his head to see what I was looking at. I looked up to see his face the picture of curiosity as he ran two fingers over my birthmark. His lips parted as his eyes remained fixed on the exposed skin. He visibly swallowed and withdrew his hand, looking away rather abruptly. Lowering the shirt, I smiled shyly and cleared my throat.

"So... " I drawled out, trying to think of how to word my next question. _Do you think I'm pretty isn't exactly eloquent._ I glanced down at the mirror in my hand then looked back up at John. His eyes turned toward me again and he attentively scanned my face. _SHIT this is not going to be easy._ "What do you think?" The words just tumbled from my mouth so I followed them up with a brilliant smile.

He let out a relieved laugh, "I think..." He hesitated then sat back slightly, rubbing his chin in mock thought. I gave him a playful sneer and a slap on the arm which brought back the smile I adored. "I think you look great."

 _Great? Great. GREAT._ I held my expression but my eyes must have given away my disappointment with his response because his eyes turned worried as he brought his hand up to cup my cheek. Trying to back-pedal, I rolled my eyes and smirked.

"Great, huh?" I let out a small laugh and eventually locked eyes with him again.

The worry had been replaced with a determination, a _heated_ determination that was backed up by something that literally smoldered behind his eyes. It was so intense it made me uncomfortable but in the best possible way, making it hard to breathe and focusing on anything other than his eyes was utterly impossible. I realized my lips had parted so I quickly clamped them shut and swallowed, trying to hide behind my 'pleasant' mask.

Unsuccessfully I was pretty sure.

"Actually, to be honest…" he looked over my features once more then brought his eyes back to mine. "You are beautiful." I couldn't stop the relieved gasp that escaped my lips so I tried to cover it up with laughter, badly. Still holding my cheek, he smoothed his thumb over my cheekbone and steadily held my gaze. The laughter faded and I found myself lost in those amazing blue eyes again...

"Commander... _Shepard_ , I don't know, whatever your title is now," Joker interjected, seemingly unaware of his interruption, "Ambassador Anderson wanted to know if you took care of the details he needed for Kayla's identity." I huffed in frustration as did John but he held it together as always.

"Working on it now, tell him to expect it shortly." John grudgingly released my cheek and opened his omni tool. "I need a picture of you and I'll need a name to go with it." He continued to type something then aimed his arm at me. "Smile."

My hands flew up to block my face as I shrieked, "HELL to the NO! I just woke up and you want to take my picture?" A few moments later when I was sure he wasn't going to take the shot I dropped my hands to rest on my thighs and shook my head, giving him my best angry face. "Nuh-uh mister."

He lowered his arm and sighed, "What, you want some make-up or something?".

I caught the teasing in his voice so I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Can you _see_ my hair? It looks like I've been to a bad stylist and not lately. No, I need a way to get my hair back to its natural color. EDI?"

"There is a stylist on the Citadel that will board the Normandy to perform the service she is asking for, Shepard." Her succinct tone was softening but still was undeniably mechanical. "Would you like me to make an appointment?" John looked at me questioningly to which I nodded, as did he.

"Yes please, EDI, as soon as possible," he replied as he looked back down at his omni tool. "Now, last but not least…" He took a breath then looked back up at me. "I need a name. I heard you tell Garrus you were uncomfortable with Kayla so…" he waved his hand to indicate I should speak but for the first time in a long time I wasn't sure what to say.

I couldn't very well give him my real name, nor any of my aliases. At this point in time all of them most likely could be linked back to me if someone dug deep enough. I couldn't use any family members, again, link. Looking at the man in front of me, the man I've trusted basically with my life for the last few months, I made a decision.

"You pick," I nodded. He gave me a disbelieving look but I nodded again. "I trust you, you pick and tell me what it is. First and last name, come on, what name do you think suits me best?" He lowered his arms to rest on his thighs and looked at me long and hard.

"You're sure?" He couldn't hide the surprise in his voice and it made me giggle.

" _Yes_ , now choose something! I need to know it too, you know." I reached over and gave his bicep a squeeze, regretting it only slightly when I lost control over my expression for a moment. _Holy hell he has some arms._

He gave me a knowing smirk, "Ok. How about…" The longer he looked at me the harder it was to hold my facade. A smile slowly crept over my face and suddenly his eyebrows shot up. Just then his eyes softened and his expression became unreadable but pleasant. As he took my hand in his my stomach did a tiny back flip.

"How do you feel about Samantha?"


	17. Chapter 17

_**I noticed there are some guesses out there as to who my character is. I forgot to put characters in my story's summary so it's my fault but I've since corrected my mistake. I hope I don't lose any readers over it!**_

 _ **Thanks as always to Amyress who encourages me even when I hate myself.**_

 _ **And thanks to BJ Hanssen who manages to reel me in with my comma usage and excessively long paragraphs. I'm just glad that is now the worst of my issues. :D**_

 _ **And everyone who reviews, thank you so much for reading and telling me what you think! I enjoy every single one. :)**_

"Wha…" was all I could manage to breathe out. _Samantha? How the FUCK does he know? I said nothing, how the-Wait._

 _Does he actually_ know _?_

His expression went from pleasant to disappointed, almost suspicious, "You don't like it." _PHEW! He doesn't know! Ok, now cover, quick!_

"I-no I do-I like it fine, I just…" realizing I was going into full-on panic, I took a slow breath to buy time to think. _Got it._ "One of my aliases was Samantha. It just took me off guard that you would pick that name." Flashing him what I called my 'killer smile' I realized that was probably the worst lie I have ever told but he let me have it…

It was obvious, however, he was _not fooled._

His pleasant demeanor returned and he continued to look at me, "So are you good with it?"

I nodded, "Yeah, sure." Watching him type into his Omni-tool, I suddenly became infatuated with his hands.

Over all they were large, probably twice the size of mine but I had a size 5 ring finger so not a good comparison. His fingers were long and elegant, perfectly proportioned with his palm while his fingernails were cut short and perfectly clean. I had to admit, I was not a hand type of girl but his were downright sexy. I couldn't believe I didn't notice when we were out to dinner, him holding a wine glass and likely making said glass look good.

 _I wonder what they would look like holding my-_

"Last name?" My eyes flew up to meet his, startled by his interruption of my slowly declining train of thought.

I bit my lower lip and lowered my eyes, embarrassed by what he didn't realize he'd caught me thinking but suddenly feeling a bit reckless. _Why not?_

"Know any good porn names?" I stared at him playfully, waiting for him to either sputter or play along. His eyes lowered to watch my lip as I gently tugged on it with my teeth then looked back up at mine.

His looked like they'd turned an electric-blue.

"Don't tease," he breathed out, his face getting just a hint closer. "I _always_ come back."

That song by Hozier jumped into my head, the one that has the line 'Honey don't feed me, I will come back.'…

And it just fueled the fire slowly growing in my gut.

I stared at him, no, I _glared_ at him, daring him to make a move. It was like a game of strip chess to the nth degree, all we were missing were clothes strewn all over the room and blood red lipstick smeared up one side of his neck.

 _WOW that is such an incredibly perfect mental image…_

" _Last name,"_ he insisted, harshly almost as he released my hand. The edge in his tone along with his withdrawal startled me and my eyes went wide. _Wait, what the hell just happened?_

"Am I interrupting?" A hum-like voice came from the entrance to the med bay. We both turned to see Thane standing in the open doorway. Leaning on the frame, I could sense he was trying to seem casual as he looked me straight in the eye. "Dr. Chakwas asked me to look in on you while she was gone, how are you feeling?"

I smiled warmly at him and shook my head, "Please, it's fine, come in." Unsure as to where our conversation stood I looked back at John. His expression was closed off, emotionless, and I realized there was no getting through to him with Thane in the room. _I should just give him an answer, but what to say? Eh, what the hell, he already has my first name. Maiden name or married name? Hmmm…_ "Last name can be… Reid." He nodded, typed it in and got up from the table.

"Alright, I'll set everything up and let you know," John's tone was clipped and professional as he marched out of the room, giving Thane a nod and a friendly grin as he left. I stared after him, my lips parted in surprise.

"I _did_ interrupt," Thane sighed as he moved to stand across from me. "I apologize."

I put up a hand and shook my head, "No, it's fine, it was doomed from the start." Looking back down at the hand John held I shook my head again, but this time at myself. "Like a great many things in my life." I felt the Drell sit down beside me as I looked up at him.

"You mustn't allow a small defeat to dictate how you move forward," he murmured, "especially when it comes to personal relationships." He looked down at the 'offending' hand then back up at me. "You know better than most how quickly people can change."

I narrowed my eyes at him, searching his features for clues as to what he was thinking. "Do I?" I asked softly.

A hint of a smile crossed his lips, "You are a hunter, your instincts serve you well when confronted by strangers." He let the words hang between us, as if waiting for me to catch on to whatever hint he'd thrown my way. Then it hit me. _Shit, he knows._

 _No sense hiding it now._

"You picked up on that, huh?" I smiled and looked away, off into a distance that did not exist. "Not that _all_ of my ops were marks but…" _Ugh, woman, stop sharing!_ I shook my head then immediately nodded. "I like hunter better than _assassin_. Was it that obvious?"

"To the trained eye, it was subtle but there," he admitted, "Others will not notice the nuances."

I smiled and looked back at him, "Like your stance when we met."

He nodded, "One assassin will always recognize another. No matter how hard they try to hide it, their body language will always give them away." He was pensive for a moment then took a breath. "You are in conflict, can I help?"

I chuckled, "Oh Thane, I am so far beyond help." I shook my head and looked back down at my hands. "Besides, you don't need to sit here and listen to my ridiculously trivial problems. There are far more important things going on in the galaxy."

"I disagree," he stated, the vibration in his monotone changing just slightly. I looked up at him curiously and his expression became guarded. "Forgive me. It has been a long time since I have felt a connection to anyone and with our similar pasts…" He stopped, thinking, then nodded. "When we last met you stated that you wanted to be 'friends'." He blinked, as if expecting me to respond. Realizing the situation wasn't easy for him I tried to lighten the mood, shooting him a playful glare.

"Throwing my own words back at me, huh Krios?" I asked, lowering my voice ever so slightly. My eyes rolled and I sighed. "Yes, I did say that and I meant it."

His sigh seemed to be one of relief. "Then tell me what is on your mind," he sat back slightly and rested an elbow on his knee in expectation.

I nodded and exhaled, "Alright, but it isn't pretty." One side of his lips tilted up.

"What _true_ story is?"

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"I've always found Polytheism far more romantic," I said as I reached for another piece of what the cook was calling 'french fries'. I knew damned well they weren't made from potatoes but they were good nonetheless. "And believable. Who would think that one deity could handle the responsibility of an entire race?"

"Agreed," Thane responded, sitting back in his chair at the rec room table across from me, "and not just because it's personal." A small smile crept across his face when the elevator door opened.

Garrus made his way over to us. "Nice to see you out of the med bay, _Samantha_ ," he smirked as he took the chair next to me.

I rolled my eyes, "Nice to _be_ out of the med bay, _Garrus_. How's it going on the Citadel?"

The Turian nodded, "Good, lots of _intel_." Holding his smirk I saw his blue eyes twitch slightly, telling me there was more to the story. Thane must have spotted it too because he stood, stretching out his lean extremities.

"I should go, I've messages from some old contacts to go through." He walked around the table and stopped next to me. "We will continue our conversation later." Seeing the intensity in his eyes, I realized he caught on to my intentional deflection.

The conversation had quickly turned from John and I to my past. He didn't ask for specifics but the information just flowed from me, as if I was chatting with an old friend. I told him I had been married and that he'd passed, before I knew it we were knee-deep in a conversation about time travel and I realized I'd crossed the line so I started asking questions about him.

He admitted to having lost someone as well and how it drove him to do things he'd never thought he was capable of. We commiserated. My participation in the program that brought me to the Normandy being my own version of suicide, I never thought I was capable of anything like that.

Once he opened up other things were easy, going from that to his childhood (which was a conversation in itself) and then onto religion felt completely natural. And it passed the time, at one point I looked up and saw almost three hours had gone by.

Feigning innocence, I gave him my best wide-eyed look, "Whatever do you mean?" Then I gave him a wink and a smile. "I look forward to it." He nodded to me then to Garrus and left so I looked back at the new arrival. "Want a drink?"

He smiled and nodded. "Thought you'd never ask."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"So this 'Fade' is going to just tell us where he stashed Sidonis?" I asked with a heavy dose of skepticism. "Mercs like that don't make money if their charges are _found_."

Sitting next to me at the bar in my room, Garrus gave me a calculating grin, "Maybe not, but I'll enjoy getting it out of him."

A small knot started forming in my gut. The memory of what it was like to feel that kind of anger, that kind of _betrayal_ , crept into the back of my mind. Rolling it around in my head, I was second-guessing offering him my assistance but he was my friend. I couldn't leave him to handle the situation alone.

 _Look what almost happened when you went after_ yours _alone._

I sighed, wanting to be sure I chose my words carefully. Looking into his eyes I could feel his pain; without laying a finger on him, Sidonis' treason had shoved a dagger into the deepest part of Garrus' soul. I shook my head to clear it, spinning around on the stool to let my eyes drift to the window full of stars.

 _I can't let him go unprepared._

"One of my first semi-independent ops was a hostage extraction, five people," I said as I stood, drawn to the window. Standing next to it, I crossed my arms with a sigh. "I had to get them out and to a safe house until a plan was formulated to get them out of the country. With part 1 I succeeded, got them all out unharmed and to the safe house without a hitch. Only had to kill maybe 8 of the rebel group's men along the way.

"Not being familiar with the language or customs, my handler got a local to help, a guy named Sayid. He'd been used in the past, his job was to deter visitors to the safe house and run errands. He mostly shopped for supplies and listened, reporting back any interesting gossip or news. Keeping to himself, he spoke to his sister on the phone and played solitaire while I tended to the hostages. He would go home at night to avoid suspicion, his sister lived with him so it kept up appearances.

"Then one day he called my handler, said he didn't feel well and couldn't come by. My handler got in touch with me and my first thought was to move my charges. It was a change in routine and therefore a threat. He refused, said he wasn't worried and I was just being my 'usual paranoid self'. Besides, moving them would expose them and he wasn't willing to take the chance.

"Low on food, I wrapped up my head in a scarf and decided to go to the closest market. One of the younger girls, Erica, had offered to go since she spoke the language but it was too risky, ya know? If for some reason someone removed the scarf she was sure to be recognized, their faces being all over the news, and I wasn't willing to take the chance. Nice kid…"

I swallowed and took a breath, trying to steady myself but my voice still came out a whisper, "I was gone maybe an hour…" My voice left me. Even after all the time that had passed I had to swallow my heart back down as the scene played out in my mind.

 _ **Undisclosed location, Middle East, 2019**_

 _The door had been kicked in and the lock shot off so I slowly set down the bags and pushed it open with one hand as I pulled out my Px4 with the other, quietly chambering a shot and maneuvering into the main room. Gun at the ready, my eyes and ears scanned as I continued, seeking out any movement as I made my way deeper into the house. Nothing, not a sound nor a soul crossed my path. I took a slow breath to hold my focus and rounded the corner leading to the hall where the bedrooms were._

 _The first smear of blood was on the wall about waist height, telling me the person was short since there was no body yet to be seen. A brief image of Erica's face popped into my head but I brushed it aside as I pushed further down the hall. More blood, same height, was visible on the opposite wall with others of varying heights._

 _The first few doors were open so I checked each room, ensuring it was clear before moving on. Approaching the fifth and final room, the door was shut so I scanned the area, spotting what I had desperately hoped not to find._

 _A deep red liquid stained the carpet in a pattern that suggested it had flowed outward from under the closed door._ Fuck, _I thought as I leaned over and put an ear up to it. No movement, not a sound so I backed up flush against it and slammed backward hard with the heel of my right foot. It flew open, smacking into the wall as I shoved my gun into the room, ready to shoot any intruder inside._

 _What I saw would be burned into my memory for all time._

 _The bodies were piled in the middle of the room, all on top of one another, as if stacking up wood for a bonfire. The blood that had seeped under the door had come from the corner behind it. I could only guess they had killed the hostages there before tossing them aside_. Questioning them, perhaps? _The agent in me tried to speak up but the human in me dragged my eyes back to the mound of bodies, innocents who had probably been questioned, tortured, then killed in the 60 minutes I had been gone. The 60 minutes I had left them vulnerable..._

I abandoned them.

 _I shook my head, pulled out my burner phone and called my handler. He cursed under his breath and there was a long pause before he kicked into agent mode, asking me all the pertinent questions. Finally stating he was sending a team, he ordered me to wait for them._

 _When I hung up I tried to identify the bodies. Quickly I realized I couldn't recognize all of them. Choking a little on the smell as well as the sight, I decided to count them instead. I found six in all and, unable to stand it anymore, I left before the team arrived._

 _Wrapped up in the scarf, it was easy for me to get out of the city and on the road. I immediately ditched the burner phone and obtained a new one a few days later before getting a hotel room and finally deciding to get some rest._

 _I had managed to get about 120 miles away from the scene but couldn't get it out of my head. Showered and clad in the hotel's complimentary bathrobe, I sat on the bed and stared at the burner, debating whether or not to call in._

If you make the call, you know they'll just put you on some other stupid-ass, bullshit assignment to try to get your mind off this one. _Or_ they'll put you on leave again. _I shook my head, deciding against it for the moment._ Ok, then what now?

 _Erica's face popped into my head, bringing back the overwhelming guilt and the memory of corpses piled up in the middle of a blood-soaked room. Anger pooled in my stomach and I grit my teeth, a growl from deep in my chest clawing at my throat to be released._

What the fuck happened?!

 _I ran through the events of the day and Sayid not showing up leapt to the forefront of my mind. Clenching my fists, I deduced he was the traitor and anger took over while reason tried to stay focused._ He did this, he told them where they were. He told them I'd have to leave. They must have been watching the house, just waiting for their opportunity…

But wait, _I_ was the one who _left_.

 _As the anger slowly abated a profound sense of guilt settled in,_ a guilt _so intense tears welled in my eyes. I clutched at my gut._ It was _my_ fault. _As that sunk in I cried harder, allowing my body to slowly fall sideways onto the bed. I lay there sobbing, taking all the blame on myself._ I should have stayed, I should have listened to my gut and fucking _moved them!_ Those people would probably be alive right now if I had just listened to my instincts…

 _I had no idea how long I lay there, the comforter soaked through with my tears. My insides felt like they were revolting, my stomach having relieved itself of its contents at some point on the floor._ What the hell am I doing? Why did they choose me for this? My training…

Wait. My training.

 _Pulling up the memories of some of the lessons on resisting torture, I dug deep down and, finding the pain, I pushed it aside. That done I took a few slow, deep breaths to focus._

 _Suddenly the guilt subsided, giving way to a numbness I had not felt before. Relieved, I wiped the tears from my face and pulled myself upright, grabbing a tissue to wipe my nose. I rose up off the bed and wandered into the bathroom, splashing some cold water on my face and looking in the mirror. My eyes and face were red, but appeared calm. Scanning the rest of my body, I noticed all of the pain in my stomach had left as well._

 _Not only was the pain gone but I was able to think clearly, so I took advantage, trying to put everything into perspective._ Logic would dictate that my instincts said to move because of Sayid, _I thought,_ he is the traitor and therefore the only one to blame for this.

 _A strange kind of lucidity came over me, one that was calculating and potentially brutal. One that would help me get justice for those innocent people and vengeance for my tortured soul._

 _One thought repeated over and over again in my mind... the one thought that truly mattered. With everything else that was going on in the world, in my mind the deaths of those people was the one thing that I could do something about. So it would be my focus, my_ mission _, to see them get the recompense they deserved. I smiled wickedly as I formulated my new objective._

Find Sayid _._


	18. Chapter 18

_**Thank you BJHanssen for your always-appreciated assistance and for talking me off the cliff on**_ _ **occasion**_ _ **. ;)**_

 ** _Thank you to all of you who follow and comment, if it weren't for you all I'm not sure I would continue with this fic. THANK YOU!_**

 ** _And btw - there may be an 'MF' in this one. He made me do it._**

"It took me 3 months to finally track him down," I continued, sitting on the foot of my bed as I looked back at Garrus. His attention was fully on me, whether it was for my storytelling abilities or incredulity was not apparent but his silence gave me a clue.

I smiled at the thought of walking into that place again, seeing Sayid's body hunched over the bar. "But when I did, it was _so satisfying._

"I'd cut and dyed my hair plus wore a ton of make-up so there was no way he could have recognized me sober, much less as drunk as he was. He was sucking on a bottle of cheap whiskey when I made my presence known. I played nice, made promises with my eyes and before I knew it I was outside his door, watching him fumble with the keys to his room.

"We got inside and I let him sit down on the bed before I shut the door and pulled out my gun.

"At first his eyes got wide and his jaw dropped but then…" I looked down, furrowing my brow and closing my eyes tight to try to bring back the image. It was difficult even then to picture it, the emotions that washed over his face were so…

Shocking.

I must have stayed quiet too long because Garrus cleared his throat, a signal to continue. I laughed, glancing back at him then looking back down to the floor.

"He was relieved," I breathed out.

I heard Garrus sputter so I looked back up at him.

"That is… not what I expected," he replied, giving me a quizzical look. "Fear, anger, sure. Relief?"

I nodded, "Relief." I got up, moving to stand in front of him to ensure I had his complete and undivided attention. Not that there was anything else in the room to distract him but I had to be sure, had to see it in his eyes that he understood what I was saying. "Blatant and unwavering relief.

"I asked him why," I continued, "why the hell he would give those people up, all the while holding the gun to his forehead, waiting, hoping it was a trick to take me off guard. Instead his face went sad and tears rolled down his cheeks. He mumbled something about his sister. Then he looked away and said…

"It wasn't supposed to be this way.

"Over and over, he repeated it, every question I asked had the same answer. 'Why did you do it?' 'Five people are dead because of you, how can you live with yourself?' 'What kind of monster are you?' Every response was identical.

"Finally I hit him across the head with my gun. I was tired of the bullshit, I wanted answers. Shit, I _earned them_! I screamed at him, 'WHY?'

"That must have woken him up because he snapped out of whatever fog he'd been in and stared up at me like a cornered animal. Then he gives me this look, like I was supposed to know the answer. I repeated "Why?" and he just stares back...

"'You didn't count the bodies?'"

"Then it clicked. I'd counted six bodies and it never occurred to me there were only supposed to be five. Five hostages." I shook my head, maintaining eye contact with Garrus. "I nodded, asked him 'Who was the sixth?'"

Garrus sighed, putting together the pieces. "His sister."

I nodded, "They'd promised him not only his sister's freedom but that they wouldn't hurt anyone, they just wanted the hostages back, to collect the money for the ransom. They even promised not to harm me if I came back too early." I huffed out a cynical laugh and shook my head. "They had a mark and they knew it, took it all the way."

Garrus laughed darkly, "Yeah, but come on. He didn't even have a clue?"

"Think about it," I said as I held out an open palm to him, "they have the life of someone you love, your whole world in their hands. All they have to do is-" I clamped my hand shut into a tight fist. "And they are dead, gone forever." I dropped my hand to my side and shrugged. "A normal person will do and believe _anything_. You just have to be a good enough liar."

Garrus smirked, "So you took him out?"

I held my facade, "He begged me to, said he deserved it. Said it would help me find peace and he was willing to pay the ultimate price. Then he slipped up, made a mistake.

"He said it would bring _him_ peace.

"That whole time I'd been putting more and more pressure on the trigger, just waiting for the moment the gun went off and it was over... until he said that.

"No way in _hell_ was I going to be the one to give him peace," I ground out, my eyes going narrow with rage. "He'd single-handedly brought about the deaths of six innocent people and he was still walking around, _peace?_

"I said 'Fuck your peace.' Tucked the gun into the back of my skirt and walked out without another word." I stared at Garrus, letting the outcome sink in until his expression changed.

He scratched at a mandible, "So you let him live but only to make sure he continued to suffer."

I laughed, shaking my head, "In the end it was more complicated than that." I sat down next to him. "But the bottom line is I had to live with that decision, me. No one else."

I took a talon in my hand and squeezed lightly. "At the end of the day it's you who has to live with your actions. I don't regret walking away but my reasons are my own, just like your reasons will be _your own._ No one else can tell you how to feel. Not even someone who lived it.

"Whatever decision you make, I will support you," I assured him, releasing his talon and standing, "just make sure you have all the information. Once this is over there really isn't too much room for a redo."

Garrus sighed, "Yeah, he'll either be dead or disappear again. I know." He looked down at the floor and shook his head, then stood. "I have a few things to think about," he said as he looked up at me. "I'll let you know when I'm heading to the Citadel."

"Ok, and let me know what the plan is," I smiled at him and rested a hand on my hip seductively, "I'll need to know whether to wear armor or lace."

"Sorry, I cannot picture you in _lace._ "

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"This is the place," Garrus whispered over comms as we approached a large warehouse. Spotting a human man and three armed mercs at the entrance I took him by the arm, Thane as well, and dragged them behind some large crates.

"As much as I love a good old-fashioned gun fight," I whispered as I gestured to my attire, which was more casual than appropriate.

I'd tied my newly manicured hair back into a sleek, albeit short, ponytail and borrowed an outfit from Kelly that consisted of a skin-tight black mini and a matching halter top that barely cupped my breasts, leaving my mid-section exposed. Finishing off the outfit with a pair of 3' black heels, the plan was to use my curves to get us answers and then, if needed, the other two would just shoot them. It worked pretty well to get the Krogan to take a hike, I was hoping to keep the gunfire to a minimum in the Harkin situation too.

Thane nodded at me then looked at Garrus, "Perhaps we can use it to our advantage."

I smiled, catching on to his plan, "Perfect, let me get your friend's attention. I'll draw him away and you guys move in when we are clear of the muscle." I looked at Garrus, waiting for his approval. "Your op, your decision."

Garrus gave me a questioning look, "Are you sure you want to do this? You're not 100% and he's not exactly harmless, if you got hurt..." His face conveyed concern, both for me and for himself. _If John found out he was handling an operation without his knowledge he would undoubtedly not be pleased,_ I reasoned.

I smiled back at him wickedly and nodded, "This, my dear, is what I do." I stood, straightened out my clothes and slowly sauntered over to the mark.

As I approached, the three mercs raised their guns but almost immediately lowered them, overtly staring at me. I guessed they were anyway, their helmets hid their faces completely. I ignored them and went straight to the human named Harkin I'd spotted earlier.

Garrus gave me a quick run down on him before we'd arrived, ex-C-Sec, helped out mercs with infiltrations and others to disappear if they had enough funding. So basically he was an opportunistic scumbag taking advantage of people running away from trouble and helping out those who _were_ the trouble.

He wasn't wearing armor and had a clipboard, telling me not only was he in charge but he had information. I smiled, locking eyes with him as I stopped maybe a foot away, letting his eyes roam over me generously. Waiting patiently, I gave him time to focus and figure out what he wanted to say.

"Can-can I h-help you?" He stuttered slightly, to which I slowly batted my eyes and nodded.

"I understand you are in the business of helping people," I breathed out, keeping my voice low and the conversation between us. "I could use some 'help'."

His eyes became greedy and a predatory smile crossed his face, "I'm sure I can 'help' you, provided you have resources."

 _Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun_ , "I do, but I'd rather not discuss such things in front of an audience," I said as I motioned to his mercs. "Can we go somewhere private to discuss arrangements?"

His expression went from hungry to overjoyed as he handed the clipboard to one of the armored men and took my arm, leading me away from the building.

Trying to slow his pace to ensure Thane and Garrus could keep up, I tugged on his arm and smiled up at him, motioning for him to come closer. He stopped, confused at first but he bent his head toward me when I saw a glimpse of green behind him.

Managing barely to miss his lips, I positioned my mouth next to his ear. "I was hoping you'd say yes." Then, giving him my own version of a hungry smile, I quickly resumed walking and tugged him along, making sure to move a bit slower than before.

Thankfully he wasn't very interested in talking so the walk was quiet but when we rounded the second corner I saw what appeared to be an apartment building in front of us. The smirk I caught out of the corner of my eye made me cringe inwardly as we continued toward the structure's entrance.

Not noticing my back up and out of options, I pretended to twist my ankle and shrieked. "Ow! Shit, oh wow that hurts," I carried on, grasping at the joint and hopping on one foot. I heard him groan in frustration as he helped me toward a nearby bench. Keeping up the rouse, I held the ankle and sat down, waiting for Garrus and/or Thane to show up.

I didn't wait long.

A flash of green and Harkin was out of sight, laying on the ground in an obscured alley about 12 feet away. Slowly I checked out the area, making sure no one was alarmed, and then casually made my way over to join them.

Staring down at the creep, I gave him a smirk of my own. "Tell me, how does it feel to be at someone _else's mercy_ for once?" He growled at me, to which Garrus replied with a boot to the gut. He doubled over in agony.

"Probably a little like that," Garrus said, obviously taking great satisfaction in having the upper hand.

I smiled down at the human, "So in case you didn't figure it out already we need something from you."

Harkin spat on the ground then glared up at me. "And why would I cooperate?" Another boot, this time to the lower spine, was the response he got.

"That's why," I replied calmly, holding my content smile. "Ready to _cooperate_?"

When he caught his breath his glare returned. "What do you want?"

"Sidonis," Garrus hissed. "Where is he?"

Harkin looked up at the Turian, "Well, it looks like we both have something the other one wants," he sneered.

I stepped on his hand with the heel of my shoe and smirked down at him darkly as he screeched. "I think you misunderstood, there will be no deals here." I relieved some of the pressure but held the shoe in place while Thane secured the other hand with his boot. "You will provide the information needed and then we will decide what to do with you."

Gritting his teeth, he scowled up at me, "I see that." I released his hand, as did Thane, and Harkin rubbed them together. "You have to see how giving up client information would be bad for business, right?"

He was looking at me but it was Garrus who replied, "You know what else is bad for business?" Garrus' boot found Harkin's throat. "A broken neck."

The human gurgled, struggling for air, "Alright, alright! Get off me!" I glared down at him but shot Garrus a hand signal to lay off, which he did. When Harkin caught his breath he rubbed at his throat. "Terminus really changed you, huh Garrus?"

"Set up a meeting," I interrupted, "No more talk. Now." I motioned to a communication booth nearby and he put up his hands in surrender as he stood.

Once the rendezvous was set we dropped Harkin off at the closest C-Sec office and set out for the Orbital Lounge. Grabbing a car, Garrus drove us to the general area we were to meet the other Turian.

We all got out and I looked at Garrus, "So what's the plan?" I waited, watching his facial movements and body language. He was still pensive, as if unsure as to his decision. "Hey, if you're still not sure about this…"

"I-I think I am," he responded. "I just need to hear it from him."

I nodded. "Why."

He returned the nod and motioned to a higher level, "I'll be up there, you go down and talk to him. See what you can get out of him and we'll see where this goes."

I nodded and motioned to Thane, "Let's go." He nodded and got back into the car with me, driving us to a parking spot outside the Orbital Lounge. Once we got out he followed me for a bit then disappeared into the shadows before I came upon the area where Sidonis would be waiting.

I looked around slowly, letting my eyes fall on him well after I'd spotted him in my peripheral. He was hunched over, wringing his hands in worry as his mandibles moved frantically. _Wow, this guy is terrified_. Moving toward him, I waited until I was a few feet away to say his name.

"Sidonis."

He jumped up, catching sight of me and rushing toward me, "Don't ever say that name aloud! Argh, let's just get this over with."

"Showtime," Garrus hummed in the comms.

"I hear you're hiding from some mercs," I said softly, "Why is that?"

The Turian sneered at me, "What the hell do you care, just give me my new docs and I'll be going."

I put up a finger, waving it slowly back and forth, "Uh uh, careful. You never know when a sniper rifle may be aimed at your head." He looked around frantically then finally back at me, speechless. With a smile and a wink I continued, "Just answer the question."

"Who sent you after me, Garrus? Shit, tell him I have my own problems," he waved me off and turned to walk away.

 _Oh no you don't mother fucker._ I grabbed his arm, swinging him around to look me in the eye. "Look, if you have a deathwish that's fine, I'll tell him to take the shot and this can all be over with." Calming down a little, I continued. "But if you have any good reason for ratting those men out, leading those mercs right to their door to _slaughter_ them, I suggest you speak up."

He hesitated, probably unsure as to whether or not I was serious, but relented. "I didn't have a choice."

I shook my head, "There is _always_ a choice," I seethed, hearing Garrus' grunt of approval in the comms.

Sidonis shook his head, "They had me, told me they'd kill me if I didn't talk, what was I supposed to do?"

I snapped, grabbing a hold of his collar and yanking him toward me. "You were supposed to _die._ What the fuck makes you so special that your life is worth all of theirs?" Pulling him just a hint closer, we were nose to nose. I smirked. "Please, enlighten me. Tell me how it is that you are so much more _fucking_ important than ten brave men who fought against corruption." His shoulders slumped and, realizing he was no longer resisting, I released him.

He moved over toward the railing, resting on it with a sigh, "I know what I did, you don't have to remind me." Closing his eyes, he rubbed his forehead. "I see their faces every night in my dreams, I wake up sick and sweating... They're dead because of me, and I have to live with that.

"I'm already a dead man," he relaxed, his body slacken as he leaned on the rail. "I don't sleep, food has no taste… Some days I just want it to be over." He sighed, a long, heavy sound that seemed to reverberate through his whole body. "There's nothing else to say, nothing I _can_ say to make it right. I know that and I know what's coming. I'm ready."

I waited, knowing Garrus' gears were turning. Sidonis knew it too or he wouldn't have moved out from behind my shadow. As the moments ticked by I thought about Sayid, the pathetic look on his face, the desperation in his eyes. He'd _wanted_ to die, Sidonis just seemed resigned to it, as if it were just a minor inconvenience.

The comms crackled and a whisper from the Turian came through...

"Let him go."


	19. Chapter 19

_**Thank you so much to my friends Amyress and BJHanssen, as well as everyone who is following and commenting, without whom this fic would not exist.**_ __

"Why am I so nervous?" I asked the air as Garrus and I approached the ambassador's office. I felt a talon on my shoulder and turned to face him.

"This is your _life_ , Sam," he replied. "I'd be worried if you _weren't_ nervous."

I took a breath and looked back at the door in front of us, "Ok, let's get this ov - WAIT!" Panic grabbed me as the possibility of my having to leave the Normandy jumped into my head. "What if they order me to go to Earth? I would have to leave immediately, the mission... " _And John, I can't just up and leave, knowing what he's up against!_ My hands scrubbed my face as I tried to focus.

Garrus tightened his grip on my shoulder, "Are you sure you don't want Shepard here? He knows Anderson better than I do, probably has a lot more sway with him."

I shook my head, dropping my hands and letting out a relenting sigh, "No, as complicated as our _whatever it is_ is, this whole situation would only make it worse." Looking back at the door, I shook my head. "Let's do it." I motioned to the door.

Garrus approached it. "Ok then," he complied, waving a talon in front of the 'doorbell' and the entrance slid open.

It was a large room, stark white and clinical with a small work station to the immediate left and a more elaborate set up in the far right corner. Behind that was an open air balcony overlooking the Presidium, overall a lovely office.

Sitting at the larger desk was an older man, probably in his early 50's, with salt and pepper hair, dark skin and brown eyes. He didn't look up right away so Garrus and I waited by the door, watching him expectantly. When he finally noticed us his expression went from annoyed to pleased.

"Garrus Vakarian," he announced to the otherwise empty room, giving the screen a quick nod then moving around the desk toward us. Garrus met him halfway, both men grabbing the other's hand and shaking in a familiar way. "Good to see you. Shepard was here earlier, is everything ok?"

Garrus nodded, "Good to see you too, Anderson. Everything is fine." The Turian then motioned to me, "Ambassador, let me introduce Miss Samantha Reid," and I stepped forward, taking the man's hand firmly with a smile that he returned.

"Ah," he nodded, "so you are the 'distraction'."

His words, along with the knowing smile he was throwing at me, made my stomach jump.

"Okaaaaaaay…" I drawled out, looking back and forth between the two men. "What did John say about me?"

Anderson laughed and shook his head, "Nothing bad, I assure you. Although, I will say he is tied up in knots and I can see why." He gave me a wink and motioned over to the screen he'd been working on when we walked in. "I've already been in touch with HQ and I have a contact for you."

"Oh," I breathed out, trying to process what he'd just said about John and the fact that _yes this is really happening,_ I was unsure as to how to proceed. "So... how would I go about that?"

"You come behind the desk so I can see your face, agent," an authoritative and gravelly male voice bit out from the console. Looking at Anderson then Garrus with probably a hilariously shocked expression, I nodded and made my way over to the voice.

"Yes sir," I replied, giving the man on the other end of the video call a nod. He responded in kind and smiled.

He was older as well, his face lined and jaw squared with gray hair peeking out from under his Alliance-emblazoned hat. His uniform was a dark blue and both shoulders had four bars each, giving him a considerable rank. If there was any consistency between the past and my new present, I was pretty sure he was an admiral or some equivalent.

"Relax agent," he said casually, "I just needed to see you for myself." He looked down at his omni tool then back up at me. "Amazing."

I assumed he was looking at my file, or some copy of it that had been dredged from the vaults of the ancient past. I was still in awe as to what happened and how long it'd been but I pulled myself together and recalled what I was supposed to say and do when I reported in. Remembering I wasn't alone, I looked over at Garrus and Anderson who nodded and left the room so I took a breath to begin.

"Sir, Agent Samantha Hackett, Senior Field Operative for the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States of America reporting. ID number 862439315, date of birth 5-16-1989. Code name Foxfire, aliases include-"

The man's hand flew up to stop me, "Agent _Hackett_ , no worries, I know who you are."

"Yes sir," I kept my tone clipped and professional. "Orders sir?"

He looked back down at his omni tool, punching in some information then swiping it as if toward me, "A few things first. I've sent you some files I want you to look over. They are of the Cerberus organization and their higher level operatives I believe you to be working alongside."

My omni tool chimed and I raised my arm, opening it to see Miranda's mug. I wrinkled my nose a bit and scrolled down. The Alliance had a surprising amount of data on Miss Lawson, including family and known associates, one of which was Jacob. He was the next one down but, instead of perusing it I decided to save some for later when another alert came through.

My banking app had a notification of a deposit. A very _large_ deposit.

I nodded at the man who I assumed would be my handler. "Thank you sir, but what is the…"

He smiled, "That is your back pay, agent."

Raising my eyebrows, I almost choked on my own words when I saw how much it was, "Well, thank you very much sir." I laughed, trying to hold on to what little dignity I had left.

Without missing a beat, he continued. "Now, I've discussed the mission you are currently involved in with Ambassador Anderson and have decided you should continue to assist as required."

I nodded, relieved, "Yes sir."

"Also, you are to report in whenever arriving on the surface of a planet. I sent you a message that, when you open it, will download software into your omni tool that will act as an anti-hack. Vakarian can confirm it and assist if needed. Be sure to open it while still on the Citadel and refrain from sending messages while on board their ship. If they pick up on the fact that your messages aren't going through their channels it will raise suspicion.

"And most importantly," he took a breath, "Agent Hackett, you are not to tell _anyone_ that you have reported in, nor any of the details of this conversation. No one on that ship, other than Vakarian who is being briefed by Anderson as we speak, can know you are in contact with the Alliance, _no matter what_. It will put _you_ in danger, as well as Vakarian. Cerberus is not to be underestimated, no matter what you may think of the individuals personally, they are dangerous and fiercely protective of their organization. Trust _no one._ "

"Not even Shepard, sir?" The question was out of my mouth before I could think, along with emotion that I should have held back. I knew it and he knew it so I squared my shoulders and waited for the reprimand...

But it never came.

"I knew you would take to him," the handler's voice softened. I held my facade but the shock took me off guard as he continued. "If he is half the man he used to be... I have every confidence the mission will be a success. Especially with your help, according to your record you are no slouch either."

I relaxed my expression, "You knew him well, sir?"

"Personally, no," he relented, "but his record is stellar and Anderson can't say enough good about him. Anderson is not one to exaggerate."

I nodded, "Then I can trust him."

"Absolutely not," he insisted, his tone returning to command. "Understand, agent, that the man you are serving with has yet to be confirmed as the actual John Shepard so he is still considered an unknown." Looking away for a moment, he almost appeared to be talking to himself rather than me, "Shepard was spaced for God's sake, how the hell can we be expected to _believe_ Cerberus brought him _back_? And that it is actually him, not some construct or VI that walks, talks and acts like him! No," he reaffirmed, "your mission, your life, are both far too important to risk.

"Trust me when I say this, agent, because I have a personal interest in seeing you safely to Earth," pointing at the screen, he looked me dead in the eye, his blue eyes darkening. "You are to trust _no one_ …

" _Especially_ John Shepard."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"You've been quiet," Garrus nudged my arm as we approached the bay of the Normandy. Having not said a word since we left the Ambassador's office, I shook my head, dropping my eyes to the ground.

Knowing better than to push, Garrus lifted his omni-tool to his face. "Coming aboard Joker."

"Gotcha Garrus," Joker replied as the door to the decompression room opened. "And by the way, your absence was noticed."

I looked sideways at Garrus as the door closed behind us, "Shit. What's our story?"

The Turian shook his head, "I'll take care of it." The fans kicked on, lights powered on and off, then the door in front of us opened to the cockpit.

We went through the CIC but where I got on the elevator Garrus went into the Weapons Locker, probably to look for John in the comm room, so I made my way down to the rec level.

When the door opened to my room I froze, my eyes roaming over the new contents. To my left there was an additional bed, a room divider, desk, dresser, nightstand and a few pieces of art that I was sure were not there before. That and a fragrance…

And a warm body, cloaked with some invisibility tech, standing three feet away at my 10 o'clock.

Glancing around the room I realized my 'guest' was not advancing and decided to act as if I was alone, stripping down to my underwear and readying my things for a shower. I dragged the robe around my shoulders and tied it at the waist, grabbed my clothes and toiletries then headed to the door. As it opened I stopped and turned to face the intruder.

Smirking, I winked in their direction, "Either be visible or be gone when I get back. I do not tolerate games unless I'm in on them." WIth that I turned and left the room.

My shower didn't take long and 20 minutes later I was heading back across the ship. This time when the door opened there was a woman sitting at the desk.

As I entered she pulled her hood over her head but I caught a glimpse of shiny black hair and asian features. I smiled and nodded before heading to my side and putting my things away. When I turned to face her again she was standing behind me with her hand out.

"Kasumi Goto, at your service," she said as I took her hand and gave it a firm shake.

"Samantha Reid," I replied. We released the other's hand and I gestured to the bar. "Best way to get to know someone is to have a drink. I take it you're a recruit?" I asked as I moved behind the bar to make a few cocktails.

Kasumi nodded and sat on a stool. "Yes, Cerberus apparently caught wind of a few of my operations and decided I could be of use. You?" Her curiosity was genuine so I didn't mind answering.

I grabbed two glasses and a bottle of the bourbon I had absconded with from Zaeed's room while he was out with Shepard, "I was a surprise from the beginning. Luckily I'm cute so John felt bad and kept me." I gave her a pouty face then smiled, "Ya know, like a stray. He's a sucker."

Her giggle was a mix of humor and relief, "Gotta love a guy with a big heart and bigger shoulders."

I winked, lifting my glass to meet hers, "I will drink to that."

" _What_ are we drinking to?" John's voice came from the doorway, apparently opened by EDI at some point during our conversation. _Note to self, get a doorbell._

"Wow, Shep," Kasumi grinned, "you're stealthy for a big guy."

My heart in my throat, I sipped from the glass in my hand and glanced over at him before looking behind the bar for an imaginary _something_. The conversation with my new handler was running through my head at full speed, ' _Shepard was spaced for God's sake, how the hell can we be expected to believe Cerberus brought him back?'_ Blinking away the memory, I stopped pretending to look and took a healthier sip, the word _construct_ bouncing around in my head. _What does that even_ mean? _That it's possible he's not human?_

Feeling his eyes on me, I put down my glass and smiled at him, "Shepard."

A confused look came over his face as he took a tentative step toward the bar, "I see you two are getting along nicely."

I nodded, "Absolutely, although her cloaking tech may disappear if she tries to use her powers for evil again." I turned to face Miss Goto just in time to see her stick out her tongue at me then grin.

"We're fine Shep," she insisted as she turned back to face him. "Did you catch up with Krios?"

John crossed his arms and looked directly at me, "Yes, actually that's why I'm here. He wanted to see both of us, do you have some time?"

 _Shit, Thane is asking for help, that is bad._ "Of course, is now good?"

He motioned to the door, "After you."

I practically dropped the glass on my way around the bar, "See ya Kass."

Spinning around on her stool Kasumi smiled and waved, "Later!"

Out in the hallway, John took my arm to stop me, "Are you alright?" Luckily, his grip was gentle and his eyes were so full of concern I didn't immediately panic.

Instead, I looked up at him, into those eyes and felt that familiar flutter, "Yeah, I'm… " The memory came rushing back, _what if he's not even human?_ Unable to finish the lie, I shook my head. "No, I'm not but it can wait. Thane asking for help is a little alarming."

John nodded, releasing my arm, "I agree, table it for later?" His question was almost like asking permission, as if he wasn't trying to push but he wanted me to know I could talk to him.

"Yeah, later," I smiled up at him. _If he's not human that is some impressive programming._

When we walked into Thane's room, the Drell stood, "Good, you're both here.

"But now that you are… " he hesitated so I sat across from him, motioning for him to sit back down.

"What's going on?" I asked, simple and blunt. As he sat he watched my face, probably looking for duplicity but he soon realized I wore no mask. It was me, his friend, asking what he needed. _Remember Sam, he's not use to this friendship stuff._

"Whatever it is Thane, you can tell us," John backed me up, softening his tone as he stood next to my chair and rested a hand on it. _A united front,_ I smiled up at him then back at Thane.

The Drell sighed, finally accepting the fact that we there to assist him, "I should start at the beginning… I had a family once, I still have a son. His name is Kolyat. I haven't seen him in a long time."

"Define 'a long time'," I said, trying to put the pieces together.

Thane's answer was surprising, "Ten years. He showed me some of his school work and asked if we could 'dance crazy'."

I smiled, "Well well, the assassin has a childish streak in him." Thane flashed a smile as he stood then made his way over to the shelves where his guns were displayed. Getting the idea that this was about the boy, I pushed. "Any idea where he is now?"

"That is what I wanted to speak to you both about," he relented, "I traced Kolyat through some of my contacts. He has become… disconnected. He does what his body wills."

I understood what he meant from our conversation about his religious beliefs but I could tell John was a little confused. It never occurred to me he might not be spiritual but it should have, being a soldier meant he was fodder until he was deemed more important and most of the time that happened by accident. Hard to believe in a higher power or fate.

John scratched his head, "Explain 'disconnected'."

Thane nodded, "The body is not our true self, the soul is. The body and soul work as one in a whole person. When the soul is weakened by despair or fear, when the body is ill or injured, the individual is disconnected. No longer whole."

I knew there was a point and it didn't sound good, "Where is he now?"

Thane's gaze became direct, almost sharp, "He's gone to the Citadel, and has gained a job as a hitman."

My stomach flipped as I jumped to my feet, "Well, good thing we're still in port. Let's go."

John nodded but held up his hand for us to wait, "I agree, but you don't hire a raw rookie for a hit. It doesn't make sense."

Thane nodded, "I'm afraid someone may have realized we share a name and assumed we share skills. I don't know why he would accept the task."

Approaching them, I put a hand on Thane's arm, "To be close to you. Children have a tendency to follow in their parents' footsteps…" I swallowed, remembering the decision, the procedure we went through with _my_ John's urging of 'someday'... "Whether we like it or not."

John put a hand on my lower back briefly then turned to Thane, "We don't have your contacts and I, at least," John motioned to me, "don't have your tracking skills. Why do you want our help for this?"

"I don't _need_ your help, I _want_ it," Thane insisted, "the last time I saw my son…" I saw his eyes get distant and knew a memory was coming on.

 _They wrapped her body in sea wrap, weighted, with stones._

 _He tries to pull from me, calls for her_

 _When they lift her off the platform they sing, like bells_

' _The fire is gone to be kindled anew'_

 _He begs them not to take her away_

 _They let her body slide into the water_

 _He hits me, 'Don't let them! Stop them! Why weren't you-?''_

 _It rains. It always rains on Kahje._

 _Warm water pours down his face._

Thane dropped his head as if in prayer, going silent.

John sighed, "I didn't mean to make you relive that."

Thane shrugged, "Perfect memory, it is sometimes a burden."

"Seems like it," I interjected. "Are we ready?" I looked to John then back to Thane, getting nods from both of them I motioned to the door. "Then let's go."


	20. Chapter 20

_**Sorry for the long pause between chapters, vacation and work got in the way. Here's a long chapter, hope it makes up for it!**_

 _ **Thanks to Miss Amyress, my beta and strength! :)**_

 _ **And BJHanssen, the training wheels are off, let's see if I crash. :)**_

"Bailey," Shepard greeted the man at the desk as we entered the Citadel. He smiled in response and nodded, looking back down at his screen briefly before speaking.

"How's it going Shepard?" He finally replied, looking back up at us. Making eye contact with me, he gave me a nod which I returned.

"My associate is trying to find his son," John replied, motioning to Thane. "We think a local criminal may have hired him."

I casually watched the C-Sec officer for his reaction, which was to immediately search his database for the info Shepard requested. _Mental note, Shepard must have made quite the impression for him to jump to assist like that. One tick in the 'Human' column._

Subtly, I looked over at John who happened to be looking back at me, his eyes dark with something that made my lower belly tense. _How the fuck does he DO that?! Make that two,_ I thought. Then he flushed, embarrassment plain in his features and his body language as he quickly looked away, making me inwardly giggle. _How adorable, three then._

"There we go," Bailey continued as he typed, "One of my men reported a Drell recently, and he was talking to Mouse. Interesting…"

That peaked Thane's interest, "Mouse," he stated more than asked. I watched the Drell's face as Bailey explained who 'Mouse' was but I was pretty sure Thane was fully aware of the 'duct rat'.

The term seemed harsh considering it referred to small children but the way Bailey explained it these kids didn't have any protection from predators other than the ability to hide in the ducts around the station. And God forbid they make a wrong turn, they could be shredded, suffocated, shot into space or turned into protein goo.

Fully nauseated, I diverted the subject slightly, "What about the ones that manage to grow up?"

Bailey shrugged, "Most do odd jobs for shifty people, duct rats take whatever's available to get by. Data running, fencing stolen goods, selling illegal VI personalities…" The man looked directly at John with a smirk. "Actually Mouse was selling one of you."

Shepard instantly became _more_ uncomfortable as he grasped the back of his neck, "Me?". I held back a giggle waiting for Bailey's explanation.

"Yeah," he explained, "when you erased a file it would say 'I erase data like you on the way to real errors.' Buggy though, it crashed every half hour. The error message was about how the galaxy was at stake and you should fix the problem yourself."

Unable to hold back, I sputtered out a laugh, "Wow Shepard, that's pretty harsh, don't you think?"

John shook his head, smirking at me, "Laugh it up, Sam." He turned his attention back to Bailey, "Where can we find this 'Mouse'?"

"He's usually upstairs outside the Dark Star, he works out of a public comm terminal," he said then smiled. "You should pick up a copy of the Shepard VI when you talk to him," he teased then turned to face Thane, his expression turning serious. "Sounds like your boy is running with the wrong crowd."

Thane nodded, "Yes, I agree."

Bailey nodded, "If Mouse can't get you in touch with your son directly he'll know who can," he tried to assure Thane. "I'll help you if you need it."

John narrowed his eyes at the man, "You don't know us Captain," he remarked suspiciously, "Why are you going so far to help us?"

Bailey's eyes got that far away look, "I've worked Zakera for two years, every day kids turn to crime cause they've got no other choice, cause their parents don't care." He shook his head then looked at Thane with sympathy, maybe something even deeper, "You're trying to save yours."

Thane appeared to absorb the man's words, as well as the emotions behind them. "He faces a dark path."

Glancing at Shepard, I motioned to the exit, "We'd better get going then."

When we were out of ear shot Thane stopped, looking at John, "You didn't tell him that Kolyat plans to assassinate someone."

John shook his head, "This is messy enough without getting C-Sec involved."

"Agreed," he replied. "Thank you Shepard."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We found Mouse with no problem and, as I suspected, he and Thane knew each other. Mouse used to run for Thane when he was 'working' on the Citadel. A little back and forth and the boy gave up a name, Elias Kelham, which gave us a place to start.

We went back to Bailey and got a very different reaction from what I expected.

"Kelham," he repeated, "Shit." He shook his head with a sigh. "Look, this is awkward. Kelham and I have a-an agreement. He doesn't cause too much trouble and 'buys tickets to the C-Sec Charity Ball' from me. In return, I ignore him."

I took a deep breath to remain calm, also to keep from hitting him, "Are you backing out?"

He had the nerve to leer at me for a moment but relented, "No. I can have some of my people bring him in and set him up in a private room. You can interrogate him yourself. I'll stay out of sight, if I'm lucky Kelham will believe I had nothing to do with it."

"Bring him in," John replied, "we might not have much time."

Bailey nodded, "I'll make it happen, wait here."

Once he was out of sight I poked John to get his attention, "Not sure how I feel about him."

Shepard sighed, "Yeah, but so far he's a friend." I nodded and looked in the direction he'd gone, debating how to move forward when a thought occurred to me.

"You know," I said, looking back at John, "I have training and experience in interrogation, maybe Thane and I should handle this." I watched his expression go from surprise to suspicion. _UGH, he still doesn't quite trust me._

"Samantha has a point," the Drell whispered, "between the two of us we can pick him apart with ease."

I looked at John, "Are you ok with it? I won't go against you..."

Shepard shook his head and sighed, "Yeah, go ahead. Let me know what you find out." I tried to catch his eye but he looked away quickly, as if avoiding me. That made a large knot form in my throat that I tried to swallow back down…

Unsuccessfully.

Schooling my features, I looked over at Thane who nodded in the direction of the interrogation room. I returned the nod and turned toward the doorway where a very obnoxious man was being dragged in. I smiled at Thane who simply shook his head and followed me to the room the human had been locked in.

"So what's the plan?" I asked, turning to the Drell.

He shrugged, "This is not my field of expertise, do you have any suggestions?"

I rubbed the back of my neck, staring intently at the floor as different techniques crossed my mind. "I don't know, we could do 'good cop- bad cop' but I'm not entirely convinced it would work."

Thane nodded, "Agreed, I don't see a crime lord responding to traditional methods. Maybe something more direct?"

A small smirk, born of distaste, came across my face as I made my decision. "Follow my lead and stay quiet. When I glance at you, ask who he hired Kolyat to kill." Looking at the door, I remembered what that asshole had done and what was at stake, a tactic that has always made me more effective. _I may not enjoy this, but I can make it look like I do if it gets the job done._

When the officer opened the door and I saw Kelham shackled to a chair my angry expression almost slipped, but I managed to hold it as I walked around to the other side of the room. As the door closed behind us Kelham's expression became confused.

"Who the hell are you two?" he asked. I held eye contact with him and made my way over to the front of his chair.

"You hired a Drell recently for a hit, who is the target?" I deadpanned, never blinking or looking away.

Kelham smirked, "The only person I'm talking to is my advocate." I allowed my lips to curve into a small smile as I leered at him. Letting a few seconds go by, I then took hold of his pinky finger, gripping it just below the joint connecting it to his palm.

"Who. Is. The target." I whispered as I gripped the joint a bit tighter.

He grit his teeth and seethed, "Who the fuck do you-" he let out a pained screech as I ripped the finger out of its socket.

Giving it a flick for effect, I then moved on to the ring finger. "Who."

Laughing through the pain, Kelham looked back up at me. "You just handed me your job, ass-AAAAAAAAAAH!" Another scream as I ripped that finger from its socket as well.

I gave the finger a twist, getting another screech from the criminal as I smiled down at him. Thinking it was time to turn it up a notch, I glanced back at Thane who took the cue.

"Who?" he asked as he moved toward Kelham's other hand. As he took hold of it the prisoner started to squirm.

"Who are you, _frog boy_. Are you her little- AHHHH!" Another scream as Thane removed a finger from its socket. I sent him an appreciative glance and a nod as I gave the hand I'd worked on a little squeeze, extending Kelham's screams..

Thane grasped him by the chin and yanked his head up to look him in the eye. "Who is the target?"

I squeezed his hand again. "Who did you hire the Drell to kill, Kelham?"

Another scream from the prisoner told me Thane had removed yet another finger from its socket. _Time to put the screws to him,_ I thought as I gestured for Thane to step away. I straddled Kelham's lap as he whimpered, taking him by the ears and yanking hard on them.

I roared in his face, "WHO! Tell me now or I will rip the rest of your fingers clean OFF!"

"JORAM! Joram Talid, a Turian on the 800 blocks…" and with that the crime boss passed out, probably from the pain. A satisfied grin came over my face, glad to see those skills be put to good use and to someone who deserved a little pain and fear in their lives.

 _Not just to find out where someone had stashed a flash drive. Yeah, that one got messy._

"He's unconscious," Thane hummed. "No need to wake him up I think." I smiled in agreement as I got down off the chair and moved to put the fingers I'd 'relocated' back to their original alignment.

Thane did the same to the other hand. "I'd hoped to avoid unnecessary violence," he said thoughtfully. "Pure results come from pure methods." He shook his head. As we made our way toward the door he completed the thought.

"I worry about what is yet to come."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

We gave Bailey and Shepard a quick debrief to which Bailey added a few tidbits of background. Apparently the target was a politician who made promises about stopping organized crime, which would be great. The kicker was he was also anti-human, making him a racist piece of shit in my book. The fact that he could do so out in the public eye drove me insane but apparently it was common, John didn't question it at all. _Mental note, ask him what that's all about when we're alone._

After Bailey's patrol car got us to the 800 blocks, we walked around looking for the asshat Kelham wanted dead.

 _Alone?_ I swallowed hard as I walked alongside Shepard. _Why does that bother me so much, being alone with him? And not in a 'you make me uncomfortable because you might not be human' way but in a 'you make me so hot I want to tear your clothes off' way._ Taking a deep breath to attempt to clear my head, I blew it straight out my mouth, making a whooshing sound as I glanced at the man walking next to me. _If you're not human you would make one hell of a sex bot._

John glanced at me then leaned his head toward me. "You ok?" he whispered as we continued walking. Struggling to hold my expression and my emotions in check, I held back my ironic laughter and just kept moving. When I didn't respond he nudged my shoulder and smirked at me. "You, uh, look a little flushed."

 _Really?_ _Can't imagine why._

"I'm good," I ground out, keeping my eyes forward and thinking about puppies. _Cute, fluffy little puppies. Nothing torrid about_ them _._

John stopped and gestured toward something, "There he is." I looked up to see two Turians talking, one in white dress clothes who greatly resembled the posters Bailey had told us about. Talid. Shepard turned to look at Thane, "How do you want to handle this?"

The Drell looked around then motioned to a walkway above our heads, "Shepard, follow Talid on the maintenance catwalks," he said, looking back at John. "Tell us what he's doing, the Krogan bodyguard will make him easy to follow." When he looked at me I nodded and glanced around looking for ways to blend in.

Shepard looked between the two of us, "Where will you be?".

I smiled as his eyes rested on me. "The best place to _hide,_ of course," I replied. "Right in plain sight." Giving him a nod I turned, walking toward a kiosk selling implant augmentations and pretending to browse.

As I listened to what was going on around me I realized the Turian's beliefs were very widespread, many of the constituents he stopped to speak to were agreeing heartily with repressing the humans and to go out on election day to vote for him. _Wow, I knew humanity had its flaws but these people want us collared and leashed!_

John reported in, confirming Talid's position when I saw the bodyguard enter one of the stores on the strip. Confident Shepard could handle keeping an eye on the target, I followed the Krogan into the shop when Talid's back was turned to find out what they were up to.

Moving through the doorway before the door had closed behind him, the muscle wasn't aware I was even there when the threats started. I opened up my omni-tool and started recording, video and audio.

"If you want to continue doing business, _human_ , you will pay," the bodyguard demanded as he picked up a datapad on display and tossed it across the room, shattering it. The clerk was shaking as he raised both of his hands in surrender.

"I-I'll transfer the credits, j-just leave!" the desperate man insisted, tears welling up in his eyes. I remained silent, my presence obstructed from the human by the large Krogan. Sensing the right side of the beast's body tense, I anticipated movement and countered, moving to remain behind him as he walked back out the door. As I watched him leave, in my peripheral I saw the human start at my sudden appearance.

I turned to the clerk and gave him a concerned look, "Are you alright?".

He shook his head and let the tears fall, "No. That bastard has been bleeding me dry for months. I can't even keep help, I have no idea how I'll stay in business at this rate."

I stepped up to the counter and reached across, taking his hand in mine, "There is _one_ way..."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

After leaving the shop I walked at a steady pace along the corridor, casually scanning the crowd. John and Thane had kept a close eye on our friend so I had an idea as to where _he_ was, I was more interested in looking for a Drell that may be not-so-professionally lingering in the shadows.

"Still no sign of Kolyat," I updated, "You two stay on Talid and I'll look for the boy."

"Hey, who are you? What are you doing back here?" an unfamiliar voice came over the comms. I froze, waiting to hear the response as I scanned the catwalks looking for John. That and a way up there should he need back up.

"What am _I_ doing up here, what are _you_ doing up here?" Shepard responded.

"Wha-?" the worker's tone was confused so I decided to coach John.

I whispered into the comms, "Tell him to get out, it's not safe."

"Do you have any idea how dangerous it is up here?" John insisted.

"Dangerous?" The worker's confusion deepening. I smiled. _Easy target._

"Tell him to get out before it blows," I deadpanned, hoping the laugh I was stifling was not going through the comms.

"Get out of here _now,_ before it blows!" John shouted. I pulled my lips between my teeth and clamped down on them to keep from laughing.

"Blows?" the worker still questioned what was going on and wasn't moving. _Fuck._

"RUN!" John shouted louder.

"A-alright," the worker stuttered. Then silence.

Two seconds later a low rumble of a laugh came over comms.

"I have to say, Sam," John's voice full of humor, "I cannot believe that actually worked."

I shook my head as I released the giggles I'd been holding back, "There's logic behind it but I can fill you in some other time."

"I'll buy you a drink," he stated, "and you can tell me all about it." My heart did a little leap but I took a deep breath to calm it and continued toward the entrance to what appeared to be a residential area.

As I approached I spotted Talid and the Krogan so I followed, scanning for any sign of Thane's son. I watched Talid as he walked, looking for signs of tension or fear but saw only arrogance. Shaking my head, I noticed movement to his left.

A Drell I did not recognize.

"I've spotted Kolyat," I spat into the comms as I ran to intercept the boy before he got to Joram.

A human had stepped into his path, blocking him from his target but he shoved him out of the way unceremoniously and pulled out his weapon, drawing a shriek from the victim as he fell to the ground.

"Kolyat!" I yelled, getting the attention of Talid and his bodyguard.

When they turned and say Kolyat the boy began firing, hitting the Krogan twice as Talid made for his apartment. Once the Krogan was down Kolyat went after the Turian.

"Thane!" I shouted.

A flash of green appeared beside me as I vaulted over a railing in pursuit, "I saw."

"He's heading to Talid's apartment," John deduced as he caught up, the three of us charging into the building.

Once inside I pushed John ahead as I stayed back by the door, hiding in the shadows. I peeked around John to find Talid on his knees and a terrified but determined Kolyat holding a gun to the Turian's forehead.

Once Thane had Kolyat's attention, I started to slowly make my way around the room along the wall, keeping to the shadows and not making a sound. The two Drell were trading words and the Turian on the floor was begging for help when Bailey and another C-Sec officer showed up.

 _Shit, gotta move fast before this gets out of control._

"Get out of my way," Kolyat demanded, "I'm walking out and he's coming with me." His shortness of breath and body language screamed panic, I knew once I disarmed him things could go either way.

Thane approached the other Drell carefully, "They'll have snipers outside," he tried to reason with the young man but the gun in his hand continued to shake slightly.

Taking advantage of his attention being elsewhere, I slithered along the wall until I was just behind his right shoulder, then I moved toward him. Closing the distance, he still was not aware of my presence so I kicked the gun from his hand and quickly moved to stand between he and it.

His confusion as to what had happened would have been comical in any other circumstance, but it certainly wasn't at the time. It was heartbreaking.

"You," I pointed to Talid, anger flashing in my eyes, "Get out."

He stood, unsteadily at first, then made his way toward the door, "Yeah, yeah, I will."

"Take the boy into custody," Bailey barked at his officer, who moved to do just that.

Kolyat turned to me, rage pouring off of him, "You, you _bitch!_ "

I couldn't help but smirk, "Like you're the first person to call me that."

"Your father doesn't have much time left, Kolyat," John interrupted, pulling Kolyat's anger away from me and toward him. "He's trying to make up for his mistakes."

The young Drell snickered darkly as he looked at his father, "What, so you came to get my forgiveness? So you can die in _peace_ or something?"

Thane approached the boy, love and concern in his body language and on his face, "I came to grant _you_ peace." He was quiet for a moment then, looking at the ground, he continued. "You're angry because I wasn't there when your mother died."

Kolyat sneered, "You weren't there when she was _alive,_ why should you be there when she _died_?". The fury that boy had kept inside, probably for many years, came out in that one sentence. I understood, empathized with him even, but I also felt for Thane. As I looked at the older Drell, I saw that the words had done what was intended.

Stabbed him directly in the heart.

I couldn't let it continue in front of so many prying eyes. "That's enough," I interjected, moving to stand between the two. "This should be happening behind closed doors, not here... in front of strangers."

"I agree," Bailey said as he stepped forward. "Boys, take Kolyat and his father back to the precinct. Give them a room and as much time as they need." The other officers cuffed Kolyat and allowed Thane to follow as he was taken to a patrol car outside. I walked over to where Bailey stood, as did John.

When the older man looked at me I smiled, "Thank you."

John crossed his arms, "I'm surprised you're letting him do that," he said.

Bailey shrugged then looked away, "You think he's the only man who ever screwed up raising a son?" His eyes dropped down briefly then he looked back at John and I. "I have to get back to the precinct. Come on, I'll give you two a lift."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"They've been in there a while," John sighed as we waited for Thane outside the interrogation room.

I nodded, "It'll take as long as it takes. Family can be messy, and they have a lot of time to sort through."

"The kid's been through a lot," Bailey agreed then glanced back at his screen. "I ran some searches in the C-Sec archive. About ten years back a bunch of real bad people were killed, like someone was cleaning house.

"The prime suspect was a Drell, we never caught him." Bailey looked back and forth between John and I, looking for some reaction.

I nodded, "Sounds like someone _was_ cleaning house. Did you a few favors if your files are correct."

The Captain nodded, "Yeah, I guess you're right about that." Then the door to the interrogation room opened and Thane emerged.

When he joined us I gave him a nod, "Do you need more time?"

Thane gave a small smile, "Yes, but not today I think. It will be difficult but we will keep talking, see what happens."

"Your boy shot some people," Bailey said flat-out, "No one I feel sympathy for, but there it is."

John leaned on the edge of Bailey's desk, "We watched those guys shaking down businesses and threatening humans."

Bailey opened his mouth to speak but I raised a hand to stop him, "I've got proof, video and audio of one of the shakedowns. Plus the store owner was going to speak to the others on his block to see who else would come forward to press charges."

John looked at me, cocking his eyebrow in disbelief, "Your doing?".

I grinned sarcastically at him, "Technically it's _your_ doing but I was the one who convinced him to try. Power in numbers, right?" He leveled his brow and smiled at me, a knowing smile that I couldn't help but playfully sneer at. _A few months ago I would have just shot the asshole and been done with it. You made me like this. Jerk._

"That's all well and good," Bailey interrupted, "but he still can't just get away with shooting people."

John nodded, "The kid wants to make a difference, give him community service."

Bailey's eyes got really thin as he leered at Shepard, "Community service for attempted murder? What Jury would agree to that?"

"None that I've seen," John replied, "This would need to stay out of the judiciary. Strictly within C-Sec."

Bailey hummed in thought then stood, moving next to Thane, "Interesting, I'll think about it," and shook Thane's hand.

Thane nodded, "Thank you Captain." As we gave our thanks and moved to walk away, John took my arm.

"How about that drink?" he asked, a twinkle in his eye. I choked for a second then looked over to Thane who was already through the doors leading back to the ship. _Traitor._

"Um-" I stumbled, then took a breath. "Sure," I nodded then waved toward the entrance to the Presidium. "Lead the way."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

A beer in hand, I leaned over the balcony, looking down on the rest of the 'world'. The climate control for the station was near perfect, a slight breeze and the vegetation around us made it nearly pleasant to be there. I took a breath in, smelling the flowers someone tended nearby, and smiled.

"You seem calmer today," John interrupted my thoughts as he leaned on the railing next to me. His arm inches from mine, I could feel the body heat radiating off of him. _Breathe…_

"I am," I agreed, then brought the bottle in my hand up to my lips, taking a decent swig. I wanted a few minutes to collect my thoughts, needed them actually. Completely unsure as to how to start the conversation, all I knew was I wanted to tell him everything.

His humanity no longer in doubt, I was ready to report back to my handler my assessment and let him know I'd confided in John. At that point I saw no reason to hold back, there were things he needed to know and things _I_ needed him to know. Mainly I had to admit to contact with my new handler _and_ tell him that I actually doubted he was human.

But ten seconds of silence was all I got.

"Are you going to tell me what's been going on?" he asked, nudging my shoulder with his. I glanced at him, giving him a slightly annoyed look then looked back down at the drink in my hand.

"It's not like I can just blurt shit out and pick up the pieces later, Shepard," I replied, unable to hide the minor annoyance in my tone. "Everything I say has to be measured, exact, precise. I can't afford misunderstandings." I looked over at him to gauge his reaction. His expression was thoughtful, open and concerned. _Shit, I need to lighten the mood a bit._ "Wow, John, you look like you're expecting me to tell you I'm pregnant!" I blurted out a laugh as his face turned two shades of red.

He shook his head and sighed, a small smile appearing, "I don't know why I didn't see that coming."

Still laughing, I gave his arm a pinch, "Yeah, me neither." When I caught my breath I let out a relenting sigh. "Ok, fine. You want to know why I've been so edgy lately. Well, It's simple…"

John held up a hand to stop me, "If you bring up some monthly woman thing I'm leaving."

Giving him a sneer as he laughed, I _slapped_ his arm, "No, _jackass_ , I wasn't going to bring that up." He nodded and refrained from laughing, gesturing for me to continue. "I admit I deserved that, anyway, it's simple."

I held his eyes, intent on seeing his reaction to my next words. "And I didn't have to go all the way to Earth."

I let that sink in as I took another long swig, hoping beyond hope that I didn't have to explain much more. The gears in his head were turning, processing, then he understood but continued to think. There was something else that was eluding him, something he wanted to know but couldn't quite put together yet. _He can't figure out why that would bother me, and how it would involve him. Here we go..._

"I didn't tell you sooner because I was ordered not to," I supplied. A single eyebrow jumped up in question so I continued. "I was ordered not to tell _you,_ _specifically_." His brow then furrowed, telling me he knew he wasn't going to like what was coming next but he wanted to know regardless.

I nodded, pleading to him with my eyes, "Ok, I'll tell you everything, but you have to promise me two things. One, swear to me on what you hold most dear that you won't share anything that I say with anyone. That and…

"Please don't hate me."

His eyes, those beautiful blue eyes were boring into me as if they could read my mind, and if he looked at me too long he would have seen right through me. Every secret, every indecent thought I'd had up to that point would have opened to him like a book.

I held his stare, trying to push everything else aside and convey to him what I wanted him to know, what I _needed_ him to know. _I will bear my soul to you, please, I will tell you everything, just promise me..._

"Sam, I-" he stopped short and sighed, shaking his head as he looked away.

"I can't."


	21. Chapter 21

**_Thank you's all around for everyone who reads and everyone who reviews!_**

 ** _Without all of you I'm pretty sure this would be stuck in my head forever. ;)_**

 _I knew it._

"I understand," I pushed out as I turned to put my beer down on the table behind us, the knot in my gut growing to the point of almost choking me. Without looking directly at him, I glanced in his direction. "Thanks for the drink, I'll meet you back on the ship."

And I walked away.

Making a b-line for the elevator, my heart was beating a mile a minute as I hurriedly pushed the button for Zakera and prayed for the doors to close without him joining me. When they finally came together, I breathed out and tried desperately to clear my mind.

No such luck.

 _I can't, I can't, can't WHAT? Can't keep your mouth shut? No, he knows the importance of secrets, so that's not it. That means he can't promise not to hate me, LOVELY._ I ran my fingers through my hair, coming up short when I tried to give it a pull. Grasping the ends of a lock, I flicked it into view. Scrutinizing it, I sighed.

 _I need a stylist. And a spa day. BAD._

After messaging Kasumi, I headed to the salon she suggested and waited for her. Once she arrived, the girls behind the counter immediately recognized her and brought us into a room in the back for 'intense services'. Apparently those services included neck, shoulder and foot massage, plus everything to do with hair and nails. It was heaven.

"I totally needed this, thank you so much Kass," I sighed, my hand in the possession of a lovely young Asari who was very gifted in painting tiny daggers on each of my nails. I smiled at her then turned to Kasumi. "I don't suppose they can make my hair longer? I'm used to it being almost down to my waist, this tiny mop-head is annoying."

Kasumi's hand flew up, waving to one of the other Asari across the room, "Gella, my friend would like her hair lengthened." 'Gella' then nodded with a smile and left the room, returning with an odd looking contraption. It looked like an old fashioned hair dryer, the kind you sit in front of and a cover comes down over your head. She set it behind me on the floor and went about setting it up.

"How does _that_ make your hair longer?" I laughed, pointing to it as I looked over at Kasumi.

She smiled and winked, "Just like everything else in this place, Sam," she snapped her fingers. " _Magic._ "

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kasumi and I made it back to the ship a few hours later, hitting The Dark Star Lounge on the way. The place was busy for the afternoon but when you have perpetual daylight I guess anytime is beer-thirty.

A few Turians had taken an interest in us, buying drink after drink until I was sure I'd had more than enough. Having mastered the art of dispensing with beverages on the sly, I found a fake plant near one end of the bar and hovered there, dumping the liquid harmlessly into the pot until it was finally time to leave.

We were stumbling a little and giggling a lot as we made it onto the ramp, Joker having opened it when Kasumi sang over comms, "Knock knock!".

I stole his hat as we walked by, dropping it onto Kasumi's head as we held onto each other to stay upright. I tried shushing her, more than once, but she was insistent on making sure everyone knew not to tell Shepard. It was never clear what Shepard wasn't supposed to know, but whatever.

As we made it into the elevator, I released her to fall against the wall and pushed the button to go down to our room. The doors closed and she blurted out laughing, startling me.

"Wow Kass, you are _hammered_ ," I laughed, pushing some hair away from her face.

She smiled up at me, having slid down the wall slightly, "Yup. And it's _fun_."

The doors opened and I took her arm across my shoulders, half dragging her to our destination. I flopped her down onto her bed then picked up her feet, removing her boots. She mumbled something then rolled over, facing the wall. Smiling, I gave her shoulder a pat and went over to my area.

A spot of something caught my attention on the silver bedspread I'd become accustomed to. As I got closer I realized it was a data pad, and picked it up. When I read the first few words I realized it was from John and dropped it back on the bed. _Really? Why? Why would he do this?_ I shook my head and looked away from the display. _No, I can't let my emotions get the best of me. He made himself…_

 _Clear?_ I shook my head, realizing I didn't give him time to clarify or explain.

Turning back to the bed, I picked up the data pad and slowly brought the words into my field of vision.

 _Samantha,_

 _I need you to know why I couldn't make the promises you asked._

 _When you first revealed who you were, you talked about your orders, and the reverence in your eyes reminded me of myself. I'll admit, at first I was resistant to the whole thing, but the more I thought about it the more I realized if our roles were reversed I would be just as adamant._

 _When we were on the veranda on the Citadel I saw that same look in your eye, except this time you were willing to break that vow. I don't know your reasons, I didn't get a chance to ask, but I knew that I couldn't let you do it._

 _Your job and your loyalties are extremely important to you and I would not allow you to compromise yourself or your standing with the Alliance, especially not for me._

 _I care too much._

 _John_

"Ah fuck," I growled, reading the letter again and again. The guilt pooled in my gut with every word. _How did I know I was the one who would feel guilty in the end?_

Finally I sat down on the bed and dropped the pad, _WOW I feel like a fool._ I scrubbed my face with my hands, amazed at the fact that I still always thought the worst when things don't quite go the way I planned.

Sighing, I looked back over at the pad and picked it back up. Glancing over the words, the last line grabbed my attention. ' _I care too much._ '

I wiped my face with my free hand and shook my head, "Shit," I mumbled as I looked at the clock. It was less than halfway through the third shift, no way was he awake. Add to that I was still slightly intoxicated and I decided to stay put. _Nothing good could come of me knocking on his door in the middle of the night, best to just sleep it off._

Depositing the pad in a drawer, I pulled out my pajamas and dressed for bed. As I pulled the covers over me, I let out a frustrated yet elated sigh. _He cares too much._

 _Yeah, I know how you feel._

"Miss Reid and Miss Goto have returned, Commander," EDI's voice came over John's comm as he sat on the couch in his quarters, datapad in hand.

He looked up, more out of habit than necessity, and nodded, "Thank you EDI." Looking over at the clock, he saw the late time and sighed. _At least_ someone _had a good time._

In an attempt to refrain from hunting down Sam and explaining himself, John had stayed in his room going over data The Illusive Man had provided pertaining to an abandoned reaper Cerberus had discovered orbiting Mnemosyne. Apparently the science team sent there to study it hadn't been heard from in some time and TIM wanted him to look into it.

Regardless, he was tempted to go to Samantha, try to talk to her, but he realized he'd never encountered an intoxicated Sam and wasn't sure it was the proper time for it. She had proven that, straight, she could take him down easily. Alcohol may just enhance her abilities and he was not going to test that theory, especially with the chance there would be witnesses.

All he could do was hope the datapad he'd left on her bed would help ease the tension, even if it didn't alleviate it completely. Realizing he was unable to focus yet again, he pinched the bridge of his nose. _Damn, that woman drives me to distraction._

"Commander," Samara's voice came over the comm, "I need to discuss something with you, should you have the time."

John smiled, glad for something else to focus on, "Sure Samara, I'm on my way.".

I woke the next day later than intended, about an hour past my normal time, and jumped up when I realized it. Taking a few steps toward Kasumi's bed, I saw she was still there and smiled. _I don't feel so bad now._

I grabbed my things for a shower and washed up, returning to dress when John's voice came over the comms, "Sam, do you copy?".

My heart instantly jumped to my throat and my attempt to clear it was only slightly successful, "Go ahead," I replied, croaking a bit.

It took him a few seconds but he finally responded, "I have something I'd like your take on, can you meet me in the Communications Room?"

I sighed with relief, _Back to routine, this I can do._ "On my way," I said as I pulled a gray tank top over my head, dragged on a pair of black leggings and slipped on some black flats, pulling my still damp hair back into a ponytail as I headed out the door.

When I reached the Comm Room, John was there with Samara, both bent over a screen. When the door closed behind me they still didn't look up so I cleared my throat, smiling when they finally noticed me.

"What can I help with?" I asked as I moved toward them.

John quirked an eyebrow at me, "Your hair…"

I smiled, proud of my new long locks, "Yeah, I got it lengthened yesterday. It's more my style."

A gentle smile spread across his face, "It suits you."

I gave him an appreciative nod, "Thank you."

For a few moments there was silence, John and I just looking at each other until Samara cleared her throat. John's cheeks flushed ever so slightly and I barely contained the giggle bubbling up my throat.

He looked at Samara, who nodded, then back at me, "We have a situation." He paused, seemingly to choose his words carefully, then continued, "Samara has been looking for her daughter for some time, she has left a trail of bodies behind her and is extremely dangerous. As a Justicar, Samara wants to be the one to stop her. We did some recon last night and we think we've found her."

I shifted my eyes from him to Samara, "What can you tell me about her?"

The Asari raised her chin slightly, either in offence or to brace herself I wasn't sure, "My daughter, Morinth, is an Ardat-Yakshi. She has a rare genetic disorder that causes the afflicted to kill anyone they meld with. I do not know how familiar you are with our culture…"

"I've been doing a lot of reading as of late," I said as I nodded. "I know words on a page do not do anyone _true_ justice, but I have a good idea of what you're talking about."

Samara's nod could not have been more remorseful, "She is, as Shepard stated, extremely dangerous, and we now know she is on Omega." She looked from me to John, then back at me. "Each time she kills she becomes smarter, stronger, faster and she has been killing for 400 years. I want to be sure you are both prepared for what you face."

I couldn't stop my eyes from widening at that, "Wow. Ok, is there a way to stop her, maybe take her off guard?"

The Asari seemed to deflate slightly, "It would be difficult. She also has the ability to confuse her victims, twist their desires to want only her." Samara glanced at John, "She will be a formidable adversary."

I nodded my agreement, "So what's the plan?"

John gestured to get my attention, "It's not much of one, but basically I will try to seduce her into taking me back to her place and we can take her out there."

My jaw dropped, "What?! After what she just said? No, not a chance." I shook my head defiantly and stared him down. His eyes slowly turned that electric blue I remembered from the med bay but I scoffed. "Give me the stink-eye all you want, sending you in alone is a bad idea and _you_ know it."

John crossed his arms, "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself," he insisted stubbornly.

I shook my head, "That's not the point." I chewed on my lower lip before speaking, forming each sentence in my head. "Alright, explain to me how you will 'seduce' her."

John smirked, slowly dropping his arms to his sides, "Do you want a demonstration?"

Again, I scoffed, although the look in his eyes radiated heat through my entire body, " _Explain._ "

"Fine," he relented, still smirking. "She likes danger, bad boys. I will walk in and make my presence known, then establish dominance in some way."

Crossing my arms, I smiled defiantly at him as I set him up, "Really? So you're going to _improvise_ , huh?"

He nodded.

I leered at him, "Just like you did with that kid on the catwalk?"

He gave me a half-hearted sneer, "How did I know you'd bring that up?"

Sensing I was getting nowhere, I dropped the sarcasm and placed a hand on his arm, lowering my voice, "Because I care about what happens to you... _and_ I don't think this is up your alley." Again I stared him down, although gentler than before, and he relented slightly.

"Look," he whispered, taking hold of the hand I'd placed on his arm and giving it a warm squeeze, "I understand your concern. But what are you suggesting? That _you_ go in? You have limited experience with Asari and even less with Ardat-Yakshi."

I took a half-step closer, but pulled my hand from his grasp, "Agreed, but sex is sex." I looked over at Samara, "Is it safe to assume she will find me physically attractive?"

Samara looked me up and down, then nodded, "Yes, I believe so."

I looked back up at John, "I've got experience in _spades_ seducing people and as far as getting her attention, I'm the bigger asshole so I'm sure I can manage." Summoning my best 'cocky, arrogant prick' look I gave him a wink.

He stared me down with heat in his eyes then glanced over at Samara, "Could you give us a minute?". She nodded and left the room.

Once the door shut he crossed his arms, "What is this really about?" His eyes bored into mine. Feeling the tension pour off of him, I knew he was angry, or at least genuinely upset with me and it didn't compute immediately as to why.

I held his eyes, the heat of his gaze warming my face, "I-what?".

He dropped his arms and stepped just a hint closer, "Samantha, tell me why are you insisting on being the bait.".

I gave him a confused look, even though I had an idea as to what he was digging for, "I've already told you, I have experience that you don't."

Another half-step and he was nose to nose with me, "The _real_ reason."

His breath on my face and the burning in his eyes was threatening to drive me mad. I was struggling to control my own breathing and my heart was beating out of my chest. _How the hell can I think straight when you're throwing my hormones into overdrive?_

Taking a deep breath, I attempted to pull myself together, "I have no idea-"

"Bullshit." He took hold of my arms, giving me a gentle squeeze. "Say it."

"Say what?" I breathed out.

I realized in that moment his eyes had changed again, going from that electric blue to the color of the Pacific after a storm. The warm water lapping at the shores and the serenity of the sea at night reminded me so much of John, the way he always brought me back from the brink.

Just then his eyes turned sad, "You think you're disposable."

I opened my mouth to argue but nothing came out, only a small strangled noise that amounted to silence. He was right, he was completely and totally correct and there was no arguing it. Looking up into his eyes, I realized how much I really affected him…

And how much he really affected me.

His gentle sigh made my heart skip a beat, "Sam, you are not disposable." Resting his forehead on mine, I closed my eyes as he ran his thumb along the skin on my arm and shook his head slightly.

"Not to me."

Suddenly the door opened and, not happy at being interrupted, I clenched my fists and my teeth to refrain from biting someone's head off. Taking a breath to remain calm, I opened my eyes and slowly stepped back, turning to see Samara with an anxious look on her face.

"I have confirmation she is in The Afterlife, right now," she said, then, with a nod, left again.

Looking back at John I sighed, "Duty calls…"

He huffed out a laugh and shook his head, "Of course it does."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I quickly went to my room, changing into a slinky black dress I borrowed from Kasumi. Throwing on some heels and make-up, I let my hair down before heading to the ramp to meet Samara and John.

On the way they filled me in on the meeting they'd had with the last victim's mother, talking about the holo-log the girl had been keeping and the details of conversations she'd had with the Asari.

I took in all the information and formulated a plan in my head, "Ok, got it. How do I get into the place?"

John put an armored hand on my arm, "Tell the bouncer Jaruut sent you."

I nodded and smiled as I adjusted my dress, pulling up the bottom and down the top, revealing a bit more skin, "Ok, all set."

John gripped my arm, "Remember, keep your comm on and if you need help we will be right there."

I nodded, "Got it. If I start talking about palm reading, come in shooting." John gave me a confused look to which I shrugged, "You'd be surprised how easy it is to work into _any_ conversation."

He returned the shrug and nodded, "Got it." He squeezed my arm and gave me a small nervous smile. "Be _careful_ Sam, seriously."

My lips curled slightly as my heart did a little flip, "I will. Promise."

A long, meaningful stare later he released me…

Right into the lion's den.


	22. Chapter 22

_**I want to apologize for the hiatus, my computer bit the dust and I had to let my corporate office play with it for two weeks to get it back up and running. So sorry!**_

 _ **And thank you Miss Amyress, for always knowing when to tell me to shut up and post. )**_

 _ **Just a note, when you see this**_

 _ **/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**_

 _ **It means there is a pov shift.**_

 _ **When you see this**_

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 _ **It means some time has passed. Just in case it wasn't clear. :)**_

Once I got past the bouncer, I was stopped by a guy in hysterics looking for tickets to see some band, Expel 10, in concert. At first I was annoyed but then he mentioned an Asari was interested in the band so I humored him, finding out that they were a 'sensory band that crawled into your mind' and apparently the Asari loved them. His glazed over look and obvious obsession convinced me he was under my quarry's spell so I filed the info away for later.

Once I assured him I had no tickets, I was able to slip away to get into the proper mindset. Normally that would only take me a minute but, for some reason (aka John Shepard), it was proving difficult to focus. I closed my eyes and did some breathing exercises, visualizing the emotion flowing out of me and bringing in clarity. Taking a few more breaths, I was feeling pretty confident so I headed toward the bar area.

Slowly, I sauntered around, scanning the area. Not immediately spotting any suspicious Asari, I continued to move through the crowd until I reached the dance floor.

"Come on baby, I have creds," I heard a male voice, a very _Turian_ male voice, whine. "We'll go back to my place, I have simple tastes…" Knowing that tone, I gave the area one last glance before I turned to see what was going on.

"Back off asshole," a young Asari shoved the 'smooth talker' in the chest, "I'm a dancer, not a hooker!"

Her response only seemed to entice him. "You got a mouth on you," he said gleefully, "I'll enjoy watching you use it!"

I couldn't take another second, stepping between them I glared menacingly at the obviously intoxicated man, "She wants no part of you," I practically growled, "I suggest you take the hint and move on."

He scoffed, "You want in on this transaction? I don't care if it's you or this bitch, I just like good times."

As he took another step toward me my lips curled into a snarl. _I'm going to enjoy this._

As soon as he was in range I jabbed him in the throat, sending him into a choking fit. As he bent over, struggling to breathe, a hard kick to the face sent him flying across the dance floor and onto his back, blissfully unconscious. I walked over and nudged him with my foot to confirm, then looked over at the young dancer.

She smiled at me gratefully, "Thanks for that, security was asleep." I nodded and she walked away.

I walked up to the bar and ordered a shot, downing it quickly before heading back to the dance floor. An intoxicated Asari gave me a wink and a nod as she attempted to move with the music so I smiled and began dancing with her.

Once the song ended and another started up I gave her a small wave and stepped off the floor. As I headed for the seating area, an Asari stepped out from the shadows, one who bore a striking resemblance to Samara. _Here we go..._

"My name is Morinth," she purred, "I've been watching you. You're the most interesting person in this place. I've got a booth over here in the shadows," she nodded in the direction of a table behind her, "Why don't you come sit with me?"

Saying nothing, I simply smiled, nodded and followed. As soon as she'd spoken to me my hackles rose, instinct screaming at me to get as far away from her as possible. I had to use controlled breathing to calm them so I could even continue after her.

When we reached the large, half-round booth, she sat on one side and I sat opposite her, crossing my legs and looking around subtly before making eye contact. _Patience, let her be the aggressor. You just need to get her back to her apartment._

Seemingly bored, she let out a small sigh, "Some nights I come here and there's no one interesting to talk to. Some nights, there's just one person." She tilted her head in question. "Tonight it's you, why is that?"

I sat back, shrugging, "I felt the need to get out, have a few drinks and be surrounded by some good music." My lips curled. "Great minds think alike."

Morinth smiled back, "Do they? What am I thinking now?" _Ok, time to poke the hive._

Feigning looking at her closely, I nodded, "You're thinking you'd like another drink, but what's in front of you is _far_ more _enticing_." I adjusted an arm, just barely pushing up my cleavage but when her eyes moved to it her smile subtly widened before she looked up again. I took the opportunity to move along the conversation. "I have to say, I enjoy the music here but it doesn't compare to Expel 10."

Morinth instantly became excited, "They get in my head and tear it to pieces. They're in concert soon, maybe we should go together."

I noted that she seemed sincere in her wish to go to the concert, but there was still a hint of duplicity in her voice. That and something else, something I couldn't quite put my finger on but it made me uneasy.

The air in the room suddenly felt thicker. I took a deep breath in through my nose to check for some kind of change, but it seemed fine. Then I thought maybe there was something in my eyes, there was a mist in the air around Morinth, so I closed them tight then opened them quickly to clear them. I could still see it and that heaviness didn't go away either.

I looked back into my companion's eyes and the look she was giving me made me… warm. Too warm.

She sighed again, "I like the music here too, you can lose yourself." She paused, her expression going placid again, then continued, "There are also ways to _enhance_ that." Her grin told me she was shifting gears, testing me. _Game face on._

I nodded, "Like Hallex?"

Morinth's eyes got wide, "It slithers through my soul." Her expression became thoughtful. "Seems like we share some interests."

I looked away, as if considering something, but it was to try to regain some control over my body. Between my rising temperature and the heaviness of the room, I almost felt lightheaded. Almost, but it wasn't quite that, it was… something else.

I looked back at her, "Alright, then what do you think of the artist Forta, the elcor?"

Her surprise at my comment turned to elation, "I didn't think anyone around here knew him. He's sublime." She shifted her posture and continued, "Art comes in so many varieties, I've seen vids that were more powerful than a sculpture sitting in some gallery."

 _Her voice is…_ I blinked a few times, trying to focus. _No, snap out of it. She's..._

My body moved of its own volition as I leaned forward, resting a forearm on the table in front of me, "Have you seen Vaenia?"

Her grin became dark, almost sinister but I _felt_ like she was… _beautiful_ , "My favorite, " she replied, "The two actresses on it are so glamorous." Her voice was like satin, brushing across my shoulders and up my neck, leaving behind a sensitized trail... like a lover's tongue across bare skin. _No, wait, this is not... I need to take back control._

"I've heard great things," I replied, unintentionally lowering my voice to just above a whisper, "I'll have to make sure to watch it now."

"Maybe we could do that together," she responded, matching my tone. Her eyes, I couldn't stop staring into her eyes. _You are the predator, she is the prey. Your objective, remember your objective. Change the subject, maybe that will help._

"I've travelled quite a bit in my time, what about you?" I asked as I pinched my leg under the table, _hard_. _Come on, Sam, snap out of it. FOCUS._

"It changes you, doesn't it?" she asked, keeping her voice low, her eyes hooded.

 _Shit, this is not good,_ "Of course, encountering strange places and different people tend to do that. But it's only made me stronger."

Her interest seemed to peak, "I'll bet you've seen and done things most people couldn't imagine." Still struggling to maintain control of myself, I simply gave her a nod and stared back at her. She sighed, "When I travel, I find myself drawn to dark, dangerous places."

Barely following her line of thought, I shrugged, "Anything else is dull. Besides, you don't truly know yourself until you've looked death in the face… and beat it."

"Mmm, violence. The surest expression of power." Her eyes glittered with the promise of things to come.

Feeling more than hearing what she said, I felt my body temperature rising again and swallowed, trying to bring everything back under control. Frustrated with the entire situation, I looked down and noticed that at some point I'd uncrossed my legs so I brought them back together and looked up at her. Once again her eyes grabbed hold of me and I felt that cloud slowly come down over my head. _I am so fucked..._

"Power," I paused, still straining every muscle I had to keep them in check, "The word itself holds so much meaning, but no matter where you are in the galaxy, it is the _ultimate_ goal."

"Do you want to get out of here?" she asked hurriedly. "My apartment is nearby... and I want you _alone_ ," she whispered, her words slithering across my skin and making me unusually warm in _other places_.

Ready for the charade to end, I nodded toward the exit and slowly stood, making sure my legs held up and walked as close to her as possible. I was so relieved the rouse had worked I suddenly felt more confident, so when my hand unintentionally brushed hers I glanced in her direction, making sure she caught my look then set my eyes back on our path. Skin on skin contact was a great way to enhance someone's interest and being caught staring was a bonus but I soon realized she had already turned the tables on me.

Her proximity was absorbing, pulling on my insides, making me want more, and her scent was engulfing me even though I could have sworn I detected no perfume when we first met. Feeling my control slipping, I bit the inside of my cheek, using the pain to try to bring me back to reality. _You are the predator, she is the prey. She is a killer and you have to complete your objective. John…_

The door to Morinth's flat closed behind us and everything went black.

 _ **/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**_

"Sam, Sam come in. Cough if you can hear me," John whispered insistently into the comms. Getting no response, he looked anxiously at Samara who was keeping stride with him as they hurried toward Morinth's layer. "We have to move," he said and broke out into a run.

Rounding the corner, he stopped in front of the Asari's door, motioning to the Justicar. Taking the hint, Samara stepped in front of it and powered up her biotics, blowing the thing completely off.

As he rushed past her and into the apartment he saw Morinth straddling Sam on the couch. The smaller human sat completely still, her arms at her sides and her eyes black, as a tiny, strangled cry came from her mouth.

Enraged, John aimed his gun at the Ardat-Yakshi's back, "Get the _fuck_ off her, NOW!"

Just then, a blast of blue shot into his view, sending Morinth flying across the room and into a window. The glass cracked profusely as the Asari's body was pressed into it by the blue energy but Sam didn't move, her eyes still black and mouth partially open.

John holstered his weapon and rushed across the room, cradling Samatha's head in one hand while the other searched for signs of life, "Shit, she's not breathing and I can't find a pulse!"

"Get her out of here Shepard," the Justicar ground out, obviously struggling to hold her daughter in place. "I will finish this."

Barely keeping his panic at bay, John picked up Sam's prone form from the couch and made his way out the door Samara had decimated. _Diana is two blocks over, she'll be safe there._

Afraid for Samara and terrified for Sam, John kicked the door a few times, "Diana, please, it's John Shepard, please, open up!"

The door slid open to reveal a surprised Diana, "Commander, what-"

Not willing to waste any time, John breezed by her, resting Samantha on the sofa then turning to the other woman, "I will be right back, can you please just keep her here?" He looked down at Sam, swallowing the lump in his throat, "She's injured and I don't know how badly."

Diana moved to stand next to John, putting a hand on his arm, "It was that Asari, wasn't it?" He glanced at her and nodded. Her expression hardening, she returned the nod. "Of course, I'll keep her safe. Go." John nodded, gave the unconscious woman one last glance then ran back out the door.

When he got back to Morinth's apartment, the two Asari were locked in a biotic battle. Neither stronger than the other, they were both pinned and unable to overcome their prisons.

"You," Morinth called, "Help me and I will give you anything you ask! Anything you require, it's yours!"

"I am already sworn to help you Shepard," Samara shouted, "Let us finish this!"

Without hesitation, John glared at Morinth, "That woman you had pinned to the sofa?" He pulled out his HMW and aimed it at her chest. "This is from her."

When he pulled the trigger, he made sure it wasn't a kill shot, just something to cause her as much pain as possible and disable her. She fell to the ground like a rag doll, satisfying him greatly.

He'd decided he would leave her life in Samara's hands, she'd waited centuries to catch her daughter and he wouldn't take that from her. Needing to see with his own eyes the person who'd hurt Sam was truly dead, he watched intently as the older Asari wished her child to find peace then smashed her head in.

 _Good._

"Sorry to cut this short," he crossed the room and put a hand on Samara's arm, "but I left Sam at Diana's and she was in bad shape."

The Asari nodded, "Of course, let's go."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

When they reached the tiny apartment, Diana was sitting on the couch with Sam's head in her lap. Worry had overtaken the mother's expression as she caressed the unconscious woman's face. _No…_

"Shepard," Samara had her hand on John's arm, trying to get his attention. "I can try to meld with her, see if I can bring her back…"

John shook his head, not taking his eyes off Samantha, "I don't think another invasion of her mind would do much good," he said, then realized how that could have been taken, "Samara, I…"

She smiled, a knowing smile, and gestured to their ally, "I understand. See if you can wake her. If not I will meld just long enough to bring her out of it then we can get her to Dr. Chakwas."

John nodded then looked to Diana. She smiled and lifted Sam's head, just enough for her to get out from under her, then rested it back on the couch. Going into another room, she closed the door behind her.

He lifted Sam up off the couch then turned to sit, resting her on his lap. He cradled her head and checked for a pulse. _Strong and steady_ , he sighed with relief then, looking at her sleeping face, guilt settled in. _This is my fault._ He leaned her against his chest then rested his cheek on her forehead, slowly rubbing her back in an attempt to rouse her.

"Sam, please, wake up…"

 _ **/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**_

 _This has to be a dream, it can't be real,_ I thought as I stared at my surroundings. Darkness enveloped me but for some reason I could see my own body as if there were a spotlight aimed at it. Looking up, I saw no such thing, just an inky blackness that seemed to ebb and flow, as if it had a life of its own. _At least the snakes are gone_ , I shivered at the thought.

After walking into Morinth's apartment, all I could remember was the feeling of slithering inside my brain, then pain. Excruciating pain all over my body, like electricity pumping through my veins non-stop. Snakes writhing around in my mouth, choking me as they slithered into my skull and a searing scourge pulsing throughout my being, it lasted for what seemed like forever...

Then suddenly it all stopped, and I was on the floor, in a darkened room. Alone.

 _I'll deal with all that later, for now I have to focus._ Pushing all that aside, I realized I had to take some kind of action. _Ok, think._

Leaning on my hand and my hip, my legs were curled alongside me. I tried to straighten them out but they didn't move. _Great, guess I'm going nowhere._ I reached out to touch them but my 'hands' felt nothing. _This is either a dream or I'm stuck in my own head. Considering who I just went home with, probably the latter._

I continued to look around but the darkness was all I could see, swirls of smoke flowing into odd directions, as if it were moving independently of the air. _Ok, I can't just sit here. FOCUS!_

Blocking everything else out, I honed in on myself. My body, my mind, I visualized it surrounded by a light blue cloud of warmth and healing. I let it flow through me, pushing out the negative and pulling in the relief.

But the snakes weren't done with me.

I sensed them before I saw them, my eyes popping open. Sneaking into my safe space, they slithered across the floor toward me as I watched in terror. They penetrated my skin and crawled into my chest, wrapping around my heart and squeezing. Using the meditation technique, I tried to force them out, but was only successful in getting rid of some. The rest latched on and refused to let go.

Just then a scent permeated the darkness. _Is that…_ I breathed in through my nose and smiled.

 _John!_

Ecstatic, I held on to the blue that surrounded me and kept pumping it into my body. Relaxed breath in, relaxed breath out and the snakes' hold on me started to loosen.

I was exhausted, unable to see anymore and also unable to move but I could _feel_ a warmth around me. It wasn't like the one I'd drawn on, it was more intense. Not so much a physical heat, more like an emotion.

I tried to open my eyes to no avail, whatever spell I was under wasn't done with me yet. All I could do was take in the scent of John and the emotion all around me, that and hope I would be able to snap out of it.

Then I felt a hand on my back, slowly moving up and down, and the smell of John's cologne was more intense. Struggling, desperate to awaken, I grit my teeth and tried to growl, doing anything I could to snap out of it.

Just then, something _did_ snap and I felt someone's breath on my face.

A bit groggy and still fearful of the snakes, I took a breath and slowly opened my eyes. I looked around a little and, not quite recognizing my surroundings, I tried to move but felt strong arms holding me still. I turned my head enough to see the neck of John's armor and my body stiffened, embarrassment flooding through me but I couldn't help but relax when I heard his voice.

"Hey," he whispered, giving me a squeeze as he looked down at me, "how do you feel?"

I just stared up at him, not feeling quite safe enough to smile, "Head hurts," I whispered. _And I have a feeling those snakes will be back._

He nodded and lifted me in his arms, "I'll get you to the doc, she'll fix you up in no time."

"Samantha," I heard Samara's voice from behind me. John turned so I could see her, the expression on her face one of remorse and gratitude. "Thank you, you put yourself in great peril to assist me and I truly appreciate it."

I nodded, "I'd do it again." My words or my expression must have unsettled her because she became more concerned and looked at John.

"You should get her back to the ship," she urged, "I will thank Diana and explain everything to her. She deserves at least that."

John nodded, "Agreed. See you back at the Normandy."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Well, _physically_ , you look fine," Doctor Chakwas said as she looked over her datapad. _Physically, why would she say that word specifically?_

"But…" I looked at her expectantly. _There's more to it, I can tell by her expression. Her eyebrows knit together when she doesn't like what she sees._ I waited, knowing she would tell me when she had it all formulated in her mind. Eventually.

She hummed to herself, scrolling through the information she'd gotten from the battery of tests she'd performed. I'd been on that scanning table for almost an hour so I knew she had a lot to sort out. I'd been there so long she even got tired of John's questions and kicked him out. She was right though, physically I felt fine. Neck and back muscles were a little stiff but nothing a little exercise and stretching wouldn't cure.

But then there was my head. I was still foggy and I couldn't let go of the anxiety those snakes had caused. I could still see them crawling across the floor toward me, feel them slithering around inside my brain, my chest, my mouth…

Silently I gagged a little then sighed, _this shit had better go away_ , "Come on, Doc, what's the story?" My frustration came out in that sentence but it wasn't aimed at her and she knew it, her eyes slowly moving up to meet mine with a mock sneer. I stuck out my lower lip in apology.

Giving me that 'sad mom' look, Doc smiled, "I know you're eager for answers and probably sick of sitting here, why don't you go clean up and get something to eat? I'll call for you when I have something."

My discontentment with that statement burst forth, "Oh my God Doc, just tell me what you see."

She was shocked, probably at my tone, but I couldn't hold it back. There was something going on in my head, something I could _feel_ , something that was affecting my every thought and action, and I needed to know every detail to try to fix it.

 _Please let there be a way to fix it._

Doc sighed, then turned to allow me to see her data pad, "Ok...

"Here is what I know."


	23. Chapter 23

_**A nice long chapter to apologize for taking up my other fic even though I haven't finished this one. I can't get it out of my head so I will have to share my time.**_

 _ **Thank you much to Miss Amyress!**_

 _ **And I hope to hear from my white-glove committee, as well as my critics! Please review!**_

Sitting on my bed, legs crossed and arms resting on my knees, I finished off my unknown # glass of bourbon as I stared out the window into the vastness of space. All of the stars were so brilliant, so beautiful, that it was difficult to tear my eyes away, and the fact that there were planets around almost all of those stars had me in awe. _I guess it will always amaze me how huge humanity's reality has become, and how small I actually am._

That all too familiar knot returned to my gut, the one that would sometimes engulf me and make me do foolish things. Fear, helplessness, frustration with not being in control of my own life, it all bubbled up to the surface until it materialized once again in tears. _Thank God Kasumi isn't here,_ I thought as I wiped them away with the same sleeve as last time, _I'm a hot mess._

After spending a few hours with Dr. Chakwas, grilling her on her findings, I'd headed over to Samara's quarters to see what information she could add. She didn't have anything concrete but she promised to send out some queries and let me know what she found. I'd nodded my thanks and headed to my room...

And started drinking.

The good doctor had done several different scans on my brain, including some similar to PET, MRI and CT scans except the tests _she_ conducted were very much more advanced. So much so that not only was she looking at the different patterns the neurons were firing in but she could narrow down the waves for thought processes, personality traits, even tell if I _planned_ to lie to her. It was fascinating and terrifying at the same time. Terrifying in that she could tell my 'waves' were not my own.

Not having a lot of information on Ardat Yakshi and what their defect was comprised of, she couldn't tell exactly how I had been affected or what was going on with me. What she could tell me, however, was that parts of my brain were inexplicably different from scans before my encounter, in ways that should not be possible. And then, on a hunch, she compared them to Kalya Martin's. They matched.

I, of course, went immediately to the worst-case scenario and abruptly left the med-bay. After that I went to speak to Samara and, when I got nowhere, I locked myself in my room to try to process everything.

How does one process the possibility of the person whose body they took over taking it back, sending you into oblivion? They get very drunk and then they cry. So that's what I did until Kasumi walked in and caught me.

"Oh no," she whined, rushing over to my bedside and plopping down next to me. "Sammy, what's wrong? What happened?" Wrapping her arms around me, she snuggled her nose into my hair. "Talk to me. What can I do?" I just cried harder.

"OK," she sighed, holding me tighter, "I've got you." Reaching behind us, she piled up the pillows so we could rest against them. Pulling me back she smoothed my frizzed hair and sighed. "I've got you."

We stayed there for a while, her wiping my hair from my face and occasionally my tears, until the sobs waned and I was able to breathe normally. I was on the verge of falling asleep when she nudged me.

"Better?" she asked, looking down at me as I rested my head on her shoulder. I looked up and nodded, wiping my nose on my sleeve and making her giggle. "OK, little one, let me get you a tissue."

Kasumi got up, grabbed the tissue box and returned to my side. After I blew my nose a few times I felt a little better, so she sat opposite me as I proceeded to tell her what had transpired in the last 8 hours leading up to my bourbon-infested breakdown.

She pressed her finger tip to her chin thoughtfully, "So Doc says parts of your brain look similar to Kayla's?"

I nodded, "Yep. So of course my mind goes to the darkest scenario…" I shook my head, looking toward the window. "It would figure." I felt her hand on mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. I swallowed in anticipation for what I was about to admit, something I hadn't uttered out loud to anyone.

But the person I was speaking to wasn't just anyone, it was Kasumi.

She and I had bonded from the start. Her sense of humor and ability to compromise, plus the fact that we both loved bourbon, made us the most likely pair of smart-asses in the galaxy. We made whatever situation we were stuck in as fun as possible, even if it made John groan more than once. At least we entertained Garrus.

Once I'd gotten clearance to talk about myself to those I 'trusted implicitly' from my handler, I mulled it over for a few days before I made a very short list. When I thought about who I would talk to about this very sensitive, very messy situation, she was at the top of that list. I had no doubt that, even if she couldn't relate, she wouldn't judge either.

"When my husband died, " I began, taking a breath, "my whole world shattered. He was everything to me, my strength, my normalcy, my heart... With him gone I didn't feel anything anymore, nor did I much care what happened next, ya know?" I looked back at her, seeing the understanding in her eyes.

Sadly, she smiled and nodded, "I know _exactly_ what you mean."

I felt a tug on my heart for her, wondering what she meant, but filed it away for later, "When the agency finally let me go back to work, I took the more dangerous jobs, the ones that sent agents to their graves. But I kept coming back.

"After my third 'trip' a higher up called me into her office. When I walked in she motioned for me to shut the door and made me sign a waiver before she would discuss anything with me.

"Project Lazarus," I said, using my hands to make quotes in the air. "A black op to attempt to prove the theory of reincarnation. Sounds totally sci-fi and extremely deadly, right?" Kasumi nodded profusely, obviously hanging on my every word. I shook my head, "Nope. None of the above, and I am proof." I raised my arms, taking a bow then sighing. "Again, didn't get what I wanted.

"But Kass," I took her hands in mine, looking her dead in the eye, "I got so much more.

"I got the will to live back, I got friends, friends that I _trust_ , I never thought I'd have that. I even fell for a man…" As my mouth clamped shut I cursed the bottle next to my bed.

Kasumi's face lit up as she took her hands back and pointed at me, "I knew it," she deadpanned.

Not willing to give in to the idea just yet, I gave her a playful sneer, "Nuh uh."

She smiled wide and nodded her head, "Uh huh! And you two are so cute! How can you keep your hands off of that man?" She shook her head and crossed her arms, "No way I could. We'd be horizontal more than vertical."

I slapped her arm playfully as I laughed, "Kasumi! Behave yourself!"

She slapped me back, "Seriously, how have I not seen you guys making out in the hall? You're both so… virile." She wagged her eyebrows at me with a merciless grin.

I sighed, realizing it was time to level with her and myself, "I haven't told him." When her mouth began to open in protest I put up a hand to silence her so I could continue. "I haven't told him because I was afraid. Afraid it wouldn't work, afraid it would, afraid he didn't feel the same, afraid he'd find out things about me and bolt…" I shook my head, looking down in my lap then back up at her. "Flat out I was just afraid.

"And now…" I felt the tears threaten to make another appearance but I willed them back. "Now it's too late."

"What?!" She spat, obviously frustrated with me. "What are you talking about?"

I laid a hand on her arm and squeezed, "Were you listening to what I told you about my mind?" I let that sink in for a few seconds then continued, "Pretty soon I won't be myself anymore. Pretty soon Kayla will have her body back and I'll be dust in the wind.

"How can I, in good conscience, pursue anything knowing that someday these eyes will open and not recognize him?" An uninvited tear rolled over my lid and down my cheek. I swatted it away, looking back down at my lap. "No, I will keep him at arm's length until this is resolved, one way or another. I can't do it, I can't drag him down this road."

Kasumi nodded, "Look, I get it. I won't push, but there is one thing you haven't mentioned." When I looked up at her, her smile was warm but her eyes were sad. "Nothing is set in stone, Doc doesn't even know what will happen so, like you said, you are 'going to the darkest scenario." She got up and, bringing the blanket up over my shoulders, she tucked me in. "But you should get some sleep, want me to put some music on?" I nodded gratefully and she put on some ocean meditation sounds, readying herself for bed as well.

I wasn't trying to make her feel better when I said I'd gotten so much more ending up on that space station. Aware I was extremely lucky to have found these people, I was grateful for every moment. I was 43 when I volunteered for Lazarus, and when I woke up I was in the body of a 32 year old woman. That alone was a pretty good deal, but waking up to those amazing blue eyes was more than I could ever have hoped for.

I fell asleep thinking about those eyes, and how much the man behind them meant to me.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"She's still sleeping," I heard Kasumi say as I slowly regained consciousness. _Who is she talking to?_

"How did she sleep, do you know?" John's low rumble of a whisper came across the room. I grumbled and slowly sat up, running my fingers through my hair.

Looking at me in almost a motherly way, Kasumi sighed, "She was tossing and turning all night."

I stuck my tongue out at her, "Tattle tale." I looked over at John.

He was smirking at me in amusement but his eyes were… warm, "Like I wouldn't be able to tell." _Damn, that voice will be the death of me._

I cleared my throat, "Yeah, anywho, so what's up?" Feeling my tummy rumble and not being entirely awake, I felt under the covers to be sure I still had leggings on and threw the blankets off. "I need coffee, can we walk?" John gestured to the door so I slipped on some shoes and we went out into the common area.

Before the door closed I heard Kasumi sigh and whisper something that I was sure was inappropriate. Rolling my eyes, I made a b-line for the coffeemaker to get a fresh cup of wake-the-hell-up and grabbed a protein bar on my way to the table. As I plopped unceremoniously into a chair John pulled out one next to me and sat.

He let me take a bite of the bar and a sip of coffee before he started, "Do you want to talk about what Dr. Chakwas had to say?" His voice was low, his tone careful. _God, why does he have to be so… amazing?_ Trying to shrug off the warm feeling in my chest, I took a long sip of coffee to avoid speaking but somehow I knew he wasn't going to let it go.

I could see out of the corner of my eye he was looking at me expectantly but I didn't have the balls to meet his eyes, "Not really, but you probably want to know." I took another bite and sighed. _Shit, these bars suck._ John stood, pushing the chair back as he did so. My eyes flew to him, unsure as to why he was leaving and afraid he was angry at me for not talking.

He dropped a hand on my shoulder, steadying me with an uncomfortable smile, "Sorry, I'll let you eat. I'll be in my quarters when you're ready." Dropping my protein bar into my lap, I reached up to touch his hand but he'd pulled away, heading straight to the elevator.

As I craned my neck to watch him round the corner I sighed heavily, then looking back down at my lap, I hissed, "You are such an _ass_!", and picked the bar back up. _Probably for the best, though. At least if he's mad at you he's not seducing you with every WORD out of his gorgeous MOUTH._ Taking another bite, I decided I'd rather be hungry and stood to throw it in the trash just as Samara entered the room.

She smiled politely and approached me, "Good, you're here. I've received word from my contacts and I have news." She looked around briefly, "Did you want some privacy?"

I gestured to my quarters, "Yeah, let's go in here and talk."

When we walked in, Kasumi stood immediately and smiled, "Hey Samara."

The Asari nodded, "Hello Kasumi." She then looked at me and I nodded.

I gestured to the stools, "Kasumi knows what's going on so we can be open." The other two women sat down as I took my place behind the bar. "Anyone want a drink?" I got strange looks from both of them until I pulled out three bottled waters and scoffed. "I'm bad but not _that_ bad."

Kasumi winked at me as she took one, "True, you _are bad_ ," and she twisted the cap off. "So what are we being open about?"

Samara took a sip from hers and gestured to me, "Regarding Samantha's condition. I spoke to some scientists at our monastery on Lesuss, where we house our Ardat-Yakshi," she eyed me to see my reaction, which was curiosity, then continued, "and they are willing to perform some tests to see if they can assist."

I measured my words carefully, unwilling to offend the Justicar, "When you say 'house', do you mean it's a prison or are they there voluntarily?"

The Asari shook her head, "They are there of their own free will. When each is discovered, we give them the option. Stay at the monastery, live in comfort and contribute to society as well as you can or be killed." The way she said it was so cold, not merciless but more calculating. Robotic. "Morinth chose option 2, as you are aware."

I nodded, "Have you sent them the scans?"

Samara nodded, "Dr. Chakwas provided them when I told her of their offer, she said they will give the scientists a 'base-line'."

I nodded, looking down at my untouched water bottle, "So they can measure between now and when I arrive the rate of decay." I felt a slap on my arm and looked up.

Kasumi's face was not pleased, "Shut up, you're going to be fine. They will figure out what's wrong and stop it. Who knows, maybe they will be able to reverse it!" She flashed a brilliant smile then sighed. "You have to be positive, little one. Otherwise your fate is sealed, and that is not what's happening here."

I took her hand in mine, giving it a squeeze as I smiled back, "Yes ma'am." Releasing it, I turned to Samara. "When are they expecting us?"

"As soon as we can get there." There was an urgency to her voice that I took note of.

Nodding, I walked around the bar and toward the door, "Ok then, time to face the music."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I stood in front of his door motionless as my heart raced. Being alone with him frightened me, but not because of him. I didn't trust myself anymore, a horrible feeling, and I didn't know what I would do or how I would react to what he might say or what _he_ might do. _What if he tries to convince me to stay? Or worse, what if he wants to stay with me while these scientist work on me?_ I shook my head, rubbing my eyes to get rid of the mental images of tubes and wires connected to every part of my body and someone in a lab coat in the corner of the room, throwing a switch.

"I'm just going to tell him what Doc found then what Samara has offered," I said to the door. "Then I will tell him we will book transport at our next stop and I will send Samara back as soon as possible. Right, easy." When I reached out to knock, the door slid open and I felt my nerve slipping. "Right," I grumbled, stepping inside.

His quarters were large, a bit larger in size than the comm room. Everything seemed to be made of a silver/blue metal, making the room feel warm. As I stepped in, I saw a desk to my right, covered in datapads, that lined two sides of a large cubby hole with an empty picture frame at the far end. Another few steps and I looked deeper into the room, seeing his bed neatly made, not a thing out of place. My eyes were locked on the large piece of furniture, noting it could fit two easily, when I heard someone clear their throat from behind me. I spun around to face them, horrified at being caught in my increasingly erotic thoughts once again.

John was standing in a small doorway off the cubby hole, leaning a forearm on the frame and smiling softly at me. He was so damned sexy in that moment my heart jumped immediately into my throat at the sight. He didn't say a word so I swallowed it back down and smiled back shyly. We'd been standing there for a few moments, just looking at each other, when he finally straightened himself and stepped toward me.

Gesturing to the area his bed was in, he held his smile, "There's a couch in there if you'd like to sit down."

My hand flew to the back of my neck, embarrassment finally taking over, "Yeah, sure." I walked down the small steps and into the larger room, noticing the couch that lined the outer wall of the cubby hole, and sat. _Holy shit, Sam, BREATHE!_ I focused on a few controlled breaths and nodded.

My eyes snapped back to him when he spoke, "Do you want a drink? You seem a little tense." Again with the smile, I wanted to kiss that smile off his face. _Wow, what the fuck is your problem? Calm down!_

I shook my head, "No thanks, it didn't go so well for me last night." He gave me a curious look, so I obliged. "I got a little hammered and Kasumi had to play mommy, that's all I'm going to say." I put up a hand to accentuate that fact, at which point he laughed, shaking his head.

As he sat down on the couch at the other end he leaned back, draping his arm along the back of it, "Alright then, so what's the situation with you?" He tried to sound casual but it came off forced, telling me that he was just as nervous about all this as I was. _No, this is a very twisted and deadly rabbit hole, he cannot follow me._ I took a breath to steady myself and looked away, collecting my thoughts. _Ok, here we go._

My eyes returned to his, "I'll start from the beginning."

As logically as possible, I went through what Chakwas found then my conversation with Samara, leaving out my bourbon-tear fest and finishing up with Samara's offer from the scientists on Lesuss. No emotion, no blame, just laying out the facts as they were presented to me in hopes of convincing him to let Samara and I go. I watched as he took it all in, his eyes giving away what he was thinking. At first there was only fear, but toward the end I thought I saw determination.

He sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands briefly before looking back at me, "Ok, I assume Samara has coordinates for this place?" I must have looked shocked because he laughed lightly as he shook his head at me. "What, did you think I would tell you no?" He stood from his seat, moving to stand between me and the table in front of me. As he sat on the metal top facing me, he reached out and took my hands in his. "I doubt I could deny you anything."

Once again my heart made its way quickly into my throat, stopping my breath and quickening my pulse. _I have no control, I literally have zero control over myself when it comes to him._ Looking into his eyes, I could see the warmth in them, giving me an idea as to what he was thinking. My chest was going to explode if I sat there longer, a very unfamiliar feeling. _Was I always like this or is this Kayla?_ I looked down at my hands, cradled by his much larger ones, and saw they were shaking.

 _This is not me,_ I insisted, and slowly pulled my hands away, "John, this is not a good idea." Rubbing them together for a few seconds, I placed them in my lap as I looked up at him, confusion plain on my face. "I may very well be gone soon, why would you want to get any more involved?"

He rested his forearms on his thighs with a sigh, almost glaring at me, "So you think this is pretty much a done deal."

A statement more than a question, but I felt it deserved an honest response, one that may piss him off, but too bad, "I think that this was never my body to begin with, so if there is a possibility of her getting it back, then she should have it." I braced myself for the backlash, knowing I'd just changed the entire dynamic of the conversation.

He visibly bristled but took a long breath before speaking, "I think I can understand why you would feel that way." The man, once again, surprised me, and I was unable to hide it, making him laugh at my expense for a second time. He shook his head, "In case you forgot, I died too." Looking down at his hands, he released a small sigh, "I can relate to not feeling like you belong, like you've _stolen_ your life."

Unable and unwilling to stop myself, I took his hands in mine, "I can guarantee you no one feels like you've _stolen_ anything. People believe in you, trust you, look up to you even. John…" I was still staring at the top of his head, his eyes pointed at the floor. Leaning forward, I rested my forehead on his crown. "Dammit, I don't deserve you. I really don't." I planted a tender kiss where my head had rested and released his hands, standing.

He finally looked up at me, an emotion I couldn't identify burning in his eyes, "When will you get it through your head, really?" He growled the last word as he stood, coming nose to nose with me, staring me straight in the eye with an intensity I hadn't seen in him before. It made me move to take a step back but he caught me by the arms, gently yet firmly holding me in place before him.

I could feel his breath on my face, feel the heat of his hands through the cloth of my shirt, even his body heat radiated off of him as we stood ever so close to each other. Staring at him dumbly, my mouth agape, it was all I could do to ensure I continued to breathe, I definitely couldn't bring words together and make a sentence. All I was able to do was stare into those blue eyes and wait for him to decide what to do with me.

Suddenly he sighed, his hand moving to his ear piece, "Yeah Miranda, what's up?" He looked away as he listened, annoyance clear in his furrowed brow. "Fine, I'll take care of it." When he turned the tech off he looked back down at me, his eyes searching. He looked as if a thought popped into his head and he reached down to the table, snatching up one of the datapads that were scattered all over it.

Handing it to me, he nodded, "Tell ya what, you read through this then tell me if you think she deserves her life back." He gestured toward the sofa, "Stay as long as you like, I'll be back shortly." He moved to walk away, but hesitated. Taking hold of my arms once again, he pulled me to him, planting a firm kiss on my forehead. Resting his against the warmed skin, he took a long breath. "You're not the _only one_ who gets to decide what you deserve." He released me and, without another word or look, he left the room.

I stared after him for a moment, still processing everything that had just happened and trying to bring my heart rate back down to normal. _You idiot, you're grinning like mad!_ Bringing my hand to my forehead, I laughed to myself and sat back down on the couch. I dropped the hand from my head to my lap where I held the datapad.

I looked down at it curiously, "So what are _you_ all about?" Opening it, I saw the title screen and realized what I was seeing.

 _ **Doctor Kayla Martin - Research Notes**_

 _ **Example A - 6 year old Asari, 'pure-blood', showing impressive biotic ability for the age. Verbally abusive to staff and guards, has been physically reprimanded on 14 occasions to date. Solitary confinement was suggested but not enforced. Prime candidate for 're-educational development' on Pragia…**_

I had to re-read the first paragraph a few times to believe it, but it appeared that this woman was performing evaluations on _children_ for experimentation, "What the fuck?" I continued reading, but once I got through about 8 children I had to stop. Her descriptions of the kids, their abilities and their 'usefulness', what had been done to keep them in control, it was all so disgusting. But when she gave her recommendations, that was when I wanted to physically throw up.

One 12 year old human 'example' she wanted to give back to the slavers they'd gotten him or her from, saying, " _It is not in our best interest to waste resources on this example, it is showing no positive response to physical stimuli (shock, violence, starvation) and mental stimuli doesn't appear to get through (vulgarity, threats, demeaning). It is my recommendation to return it to the slavers and attempt to get our funds back_."

I was gritting my teeth as I clutched the datapad with both hands tightly. _Is this what you wanted, Shepard? You wanted me to see I was turning into a monster?_ Unsure where the anger was coming from, I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. _Stop, John would only want me to see that fighting to stay is the right thing to do. He just doesn't want me to give up._

 _But he doesn't know everything, does he?_ In that moment I decided to make sure that he did, resigning to give him _all_ of the information to make an informed decision.

Dropping the datapad back on the table, I stood up and made my way into the elevator, "EDI, where is Shepard at the moment?"

Her robotic voice came over the comms, "Commander Shepard is on the engineering level."

I nodded, "Take me there please."


	24. Chapter 24

_**Sorry for the shorter chapter and the longer wait, been super busy at work and the holiday screwed me all up.**_

 _ **Thank you Miss Amyress, you and your committee keep me straight**_

 _ **Looking forward to those reviews!**_

As I reached the engineering level the elevator door opened, making an odd hissing sound. I'd never noticed it before, but I was hypersensitive to my surroundings at that moment so I thought maybe it was just my nerves. I looked to the right, seeing Zaeed's door open, then to the left. The door at the other end of the hallway was closed, as always.

"EDI, can you point me in the right direction?" I asked the AI.

"Shepard is in the cargo bay, the door at the end of the hall to your left," her response came from the glowing orb in front of me.

I looked at it and smiled, "Thank you."

The light flashed a little brighter for a moment, "You are quite welcome, Ms. Reid."

I put up a hand, holding my smile, "Sam, please. Formalities are for officers."

The light flashed even brighter, "Of course, _Sam_ ," then disappeared.

"Wow, even polite to the machine," a female voice vaguely sneered from behind me. I turned to see a young girl with a shaved head and more tattoos than I'd ever seen on one human being before. They decorated all parts of her body, some even disappearing below her belted pants.

My eyes skimmed over them, then went to her eyes, "Never hurts to be civil. Not a lot of that left in the galaxy from what I hear."

The girl laughed, looking at her nails in an obvious attempt to appear casual, "Why bother? So many people are only out for themselves, no time to be _civil_." She dropped her hand to her side and smirked at me. "But not you."

I smirked back, putting a hand on my hip, "I tend to swim _against_ the current. Old habits and all."

As we stood there looking at each other, I watched as her body language and expression slowly changed. It was slight, but definitely there. She became more relaxed, the tension in her neck and shoulders loosening. Her eyes softened, losing the slight wrinkling at the corners. It almost seemed like she wanted to let me in.

In that moment I realized I _wanted her_ to let me in, to get her to open up to me. _Reminds me a lot of myself when I was young. A lot._

Relaxing my smirk to a soft smile, I reached out the hand that had been perched on my hip, "Name's Sam."

She looked at the hand, hesitated a moment, then took it firmly, "Jack."

Warming my smile, I gave her hand a gentle squeeze before releasing it, "It's good to meet you." I waited to see if she would start a conversation or walk away.

She did neither so I stepped up, "So what's your superpower?" I must have taken her off guard because her eyes widened slightly.

Recovering quickly, she shrugged, "I can do stuff with my biotics."

My smirk returned, "Must be some impressive _stuff_ if Cerberus wants you on board." I leaned against the wall, showing her I was interested enough to stick around. Her stance and expression shifted, as if she was going to bolt but she must have changed her mind, moving to lean on the glass opposite me that overlooked what I assumed was the engine. _Shit, she looks like a scared bird at times. Gotta play this carefully._

She lifted a hand, creating a ball of the blue energy, "Yeah, I'm pretty good with it." Slowly the ball grew to the size of her hand. "And I have a lot of it."

Playing it cool, even though I was unnerved by the blue light floating in the air above her hand, I smiled, "I can see that. I assume that is handy in a fight?" _Can't let her see it makes me nervous,_ I thought. _It will make her self conscious._

Again, she shrugged, "Yeah, especially when I let loose a shockwave." Closing her fist, the energy dispersed. "I could destroy this ship with that one." It was obvious there was no exaggeration on her part, her tone was even and her eyes stayed level with mine.

Conveying understanding with my eyes, I kept my expression calm, lifting the corner of my lips slightly, "I would greatly appreciate this ship staying in one piece, if that's ok with you."

Obviously pleased to have gotten a reaction out of me, no matter how small, she grinned, "Yeah. Me too." She looked down the hall toward the cargo bay, gesturing to it. "Shepard's in there with the baby Krogan."

Holding back as much of the shock and panic as I could at that statement, I looked at the door and deadpanned, "The baby _what_?'

Again she shrugged, "Not like a _tiny_ baby, it's a Krogan that was grown in a tube. Shepard's in there with it now, probably trying to decide whether or not to wake it up." That statement had me streaking down the hall, toward room that was possibly holding a dangerous creature... and John was alone with it.

When I reached the door it opened, revealing John who was staring at something to my right, across the room from him. Carefully, I entered and saw the giant tube with the very large Krogan still inside. As I breathed a huge sigh of relief I heard a low rumble of laughter from him.

I shot him an annoyed sneer, "Don't."

His smile intact, he rested his hands on his hips, "Really Sam, do you have so little faith-"

I shot across to room, anger taking hold of me as I grabbed his arms, giving him a shake, "I said don't, I can't _believe_ you would consider waking this thing up without backup. You know absolutely _nothing_ about it. What if it decides to tear a hole in the side of the ship? Or maybe it decides it wants to have you for dinner? _As an entree!_ " My grip was so tight on him that I could feel my nails sinking into flesh. _Jesus, woman, reel it in!_

I took a breath as I dropped my hands to my sides, closing my eyes in an attempt to focus. "John, I'm not questioning your decision, just the fact that you felt the need to do this _alone._ " Looking into his eyes, I tried to convince him that I wasn't questioning his authority, only that I was concerned for his safety.

His hands found my arms, his thumbs rubbing gentle circles on my biceps as he smiled down at me, "Ok."

Confused, I blinked a few times before responding, "OK?"

He nodded slowly, "Ok. You're here now so what are your thoughts?"

My mouth partially open, I looked at the tube then back at John. _What the hell just happened? Is he really listening to me? Even after I just freaked out? Christ, I probably drew blood._ I closed my eyes again, trying to focus, but only managing to feel more embarrassed as the moments went on. _For fuck's sake, I'm an ass._

I clamped my mouth shut and took a breath before releasing a sigh, "I'm sorry for reacting the way I did. I should never have raised my voice and I _definitely_ shouldn't have made you _bleed_." Taking his arm in my hands, I turned it to examine the area I thought I'd broken the skin. Sure enough, there were four puncture marks in his shirt. "God, I am such an _ass_ sometimes."

Removing his arm from my grasp, he turned to face me, taking hold of my arms, "Relax, I will live." Releasing an arm to push some hair away from my face, he smiled. "Does the Krogan really bother you that much or is it something else?"

My pulse was racing and it wasn't from my embarrassment anymore, his hands were on me and his face was inches from mine. I could feel his breath on my face as he spoke and it was pushing me over the edge. _No, I have to get away from him. Now!_

I slowly turned from his grasp and toward the large tube, "There are a lot of things bothering me, as you are aware," I stated plainly, focusing my energy on slowing my breathing and heart, "but right now I'm concerned about this guy." Facing the Krogan, I scanned his face looking for any sign of life but found nothing. "Are you sure it's alive?"

John stood next to me, looking at the apparatus, " _He_ is very much alive, and intelligent." Tapping a few buttons some readings came across the screen beneath the glass. "His creator had information digitally transferred into his subconscious so he has the entire history of the Krogan civilization in his head."

I looked over at John, apprehension clear in my eyes, "Among other things, I'm sure. Like how to kill people quickly and easily."

Picking up on the hint that I was totally against waking 'him' up, John shook his head as he smiled at me, "Sam, come on. Give him a chance, he may surprise you."

I sputtered in shock, "Are you out of your mind? Why are you so hell-bent on opening this can?" I slapped a hand on it. "Honestly! Please, explain it to me. Make me understand and I will back you up, stand here and watch your back as you open it, but you have to tell me _why_."

John's eyes narrowed as the gears started turning behind them. His lips clamped shut between his teeth, he worried them as he pulled together what to say. _Jesus, I don't even think_ he knows _why he wants to open it._

Just then, his facade went blank as he shifted his stance to face me. His eyes grew intense, as if every fiber of his being were crying out in unison. Whatever he was thinking, he truly believed it, down to the very core of who he was. _Damn, he is so freaking sexy when he looks at me like that._

"Because he is _alive_ ," he replied, his tone soft but firm, "and I don't see how I could decide otherwise."

In that moment it hit me, the 'why' behind the 'why', the root reason for his not disposing of the unknown Krogan to avoid issues. It wasn't about the Krogan, wasn't about how he was created or the usefulness of the extra passenger. It wasn't even about Cerberus. It was about John, the fact that he was alive when he felt he shouldn't be, didn't have the _right_ to be. He wouldn't take that opportunity away from an innocent, no matter the situation. I also realized that regardless of how I felt I would help him and I wanted to slap myself in the head. _God I am in deep with this guy._

Understanding in my eyes, I nodded with a small smile, "Ok. Let's open it." I moved to stand in the back corner, crouching down. "If he tries something I'll come at him from behind, take him down." Noticing his hesitation, I gestured toward the tube and gave him a quick nod as I readied myself. "Come on now, before I change my mind!" Half kidding, I took a long breath and focused on the machine, waiting for it to open.

John reached out for the controls to activate it, "OK, 3, 2, 1…" the final button pushed, the tube started beeping as the liquid filtered out of the main chamber. As the body of the Krogan was released, it fell to its knees, coughing up the excess liquid from its lungs.

Once it recovered, it stood slowly, towering over John as I watched silently. _Ok, you bastard, your move. What are you going to do?_ I waited, holding my breath so as not to give my position away when I saw John slowly approach him. _What the fuck, you jackass!_

Before he could get a word out the Krogan roared, ramming into him and slamming him into the opposite wall. I ran at the creature then sprung onto his back, grabbing his left shoulder with both hands as I drew both feet up to the wall. Yanking the appendage back as I pushed off, I spun my body around to get between the two men and slammed the alien into the ground with a loud crash.

Drawing my pistol, I jammed it into its crotch with a sinister glare, growling, "Move and I'll turn you into a woman."

At first there was only surprise, in its eyes and all over its face, but it was slowly replaced by some kind of excitement. The excitement then became laced with respect and it nodded carefully at me.

John approached, putting a hand on my shoulder, "I think you can let him up now."

Unsure yet of 'his' intentions, I continued to glare at the Krogan beneath me, "Attack him again and your balls will be the least of your worries, understood?" I shoved the gun hard into 'his' flesh, accentuating my point and eliciting a grunt and a nod. Slowly pushing to my feet, I held the gun aimed at the alien's head, waiting for a wrong move.

Its eyes glittered as he watched me, then moved to stand, "You are strong, stronger than you look." Definitely male, his voice was smooth, his annunciations calculating and intelligent. He glanced at John, "Do you serve him?"

I nodded, "Yes. And you will too if you know what's good for you." I held my stance and my glare.

The Krogan seemed to scoff at my words, " _Why?_ "

Not flinching, John took the gun from me and held it level with his face, "Because if you don't you are of no use to us and I will kill you now." As soon as the words were out of his mouth I knew they were futile, the Krogan's stance and expression conveyed no fear, no trepidation. Only calm evaluation of myself and John, and he was not enamored with the one currently holding the gun.

He shifted his feet as he glanced at the Commander again, "He relies on you to protect him, he is weak." Suddenly the Krogan glared at him, as if John was something he'd scraped off his boot. "He should _die_ , not lead."

Bang! Bang! Bang! John let off shot after shot at the huge alien, throwing off his footing as he stumbled backward, holding his hands in front of his face in a vain attempt to protect it from the barrage of energy. As he landed on his ass Shepard stopped shooting, approaching him aggressively and grabbing the collar of his armor. Jerking it forward, he got right in his face.

Glaring at him, dead in the eye, John growled, "Let me make something perfectly clear to you. You will do as you are told, by Samantha _and_ by myself. You will not _question_ what you are told. You will not _disobey_. You will fall in line. Do you agree or not?" He shoved the pistol into the huge alien's face, the barrel expanding one of his nostrils as it entered the cavity, shouting, "Answer me!"

The 'baby' Krogan gathered his wits, then a rumble of laughter erupted from his chest, "You _are_ strong, excellent." Matching John's glare, he sat up straight, pushing the gun away with his nose. "You will give me strong enemies? A chance to find my own reason for the skills in my blood?" Suddenly the 'baby' stood, straight and tall, and looked down at Shepard. "Very well, I will fight for you."

John backed away, but only enough to give the Krogan room to stand, and held his glare, "Try that bullshit again and I'll make sure the next shot I take is a kill shot."

As John handed my pistol back to me he headed straight out the door. _Wow, pissed off John is a little scary._ I looked back over at our guest and saw him staring at me expectantly. _He really is like a baby, he needs direction._ _Hmm..._

Tucking my pistol into the back of my pants, I looked up at the much larger alien, "What's your name?"

He tilted his head at me, pondering the question, "I… I do not know."

I narrowed my eyes at him, disbelieving, "You were never given a name?" I was shocked, as valuable as he was supposed to be you would think something as personal as a name would be at least thought of.

His eyes narrowed, matching mine, "I am trained, I know things, but the tank… Okeer couldn't implant connection. His words were hollow." " He seemed to lose himself in a thought, but recovered quickly, "Warlord, legacy, grunt… grunt. 'Grunt' was among the last, it has no meaning. It will do."

He appeared content with the choice so I nodded, noticing he also had become more relaxed. _Hopefully he settles in while I'm gone._ Looking him over, I took note of his body mass, structure and armor. It was advanced, more so than I'd seen on any other Krogan, and according to EDI he was 'an exceptional example of the Krogan species'. _He definitely looks like it, but he's still a baby!_

"Ha, a baby," I smirked as I looked back at his eyes. He tilted his head in confusion, which just made me giggle. "Think about it, you were technically born today. You're a baby." I gave him a wink, changing my smirk to a warm smile.

He did not take that well, a deep frown taking over his face, "I am not a baby."

Bursting into laughter, I slapped a hand over my mouth to try and stop it, but gave up, "Oh come on, you can be 'Baby Grunt'!"

His glower deepened, "I am not a _baby_."

Walking up to him, I put my hands on his cheeks and kissed his nose, "Yes you are, you are _my_ Baby Grunt." Giving him a playful pinch, I turned to head out the door.

I heard him growl from behind me, "I am _not._ " Not once did he yell, nor did he exhibit anger toward me. He just grumbled like a child who didn't want to eat their vegetables, making me giggle even harder.

Stopping at the door as it opened, I turned around to face him, "Don't worry, only to me will you be 'Baby Grunt'." A wink and a wave later, I spun out the cargo bay door.


	25. Chapter 25

_First, I am very sorry for the hiatus but unfortunately it couldn't be helped. Cancer has reared its ugly head in my family once again and things are progressing in the direction one would expect._

 _I cannot guarantee I will be updating as before but I can guarantee that this story will continue through to the end. Its sequel haunts me as well so expect that. :)_

 _Thank you all for sticking it out and please review!_

I debated following John to see if he was alright, even going so far as to take the elevator up to his quarters, but the look on his face when he left Grunt and I was enough to make me think twice. Anger, rage even, and it was deeply seeded. _Not sure that's something I can help with. Maybe just let him cool down, talk to him later._

Taking the elevator back down, I stopped on my floor and flopped down into a chair at the table in the mess. No one was around, not even Rupert, so I stood back up and rifled through a cabinet, finding some small bags of snacks and bottled water. Grabbing one of each, I returned to my spot at the table and ripped open the package.

"Well, at least your appetite isn't affected," Garrus teased from the long hallway that lead to his work station. As he made his way toward me the door behind him hissed shut. "But it does take a lot of energy to be a pain in the ass, so…"

I flipped him off with a wink, "Takes one to know one, Vakarian." He sat in the chair next to me so I offered him the bag to which he waved away. I shook my head, "Food snob."

I saw him give me a playful sneer in my peripheral, "Takes one, right?"

Grinning as I reached for my water, I'd given him a nod when the reality of what was about to happen struck me dead in the face.

I started thinking about what was going to happen and what _could_ happen. Leaving the ship and for an unknown amount of time would leave a lot to chance. I wouldn't be there to help John, to watch his back, to give input and protect him the Cerberus lackeys or _more importantly_ from himself... _Shit._

My heart clenched, "You're sticking it out, right? Staying with John for the duration?" Trying desperately to hide my panic, I shoved more 'chips' into my mouth and took a long swig of water to wash them down.

Garrus watched, a knowing look in his eye, "Yes, Sam, I will be here." His tone was patient, reassuring.

Realizing I'd been made, I put everything back down on the table and sighed, "I'm worried."

His talon found my shoulder, giving it a squeeze, "I know." His quiet calm kept my anxiety in check, thankfully. I knew I could trust him, not just to keep an eye on John but to be there for him, guard his six at all costs. _Just like I would_.

Turning my head to face him, I gave him a heartfelt smile, "I know you'll watch over him." Feeling a bit sheepish about the next request I was about to make, I looked away a little and took a breath, "Would you mind keeping me posted? I don't mean for you to spy on him for me but just let me know what's going on? I know he won't, he'll worry about stressing me out but _not_ knowing will be worse for me." I knew I was asking a lot but I hoped if anyone understood it would be Garrus. Looking back at the Turian, I batted my eyelashes. "Please Garrus? _PLEASE?_ "

After a few moments of hesitation his hands slowly raised up in surrender as he smirked, "Alright, alright, I give up." He then dropped them to the arm rests of the chair, pushing himself up to standing. "I know when I'm beaten, but if I'm found out I _will_ tell Shepard you threatened me within an inch of my life."

More relieved than I could have imagined, I smiled gratefully and nodded, "He'll believe you too. Thanks." I stood and, leaning toward him, I put my hands on either side of his head to pull it toward me, planting a firm kiss on his forehead. When I pulled back I softened my tone and my expression. "Really, thank you so much."

The knowing smile returned, "I think we're even, your help with Sidonis and all."

I dropped my hands to my sides, a warm feeling taking over in my chest as I shook my head, "Nah. That's what friends are for."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Garrus left to finish calibrating something so I headed over to the med bay to talk to Doc about what she'd already shared with the scientists I would be working with. She went over it with me quickly and provided me a copy of all my files just in case.

I headed back to my room to talk to Kasumi about the whole thing but when I walked in I found she wasn't there. _She's probably either in the training room or sneaking around somewhere_. Giggling to myself at the thought of her scaring the shit out of some unsuspecting crew member, I noticed a duffel bag on my bed. _Someone is very thoughtful._ Taking it as a hint, I thought maybe I should pack, be prepared for whenever we arrived. _Wait, should I even get packed now? I don't even know when we will get there._

Remembering I had an infinite database of information right in ear shot, I looked up toward the ceiling with a smile, "EDI, can you tell me when we will arrive at Lesuss?" _If we're even headed there yet._

"We will arrive in approximately two hours, Sam," the voice replied from thin air.

Shocked, I thought maybe I misheard her, "EDI, you said _two hours_?" _No, can't be. I'm not ready to leave yet. Too soon…._

"Yes Sam," the voice confirmed. "When Commander Shepard gave Mr. Moreau the coordinates he told him to 'punch it'. It was confirmed for me that meant to hurry."

Managing to get a grip on my emotions, I nodded, "Understood, thank you EDI."

"You are welcome, Sam."

"Shit," I spat, looking around the room. _Two HOURS? What the fuck?!_ _Ok, have to make sure I have everything._

I threw together a week's worth of clothes and some toiletries, shoving them into the duffel. Giving the room one last look I decided I had everything I needed and sighed. _I have to find John, have to tell him…_

 _Tell him what? Tell him you love him? Tell him you're scared? Tell him when you slip away his face will be your final thought?_ Gritting my teeth, I clenched my fists in frustration. _You can't tell him anything other than 'Take care of yourself and goodbye.'. You cannot be selfish, not now._

Shaking my head to clear the thoughts away, I left the bag on my bed and headed to the training room in hopes of finding Kasumi. _She'll set me straight, someone has to._

When the doors hissed open I heard someone beating the punching bag furiously. Because it was tucked in the corner directly to the left of the elevator, I couldn't see who it was until I stepped off the pad, but I had an idea from the strength behind those punches. _John._

Treading carefully, I made my way toward him, making sure to keep a distance between us that would prevent him from hauling off and decking me if I'd startled him. Something told me I would not survive that.

I watched as he connected with the bag, each blow sending a visible quake through it. The sleeveless shirt he was wearing exposed the muscles in his arms; I watched in awe as they flexed with each motion. _Jesus Christ he is impressive._

An unbidden sigh escaped my lips. Shocked at my lack of control, I reflexively clapped a hand over my mouth, giving away my presence. He rounded on me quickly, staring me down with his fists at the ready. His eyes bored through me and yet… it was as if he didn't see me at all.

The warmth that was always there was replaced with ice, compassion with rage, enough to make my eyes go wide and my heart jump up into my throat. Confusion at what I was feeling made me speechless and unable to move, unable to react or even think. _Shit._

Just as quickly as he'd turned on me, his expression softened. The cold stare became embarrassment and rage became worried as he dropped his hands to his sides. Shaking his head, he let out a long sigh as he moved to the nearby bench, flopping down onto it unceremoniously.

He ran a hand over his close cropped hair, "I'm sorry Sam." His voice was defeated, as if he'd given in to the fact that something bad had happened. Something awful that should have been well within his control, but it happened nonetheless. His long pause told me what was going on inside his head. _Guilt, failure… I know those feelings all too well._

Sitting down next to him, I made sure to be close enough that our legs touched, mostly to assure him I was not afraid of him. Distance would have been the worst thing, it would validate everything running around inside his mind. And honestly I _wanted_ to be close to him. _Shit, I'd STILL sit in his lap if he'd let me._

After a few moments I nudged his thigh with mine, "I can assure you there is nothing for you to be sorry about." I waited, letting that sink in and hoping that his rebuttal would give me an idea as to what the root cause was.

I'd seen outbursts like his before, mostly from new recruits who'd just returned from their first mission. They were haunted. Something or someone had gotten to them and they didn't know how to work through it. The psych people were good with them, but it took time. Young people never had enough focus. _John might though, just need him to spill._

Glancing over at him, I bumped his shoulder with mine, "Want to talk about it? I won't push." Trying to appear patient, I remained silent as I stared at the wall and waited.

Moments passed with nothing from him. Growing bored with the wall, I looked down at his hands. They were gripping the towel he'd used to wipe the sweat from his head and face, his knuckles a stark white. I waited, wanting to take his hands in mine, release the tension and help him to relax but unsure as to how to approach _this_ John. _This_ John seemed unpredictable, filled with rage and who knows what else. _I'll let this one come to me._

I sat there for a few minutes, maintaining contact with his leg but making no further moves. Still watching his hands as they clamped down on the cloth trapped between them, I noticed the white was slowly disappearing from his knuckles. His breathing had slowed, indicating a slower heart rate, which made me relax more. A long sigh escaped him as the material drifted to the ground.

Slowly, I turned my head to look at his face as he leaned down to rest his forearms on his knees. He was still looking straight ahead, but his jaw was no longer clenched. His eyebrows, however, were still furrowed in concern.

"I never wanted you to see that," he blurted out. Eyes still focused on the wall, he continued. "That part of me, I'm usually really good at keeping it hidden. I'm sorry."

I didn't move an inch, just continued to look at his face, "Why?".

It was a simple question, straightforward and to the point. I wanted to know why, so I asked. It must have taken him off guard, because he turned his head toward me with a look of bewilderment.

His mouth opened and closed a few times before something came out, "Because I don't want you to be afraid of me."

A part of me wanted to laugh out loud, but I held her in check, "I am not afraid of you." My tone was even, my face placid. I knew there was something going on I wasn't fully aware of and I had my suspicions, but I wanted to hear it from him. "Why do you think I would be?"

He turned his body fully toward me, resting his knee on the bench to face me, "In case you didn't notice, I have a bit of a temper." _That garners further explanation._

Realizing honesty would be best, I held my facade, "I think we can both safely claim that trait. What of it?"

He narrowed his eyes, "Mine is more intense, less under control. I've…" his eyes went blank as he looked off into a non-existent distance somewhere behind me. Closing them, he shook his head gently. "I've done things."

I knew that feeling, similar to a large rock being dropped in a small pond, "We both have, John. Shit, I wouldn't want someone reminding me of all the times I let my temper get the best of me."

His shoulders slumped slightly as his eyes softened, "Regardless, I never wanted you to see it. I thought I was getting better at controlling it, holding back, but earlier with Grunt, and even before…" He shook his head as if to erase it from his mind but I knew what he was referring to.

"In the med bay, with me," I whispered. His head bobbed in agreement, eyes dropping to the hand he clenched between us. Carefully, I rested my own hand on it, watching as his eyes steadily made their way back up to meet mine. A soft smile spread across my lips, "Tell me what's going on inside that handsome head of yours." A gentle smirk then a wink and I got a tiny grin from him.

His grin turned into a smile as he covered my hand with his free one, "You are amazing, you know that?" I gave him my best sarcastic-surprised face and he huffed out a laugh. Shaking his head, he reached out to cup my face, running a thumb over my cheekbone. "Amazing and beautiful. Why are you wasting your time with a joke like me?" An honest question, but one I couldn't quite grasp.

My eyebrow quirked in disbelief, "Seriously? Have you looked in the mirror lately?" I was rewarded with a playful sneer so I smiled softly, trying to give my next words some meaning. "Because I believe you need a reminder I will list just a few of your finer traits.

"First, you are attractive. Second, you are intelligent. Third, you have a surprising sense of humor. Seriously, no one can take me off guard like you," I ended that thought with a hand on his leg and continued, "Fourth, you reel me back in when I'm strung out and ready to drop strangers off of 5,000 story buildings. Would you like me to continue?" I looked at him expectantly.

A rush of emotions ran across his face in a matter of moments but surprise and concern were the only ones I could pin down. He clenched his teeth as he stared into my eyes, as if deliberating either what to say or what _not_ to say.

He took a slow breath, then sighed, "I forgot for a moment I was talking to the most stubborn woman in the galaxy." He took my right hand and held it, palm up, for him to examine.

His large fingers traced the lines, as if committing them to memory. The feather-light wisps across my skin were more intoxicating than I would have liked to admit, but I held my composure until one came to a stop in the center.

His eyes met mine, "You are important to me, you know that, right?"

My heart jumped into my throat as guilt flooded my veins, "John." I swallowed, closing my eyes tight to gain my composure, "we both know that I may not come back from this…"

He reached out, cupping my chin and placing his thumb over my lips, "You don't know that."

"John, please," I whispered as I grasped his hand with both of mine, removing it from my face and placing it in my lap. "I need to be realistic and I need to know that things will progress well if I don't come back. I can't do that if you are in denial." Squeezing his hand, I pleaded with my eyes, "Please John, please. Just hear me out."

All sorts of feelings ghosted past his eyes until finally determination remained, "Alright," he nodded. "I'm listening."

I took a breath, resigning myself to the most likely outcome and what I wanted to say, "There is a high probability that I will not return from Lessus. In that event I want to be sure that you will be alright, that _everyone_ will be alright." Inhaling deep, I didn't take my eyes off of him as I continued, "I only ask one thing of _you_ , specifically…

"I need you to forget about me."


	26. Chapter 26

_**Hi everyone, I'm still here!**_

 _ **Another update, please feel free to review and enjoy!**_

Silence filled the room, silence and tension. I stared into deep blue eyes as I listened to the pounding of my heart echoing in my ears. A look of desperation slowly filled in the cracks as John's hand gripped mine tighter, but not painfully. My gut clenched, regret doing cartwheels at the corners of my mind, taunting me. _Christ, why did I let it get this far? I'm such an ASS!_

His eyes closed as a sigh escaped his lips, his face smoothing out to calm. A few breaths later they opened, warmth and understanding replacing the anxiety from before. Another sigh and he released my hands, sitting back slightly as he held my gaze.

"I understand," he breathed out, "I do. If our roles were reversed I would be telling you the same thing... and _meaning_ it." He then stood, walking steadily toward the last victim of his ire. Running a hand along the bag, he gave it one last dispassionate jab. "I've _been_ in your shoes, I know how it feels." His mouth clamped shut as he turned toward me but not facing me fully, unable or unwilling to say more.

I stood, smiling shyly, "I've been in _your_ shoes a time or two myself…" I took a step toward him, swinging my arms slowly in a vain attempt to diffuse any tension as I looked around the room. "Not a fun place to be but your reaction was much better than mine ever was." Finally I was within arms' reach so I stopped, slapping my thighs as my hands came to rest at my sides. Looking up at him, I smiled, trying desperately to hide the fact that my heart was breaking. "Thank you for understanding."

He shook his head, "I may understand, but that doesn't mean I accept it." Squaring his shoulders, he faced me head on. Keeping that arm's length distance between us, his expression was one of sheer determination. "I won't lie, I can't promise I'll forget you," visibly swallowing, he took a slow breath before continuing, "but I can promise you that I never will. That includes you wanting everyone to be alright. I will keep an eye on Garrus, Thane and Kasumi, make sure they're ok." That tense silence hung in the room again, if only for a moment, before he nodded toward me. "Will that be enough?"

Once again I found my heart lodged in my throat, making breathing and speaking nearly impossible. The man had taken my words and turned them on me, telling me no _and_ yes in the same breath. There was nothing I could have said that would have come close to matching his tact and sincerity. _Keep it simple._

I smiled and nodded back, "Yes, thank you John."

"There you are!" an abrupt and obviously perturbed Kasumi exclaimed from behind me. I spun around to see her rush at me from the elevator, wrapping her arms around me ferociously. "Did you think you were gonna get away without saying good-bye?"

I laughed, squeezing her back, "I came _down here_ looking for _you_ miss!" Pulling back to see her face, I noticed the red rims around her eyes and softened. "I will miss you something terrible, you know that right?"

Releasing me quickly, she wiped clumsily at her eyes and smiled, "Of course you will, who wouldn't?" Standing there for a moment, obviously unsure what to do or say next, she pinched my cheek. "You're gonna be ok. And when you get back you will be so out of shape I will whoop you from here to Omega!" Suddenly she slapped my arm and went running back to the elevator.

I gave chase, "Why you little!" I laughed, screeching to a halt inside and grabbing her, hugging her to me. "Where do you think you're going?" My fingers found her sides, tickling her like mad. Her squeals must have echoed throughout the work-out room, I could picture John's smile in my head and it made my heart clench as the doors slid shut and we shot up to the crew's mess.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

A few members of the crew, including Kelly, were waiting as we got off the elevator, smiling and wishing me well on my 'treatment'. Kasumi slinked away as I shook hands and hugged everyone, smiling back even though fear was slowly engulfing me.

The 'Ship's Counselor' as I was known to call her gave me a fierce hug, wordlessly smiling through watery eyes until she quickly walked away. I swallowed down the knot that formed in my throat at that and turned to the next person with a forced smile.

As the last of them went back to their stations, I noticed Thane waiting patiently by the med bay doors, leaning casually against their frame with his hands crossed in front of him.

I smiled warmly, "Hi."

Pushing off the wall, he drew up to standing and gave me a nod, "Hello."

Just that one word shifted the feeling in the room completely. Calm washed over me like a rolling wave on the deepest ocean. His presence had a way of making me feel so at ease that all the tension around me would just fade away, leaving behind a warm feeling of serenity. _A good tactic for an assassin, I wonder if he realizes?_

I took a step toward him, "I'm not sure how long I will be gone, but…" Even as the words formed in my mind they disappeared when he stepped toward me, taking me in his arms as gently as one would a small child. A hand on the back of my head guided it to rest on his shoulder, my cheek brushing against the frills on his neck in the process. Unbidden, my arms wrapped around his torso, tears welling in my eyes.

A few moments later, I felt a rumbling in his chest as he spoke, "Siha, you will come back or you will not. Either way, know that you are my friend and I will pray to Arashu for your safe return every day." He loosened his hold, leaning back slightly. I turned my head to look up at his face.

His same placid expression remained, "Should the worst come to pass, I will pray to Kalahira to guide you safely to the sea and someday... I will meet you there." Leaning down, he planted a light kiss on my forehead as he released me. He took one step back, blinked, nodded, then turned to walk back to his quarters.

My tears flowed freely after that, my balance wavering as I reached for a chair to steady myself. His words and his demeanor had shaken loose the emotions I had been so successful in keeping at bay. Fear, sadness, love, anger, everything rushed at me in that small window of time.

Alone in the room, I allowed the moment of weakness and grabbed a napkin from the table, occasionally wiping the tears from my face. When they slowed and I finally felt relieved, I went to the restroom, washing my face, blowing my nose and regaining my composure. Running my fingers through my hair, I gave my face one last wipe and took a deep breath, walking out the door and to my room to retrieve my bag.

 _Ok, time to focus. We should be almost there…_

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I stared at the elevator, waiting for the doors to open. Afraid of what thoughts may come unbidden, I kept my mind clear and focused on the small crack in between the large slabs of metal. When they finally opened it startled me, making me jump.

A smiling John was inside, "Hey, you ok?"

A hand on my shoulder alerted me to Samara's presence at my side, "Are you alright, Samantha?"

I took a breath, quickly pulling myself together, "Yes, yes I'm fine. Just trying to prepare myself." I stepped onto the elevator, followed by Samara, and the doors swished shut.

My mind was racing, in the few moments it took for us to arrive at the shuttle bay I had wavered back and forth on how to say good-bye to John. I finally decided a handshake was sufficient as the doors opened.

We all stepped into the shuttle bay and I tugged at John's shirt sleeve, "Can I have a minute?" Samara hesitated but then continued on to the shuttle that Joker was in the process of prepping for launch. John gave me a confused nod as he turned to face me.

My stomach was in knots and the speech I had prepared flew out the window, "I, uh…" My mouth clamped shut, unable to form the words ' _I want you to stay here._ '. _I need to be nicer about it, appeal to him._ "I was hoping you would stay here while Samara and I head to the planet." John's expression went from confused to annoyed, telling me he was not thrilled with the idea. _Smooth, ass._

His eyebrow quirked at me, "I wanted to make sure you were settled in before we leave." His eyes showed a hint of hurt. "You don't want me to go?"

Swallowing my heart back down, I took a breath, "I'm going to mess this up so please be patient with me for a moment." Looking down at my feet, I tried to gather my thoughts, figure out a way to explain that he could relate to, a way for him to understand and hopefully accept.

As sentences formed in my head, I looked back up at him with a look of determination, "What I'm about to do is insane, and from what I understand, has never been attempted before.

"I'm not going to this place to fight an illness, I'm going to fight _myself_. Everything that happens will be inside my own head and I need to maintain a disciplined focus that I am relatively sure I have never reached before, even in my training.

"I'm not sure I can do it, but I _know_ that I cannot be distracted." I poked him playfully in the chest and smirked, " _You_ , sir, are a _distraction._ " Unwilling to let him interject, I smoothed out my expression and shook my head. "I need to be in a place where I have not spent time with you, where I won't see you sitting in a chair or standing in a doorway."

Pleading, I continued, "Please understand, it's not that I don't want you to go. It's that I don't want you to _be there_." Releasing a sigh, I continued, "Does that make any sense?"

His hand reached for me but hesitated, then dropped back to his side. He was trying to keep his expression flat but I could tell there was a lot going on underneath, just couldn't tell _what._ I focused on my breathing, slow and steady, and waited for his response.

John gave me a slow nod, keeping his face blank, "I understand." His voice was low, soft, as if relenting but holding something else back.

I nodded, "Thank you." Taking his hand, I gave it a small squeeze then moved past him toward the ship, not letting go right away. As I stepped further away, my arm extended out. I was about to let go when I felt his grip tighten. Turning around to face him in confusion, his eyes darkened as he stepped toward me.

Everything that happened next was a blur. The hand that held mine let go, grasping my hip. The other cupped my cheek, pulling me closer until his lips had captured mine. He held me there for I don't know how long, our breath mingling, mouths and bodies pressed together until my blood felt like it was on fire.

When I felt his grip loosen, I quickly grabbed him by the upper arms and pulled him back to me, turning my head ever so slightly to deepen the kiss. My heart pounded in my chest as his arms wrapped around me tightly, one hand on the small of my back and the other slowly making its way up my spine and into my hair, cradling my head. We devoured each other, each stroke of his tongue pushing me closer and closer to the edge of insanity.

Movements slowed until reluctantly we pulled apart. Catching my breath, I slowly opened my eyes, looking up into his. Smiles crept across our faces as our pulses slowed.

Finally able to speak, I sighed, "I will miss you, John Shepard."

His smile widened as he pushed a stray lock of hair behind my ear, "And I will miss _you_ , Samantha Reid."


End file.
